Archive for satsang

11:11:11.. Again?!

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past week has certainly been interesting. I woke up on the 29th november, another 11:11:11 portal, feeling like complete crap. I had slept very uneasily, and my stomach was in severe pain. So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet… Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening, and night, kneeling over the toilet. Such a lovely night, emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals. At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling. Eventually around 4am I hadn’t had to “go” for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed. I brought a bucket to be sure, and water. Ah, precious water. I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain, like it was growing out of itself. Really weird feeling. My mouth would go dry every 5-10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water, turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5-10 minutes and repeat the process. After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so.. I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop, refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed. The day went by pretty quickly. I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before. I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt, and I’ve put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before. The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am. At last I slept through the entire night, and I didn’t wake up until half past 1 the day after.

I felt so rested, I woke up with a smile, my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me. After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were, and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes. It was satsang day, and I felt ready for whatever that would come. I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn’t let her go still. I decided to bring it up with Ingerid because I wanted to set her free. Set myself free. Ingerid responded that feeling love is a very good thing, it is only my mind that tells me that I shouldn’t feel love because it’s over and whatnot. It was very clear that she was right, and a sensation of gratitude arose in me. I was grateful for being able to feel love for someone else, and it felt ok. I felt this stinging pain in the back of my head and neck, and I asked her what it meant. She told me that it was “hard-necked” belief systems being released. Loving someone despite not being in a relationship with them, being able to give love to someone without having them return the favor. We then talked about the release that had been going on the past days and that it was a lower chakra cleaning, and Ingerid invited me to dive deep into them to go into what was there, so we talked about how I felt about my father. I was terrified to wrong him, because he had absolute total control over me. He could end my existence, and I fully believed that. Ingerid said that there was my vengeful god image, my father as I had placed as the rule of a vindictive god. I had been joyous and spontanous as a child, and it had often been met with 50/50 reactions of either laughter or anger. He would roar to get his will across, and everytime I felt so afraid I couldn’t move. Ingerid said that this is what happens when freedom and joy comes into the life of tyrants, it scares them. Then a sense of distance came up. I felt that I had to distance myself because I didn’t know if I was going to get a reaction of approval or anger from him. All my life I had taken a backseat to myself, and because I was so utterly terrified of my father, I did everything to please him. I even acted like him, because that’s how I finally got approval. All this from feelings that was now being released. Ingerid asked me where my mother was in all this, and I couldn’t see her. She just wasn’t there. I felt this white-hot glowing anger at my mother. I was angry with her for not standing up for me, for not being there when I was violated. That’s why I’ve never trusted women, and that’s why I’ve drawn all these unreliable women to me throughout my life. All the itching pain and emotions that were coming up felt like a flood, and yet I felt so calm and grateful at the same time.

After a while John came in with toast, and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating. After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness, a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies. She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies. Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared, sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours. I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in, and she said that Mary Magdalene was there. It wasn’t the first time, in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang. First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so, then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in, which wasn’t the case.. At least not in the same sense as before. Mary then said that I didn’t need that help anymore, because I was so good at releasing by myself, which felt very humbling. She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect. She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose. Nothing is “wasted.” So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart.

During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling. This warm, loving embrace that didn’t care what the circumstances were. Everything was okay, everything was okay.. This maternal, unconditional love. It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here.

So much information was passed through by Mary that I can’t put it all here, but we all had a very exciting evening, and at the end of it we watched “The Game” with Michael Douglas. Extremely good movie, and so full of symbols. It really is beautiful. As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang. I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up. He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ, or one Christ to this earth, and so she is the symbol of purity. The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am “worthy.” Not that I’ve ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed, but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM, in fact, worthy. This is very profound, was John’s words. I felt the same.

After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away. I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep. I woke up the day after as it was getting dark. I looked at the time and it was 4pm, so I decided to head to town to get some food. I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad, so I mixed some salad from the salad-bufet at the grocery store and headed home. The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead, and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air. I came home, watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking. She’s conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control, and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me. Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us, so what is playing out is merely the “darkness” being pushed up by the light. It is already healed. The answer provokes the question, as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before, it was all so clear to me now. That’s why acceptance is so important. A wave of calm came over me, and I felt completely content with the present moment. Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so, and I can accept it all in peace now.

