Archive for release

11:11:11.. Again?!

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past week has certainly been interesting. I woke up on the 29th november, another 11:11:11 portal, feeling like complete crap. I had slept very uneasily, and my stomach was in severe pain. So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet… Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening, and night, kneeling over the toilet. Such a lovely night, emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals. At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling. Eventually around 4am I hadn’t had to “go” for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed. I brought a bucket to be sure, and water. Ah, precious water. I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain, like it was growing out of itself. Really weird feeling. My mouth would go dry every 5-10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water, turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5-10 minutes and repeat the process. After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so.. I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop, refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed. The day went by pretty quickly. I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before. I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt, and I’ve put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before. The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am. At last I slept through the entire night, and I didn’t wake up until half past 1 the day after.

I felt so rested, I woke up with a smile, my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me. After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were, and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes. It was satsang day, and I felt ready for whatever that would come. I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn’t let her go still. I decided to bring it up with Ingerid because I wanted to set her free. Set myself free. Ingerid responded that feeling love is a very good thing, it is only my mind that tells me that I shouldn’t feel love because it’s over and whatnot. It was very clear that she was right, and a sensation of gratitude arose in me. I was grateful for being able to feel love for someone else, and it felt ok. I felt this stinging pain in the back of my head and neck, and I asked her what it meant. She told me that it was “hard-necked” belief systems being released. Loving someone despite not being in a relationship with them, being able to give love to someone without having them return the favor. We then talked about the release that had been going on the past days and that it was a lower chakra cleaning, and Ingerid invited me to dive deep into them to go into what was there, so we talked about how I felt about my father. I was terrified to wrong him, because he had absolute total control