A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor. I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring, or half a crown. It has a crown on one side, and immediately it struck me as incredibly important. I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown. The rule of control is over. John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man, 5 being man and 10 being Source. I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself, but in a totally different way. It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is, also abundance on all levels. I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels, because I AM abundance, and now it will show in all my manifestations.

I feel so in touch with my emotions.. With my presence. I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life! I just love being right here, and right now. I realize my life is one of service, and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy.

Achieving Enlightenment?

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , on November 24, 2009 by freedomofnow

And so monday the 23rd November 2009 came. Me and Ingerid and John had agreed on this day for our satsang so that we could combine it with listening in to Mooji over the internet.

Let me back up a bit first though. That night I had a dream where I was in the crossfire of guns, moving up to a really tall tower where people sat at computers and modified your existence. They provided me with all the money I could ever want, took a look at me and said “You need more mana.” They pressed a button and the blue mana bar went to the top. I told Ingerid and John about this and they interpreted it as me still trying to “fix” things, making an effort to acquire wisdom. Keeping things simple was the theme of the day. John had also received an email from the father of a mongoloid friend he spent a lot of time with when he was in his stage of releasing all that he had built up. He had an older friend that had just died, and his father wanted to know how he was going to tell his son that his best friend had died. The reply that John sent moved me to tears. He said that he was simply there to show this old man the unconditional love that he is, and that his purpose done, this task was over. I had tears in my eyes when I came to the end. We talked about so-called retarded people and how they are really sitting behind their own shoulders watching the world through eyes of unconditional love that few people see. They are living examples of how profoundly beautiful simplicity is.

I finally received my paycheck around 4 o’clock that day so we went down to the store to buy some food for the evening, and a 777 stared at me. I asked John what it meant, and he said it definitely was a validation of the dream. 777 is a 3, the holy trinity. At the store we saw not one, but a total of 3 retarded men.. I was definitely being told to keep it simple. We bought some food, candy and then went home. We had a delicious salad and some ravioli while we waited for Mooji to come online at 6pm, and eventually he did. I had the same feeling in my stomach as the last time I was going to talk to him. The provider seemed to have some problems and the first 20 minutes were very broken up, but eventually people got through to ask questions, and we decided to call in. We got through after very little time, but something was wrong so we had to call again. While we tried to set up another laptop for the conversation, the entire audio feed just went dead. We joked about saying between the 3 of us and Mooji we brought too much light for the channel to handle. Either way, no Mooji on that day. We sat and talked and Ingerid decided she needed some more housework done so we turned the satsang into a regular visit and I helped her with whatever she needed.

I felt increasingly curious about why I had shown myself the number 3 so many times that day, and John said that I am devoted to my ascension. It is the main focus in my life right now. However, the focus of wanting ascension is the very thing that pushes it away, because it very much involves effort. Therefore, the words that Ingerid told me when I first started talking to her “I AM, I AM THAT I AM, I KNOW” is what closes the gap of separation and lets you sink into the depths of your Self. I AM THAT I AM actually showerd itself to me earlier that evening through a part of the documentary called the Moses Code. I realized that I was indeed striving for ascension, and said “Ok, so I have to give up the search for ascension?” They both nodded, and Ingerid said “You are already enlightened.” I said ok, and let go of the striving. It seems letting go of things gets easier the more you do it, because I have seen the Absolute Truth, and it is an experience nothing in this world can be compared to. As Mooji says in one of his videos: “You are trading eternity for a peanut.” Everything the mind can hold on to is the peanut. Some minutes later an overwhelming sense of panic struck me. It felt like I was disappearing, my legs were shaky, and an increasing stream of thoughts passed by me. I was calm at the same time as the panic was going on, but that didn’t make it feel less of what it was. I was just aware of it in a different way. The panic kept on throughout the evening. We watched a movie and suddenly it was 2am and time to go home.

That night I am sure I cried 1 hour of “real” time during the night. I had several dreams, but one seemed more significant than the others. I was being chased down by 2 of my childhood friends, they kept jumping on me and hurting me and I couldn’t do anything about it. Suddenly we had magic cards in our hands, and they still kept hurting me. I tried to hurt them back and finally I managed to hurt them enough that they would leave me alone. When they did I started crying. I cried and cried and cried. It was like a bottomless well of tears. After what seemed like several hours I stopped crying. I looked at the magic card I had and it turned out to be incredibly powerful. Suddenly we all became our cards. I became this spider-monkey thing. I tried to tell them about the card, and when I did my voice sounded very weird. Frail somehow. I said “It has 8.. no 6 legs, and 6 arms.” The spider-monkey thing started fighting this vampire demon that was one of my friends, and it was a lot more powerful.

After this I woke up, that same sense of crying and panic still in me. I got up, fed the cats, had some water and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up I felt completely rested. The bed was warm and fuzzy, inviting me to stay there for the entire day. I lie in bed for about an hour, just breathing, before I realized that I had some stuff to do in town. I got my mail, and it was a letter from my old bank. They let me know that I was finished paying down the loan I had taken 2 years earlier. I broke into a huge smile as the symbolism dawned on me. Leaving old energies behind. It certainly felt that way. I felt this immense calm, and within that calm rested the feeling of panic still. Calm and panicky at the same time, who knew?

After that I went to get a wireless networking card for Ingerid’s computer, and the guy gave me a 30% discount. Then I went to buy catfood, and they gave me a 10% discount. After that I decided to buy breakfast, and even there I got 10% discount. Some old beliefs about money have definitely been released in the past few days. I felt incredibly light, like I was just flowing through my surroundings as they appeared in my reality. Something has definitely shifted, and I am ready. Ready to let go of everything. Ready to be completely empty.

A world of Symbols.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2009 by freedomofnow

Soooo! Here it is again. So much has happened, yet as usual the outwardly action is limited, although it feels like it is picking up somehow. It “started” on the 11th november, which is a 11:11:11 portal, when the book “Before I AM” by Mooji arrived. It is such a beautiful read, I pageflip every night before going to bed. It’s definitely not coincidental that that book arrived on that very day. Then last sunday, Mooji was holding an online satsang that I “happened” to be online at the right time to attend. Right before it started Ingerid was visiting to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for her, and as per usual when I am in the same space as her I was in a very good mood.

Then it began. As soon as I saw Mooji with his red shirt on it struck me that I had seen this meeting some days ago, only I interpreted it as a visit to London. When it dawned on me all kinds of emotions started to flood through me. Anxiety, a nervousness, fear, it all came up. It felt like this was it. This was the time for my mind-made “I” to die, and I knew I had to face it. An hour went and I had made a few calls although none had gone through, and I decided that this was it. I called repeatedly until finally I saw the video initializing screen come up. Mooji was still in another call, and how lucky that was because I could not have said anything if I had tried. After a few minutes I heard the host of nevernothere announcing me and I just had to jump into it. I made this into a video and uploaded it to youtube, so without further adue, I give you my first conversation with Mooji.

Monday came and I was feeling a bit restless, like something was off but I had no idea why. I had slept my usual 12 hours and I felt a bit out of sync that day. I knew I wanted to clean the appartment, but I just had no energy whatsoever to do anything. The evening came and eventually sleep settled in. I woke up on tuesday feeling very rested. I was supposed to have been at Ingerids for satsang, but she had sent me a message saying she wasn’t feeling good so it was cancelled. My cell phone is currently not receiving text messages except for immediately when I turn it on, and I had a feeling that it wasn’t a day for satsang, so I checked right away when I woke up to the clock at around noon. It’s wonderful being in a position where I have to set the clock if I want to get up before noon. :p

I had one sensation when I got up: I had to get this appartment cleaned right away! I put my laptop in the kitchen and started playing my youtube playlist of music. It holds just about all kinds of music that I have found resonance in depending on mood. This time it started off with a beautiful tibetan monk chant to set the mood, then it gave me Jason Mraz – All dialed in, a song that always makes me cry, and to top it all off, Portishead – Roads.. So while I was crying my eyes out and cleaning the appartment, I gradually felt more and more energized. Once I was done with cleaning and the long, warm shower, I felt great. I was feeling happy the entire day.

That night I dreamt about Ingerid. We were talking about the connection we had, that’s all I remember. That morning Ingerid woke me up at 1pm and asked me if I wanted to come help her carry some stuff at her house that neither she or John could carry while she cleaned the appartment. I felt a tremendous joy and accepted right away. Ingerid came and picked me up a bit later. On the way over we were talking about Mooji and how it would be such an experience to go to London on one of his Satsangs, and it just burst out of me: I’ll buy all of us a tour to London to see Mooji! As I said it I felt such a spontaneous joy. Ingerid was so grateful she got so flustered with emotion that she almost drove off the road. Once we got to their place we sat down and had a cup of tea while we were talking about – and listening to – my conversation with Mooji. First Ingerid said that the fact that out of all the people listening that I was one of the people who got through to speak to him was a very good pointer to where I am right now, and when Mooji said that I was “in the taste of that” with his loving smile, Ingerid smiled and said that’s the feeling she gets around me aswell. John elaborated on this and said that this was all on my own, not in the company of anyone else, and a major turning point for me. It actually felt like it aswell, although there was no sense of pride, there was only joy and love for myself. Then we proceeded to talk about Love Lines, and John felt inspired to include me in the creation. Because Love Lines is completely guided by spirit, the kind of publisher we want is one that comes from a place of joy, and who is able to let our company work through his equipment. I’ve always been able to “see” what Ingerid suggests in its whole, and when they told me about their World Galleries, I immediately got a feeling of the building and some images. John had already drawn his vision, and when he showed me it was almost as a deja vu for me. It was perfect, complete. Very exciting times indeed.

The day continued. Carpets needed cleaning so I spent hours outside hammering carpets, carrying various things, rearranging a room, only to arrange it back, and then rearrange it back to its original state again. I was clearly “chopping wood and carrying water.” We took some breaks to talk and have a bite of food during the day. During one break we were talking about spirit, which we always do I guess.. And I heard exactly what I was supposed to hear, as I always do.. Ingerid said, “Every answer is a death.” which hit home for me very profoundly. The past days I had been feeling like all the answers my mind give me, are so limiting that I don’t believe them. Even its questions, because they always lead to conclusions beyond the now. Beyond what is at the moment. The day came to an end and they drove me home late that night. I had a bite to eat, a shower and saw “The Kings of Comedy” on Tv before going to bed. That night I slept like a baby. This night I dreamt about both Ingerid and John. We were talking about the connection between us, and it turned out that me and Ingerid had been having the same dreams lately. The next dream I had was so vivid. I saw aliens coming to the planet, and a planet coming very close to ours. Aliens landing and a huge fight between the aliens and us. I was strolling peacefully through it all though.

I woke up the day after feeling totally rested, and in complete joy. 10 minutes after waking up, Ingerid called and asked when they could pick me up, to which I replied right away, though John had to take Maren and her son home first. I went out to the road and waited for them and John stopped to pick me up. I was so happy to see them all, and me and Nathaniel were dancing to the music in the car all the way to Marens’ place. On the way home I explained my dream to John and he said that it was a realigning with my Self. He then proceeded to talk about the symbolism of dreams, that I knew of and that being the reason why I sought his expertise, but this time he also mentioned that the waking state is also a dream, and that everything is symbolic. He had shown me some symbolism in my presence earlier, but when we talked about it this time it felt more significant. He told me it’s all about what catches your attention, and listening to what your intuition tells you. I said that I could definitely use some help interpreting all this in the future, and he said that I should first open myself up to the fact that they are there and seek within myself first.

The day passed and we got the rest of the cleaning done, which was such a relief. Ingerid explained that we clean our appartment when we have taken a step “forward” in vibration.. When the current state around us is of the vibration that we used to hold, it is easy to feel dragged down by your surroundings, which is exactly how I felt. The love we hold for ourselves is reflected around us. Puts cleaning in a whole new light. In the evening Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their child came by and we watched a movie, then they drove me home.

I was conscious just in the moment that the veil of sleep was pulled down, and with the last breath I felt the embrace of the formless. It really is indescribable. I used to have these sensations all the time, but before they would send vibrations of fear throughout my body, and I would shiver in horror. Now it is like the shell of my body is gently melted away to reveal the loving nothingness of my soul flowing out into infinity. I woke up on friday having slept like a baby yet again. It was around 2pm or so. I decided to go and make breakfast right away because I was very hungry. When I was done I reached for a small plate to put them on, and it slipped in my fingers and went for the floor. It hit the floor looking like it would break into 1000 pieces, but what was left was 2 just about identical pieces of porcelain. One had 2 red flowers on it and 2 yellow, the other had one red flower on it and one yellow.

It iimmediately struck me that this was significant for me, so as I grabbed another plate and went into my room I asked for the meaning of this to be shown to me. As I got into the room John immediately logged on, and I asked him what this could mean. He said that I was breaking my fast. Not the normal kind around easter when people don’t eat for 14 days. This was a spiritual fast. I was not “eating of” the manna bread, spiritual truth. The flowers are a confirmation 22:11, a power number. I googled the manna bread and got “11th Heaven Homemaking.” John filled in that that was just a symbol of life, and that I was beginning to nurture myself, loving myself. Metaphors are simple, but we often analyze their meaning away. It is the inner guidance that shows you the truth.

This felt very right for me, and I thanked John for his help and decided to go to town to pick up some money that a friend of mine owed me. She’s quite angry, and she’s owed me this money for quite some time now and I sent her a quite harsh sms the other day to which her anger flared up. So I came to town and met her where she worked and she handed me an envelope with the money and turned her back to me doing some work while we were talking. I thanked her for the money and left to get some food. I grabbed a trolley and got inside the store, and while I was enjoying the sweet taste of a chilled coke, I turned around and suddenly there was Ingerid’s other daughter and her newborn daughter. The daughter is adorable beyond words and her mother is a very loving mother, it was a very pleasant meeting. We talked and walked around the store for some time while we shopped and then we headed for the exit. I was so happy to see them and we both smiled as we parted. I took my shopping bags and headed home, but I felt the need to take a detour down to the walkway by the river. As I was riding my bike along the side of the river, feeling the fresh air and listening to the sound of gushing water around me, I suddenly saw a light shine in the middle of the dark waters. It was still for a few seconds, shining at me, before I realized that it was a very tall light from a far that was reflected. I got home, and hailed John to speak about what had just happened. I told him that some more symbols had appeared, but instead of asking him what they meant I listened to my intuition to see the meaning.

It all felt like it was me turning my back towards my anger and my past, and being greeted by my newborn love for myself, shining my light in the middle of the darkness. John confirmed all of it, and added: the light shines in the darkness and the darkness comprehends it not, which is a biblical quote. I should feel excited, happy, elated that I was getting things right, but it felt so natural.. like part of the flow. There was just acceptance in me, and a sense of being guided completely.

Later that day John was coming to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for them, but as he was driving here Ingerid called and asked me to come help her with one last thing, which I accepted gladly. I was sitting and writing this post as I heard a very unique cat sound that John makes when he tries to communicate with cats, so I thought he was outside saying hello to my cats and decided to go meet him. As I got outside it was raining, and I found shelter between the house where I live and the garage of my landlord. I stood there and suddenly I hear Ramses, one of my cats, squeak and I see him rush towards me. He is so cozy, brushing up against my leg and practically jumping up on me to cuddle. He’s a very loving cat but usually not this extreme. Suddenly he went out in the rain, caught something in his mouth and ran and dropped it at my feet. I bent down to look, and it was the tip of a flower. Such a beautiful love declaration from my Self, to my Self.

John came and I told him what had just happened and how I felt about it, and he confirmed that aswell. Then he told me that symbols are everywhere, because life always throws an abundancy of seeds to make sure of its own survival, so if you’re completely open to this you will be bombarded. We kept talking and I suddenly realized that symbols are a kind of first-row in the flow of life. If you don’t see the symbols then they start to become silent whispers, taps on the shoulders, frying pan in the faces and eventually something terminal. John said that there was another even closer way, which is direct communication with your Self. This is where you receive insights directly through your being. I remember having these experiences too when I first tasted the formless. For 3 days I was “channeling” Source, and all I had to do was wonder about something and the answer came through my being. It is very profound because it sort of opens you up to the knowing of it, instead of seeing it through the head.

We got to their place and realized that we had no dinner, so me and John drove back to town to get some stuff from me and the store. When we came to my place the first thing that hit us was the thick smell of smoke from my neighbour. John asked me who was smoking, and I said that it was my neighbour. I noticed her sitting in the kitchen and her door fully open, the entire appartment reeking of smoke. I said hello to her, and she replied that it was a very awful thing for us to say, commenting on her smoking. I had asked her to keep her door closed before because I have smoked for 12 years and I don’t want to surround myself with it anymore, since smoking really is an inner desire to leave this world. When I confronted her before she snapped completely accusing me of having an agenda and saying that it doesn’t smell like smoke at all. When she snapped I felt anger arise in me, and at the same time I turned away and walked into my room almost instinctively. Me and John talked about this on the way home and feelings of fear and anger came up. I completely allowed them to be there as we drove home.

When we got back to their place I explained everything to Ingerid, including the previous encounter with my neighbour. Ingerid said that this is what I had been doing for so many lives. I deny myself in order to please others. I let others treat me badly, and instead of standing up for myself I turn the anger inwards towards, beating myself up about it. This was the anger that I had been taking with me from my previous lives. She also said that this was something that Shaumbra does because on some level we know it doesn’t matter, but it was time to reclaim our self worth. Suddenly I expanded beyond my body, losing all references of up-down-left-right, and a dizzyness hit me. I felt a huge wave of anger pass through me and vanish, and then came the sorrow. Sorrow that I had not treated myself with the love that is who I truly am. I suddenly realized that the highest purpose for me, the highest love for my Self, is always the highest purpose in any situation. I did not have to allow my neighbour to let the entire appartment reek of old cigarettes.

It is ok to be true to myself regardless of how it made others feel. It is actually the greatest gift you can give.

The Sleeper Awakens part 1

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

I haven’t written since february.. Wow, that’s a long time, and with so much that has happened, this is going to be a long one.

I guess I’ll start with what happened right after my last post. I had just realized I was pissed off at myself instead of at Maren for mirroring my own feelings towards myself, but I still feared her like I fear death. This is because what I really fear in her, or what I really experience in her is rejection from my mother. This happens in just about everyone’s life in some form or another, and it is when we first let go of who we are. We take the dramatic incident as ours, we identify with it, and think we are not worthy of love. But love is what we are. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. The rejection was so terrifying for me, and along with my father in the picture, I have also taken a hatred towards women as my own, so that is what I am feeling right now. Hatred, and right below there lies the death of what I am not.

So some time later I started to talk to someone who had randomly added me to some social network I visit once every 3 months or so, and the connection was there right away. She lived in the states, and I was completely mesmerized by her. The feeling of being completely in love only lasted for a week or so, and during that time I realized that we fall in love to heal the wounds of our childhoods. It doesn’t sound very romantic, but not all relationships are meant to be forever. You cannot love another until you realize who you are. Until then, all relationships carry with them what you expect from others. The expectations and belief systems you have about the world is what will be brought to you in the relationships, and that is also what they are there to heal.

I am almost struggling to find the memory of what happens between then and now, because I am now in the present moment, and there is very little room for the worries of the past here. They only serve to shape what you expect of the future.. And thus actually shape your future.

Anyway, for about a month I had a relapse where I numbed myself out, distracted myself from the process, and played an online game that I hadn’t played for 5 years or whatnot. I felt the low energies in the place, and saw the people who had spent up to 50,000 hours online. That’s almost 5 years! I knew in myself I was stalling my growth. I didn’t have much contact with the outside world, and my attempts at being in touch with anyone turned out to be very dramatic at best.. Ingerid, being completely without ego, was the only one I really felt I could talk to, and she rarely – if ever – returned my calls. One night I got a hold of her, though, and she got a message straight from Source to me. Be wary of distractions. It couldn’t have been more clear, so I quit completely and continued to feel like shit all the time.

I decided to start seeing Ingerid as a patient to help heal the pain that I was carrying around, and in the beginning of april she told me that she would be able to have me start at the beginning of june. It felt like forever. 2 months! I knew that I had created this for myself, and that I was going to have to go through it myself.. I knew it all in my head, though, and the feelings that were there was completely different. Hate, impatience, fear, self loathing. The whole range of emotions that I had kept bottling up for all my life was now free to come back to me, and I could certainly feel it all.

At the beginning of may I had finally gotten the money I was supposed to have since november, and since I didn’t get them until may I had it backpayed too. I was very pleased with that, and with that an opportunity to reunite Ingerid with her twin flame arrived. John came, and suddenly there were 2 masters in my presence. My second conversation with John started a release in me that let me feel the peace of the present moment briefly, before it went away later that night to be replaced by the trauma of my past.

After a long wait june finally arrived, and it was time for my first session with Ingerid. When I arrived both Ingerid and John were sitting there. Ingerid had suggested over the phone earlier that we try something new, and so they were both going to do these sessions with me. John pointed out that I was the one who helped bring them together, and now I was the first one that they were going to have sessions – later called satsang – with. He then asked whether or not I thought this was coincidence? Needless to say I didn’t. It was still all in my head though. I had trained myself mentally into thinking what can be known from somewhere completely different. More about that later though. John explained that they saw me as a pioneer for this type of work that was going to be done, a lightworker. He then gave me the book “A Course in Miracles” that he had brought with him from Canada. Although my thoughts and feelings about myself didn’t exactly correspond with what he said, I found resonance in his words from deep within me. Someplace I hadn’t touched in what felt like forever.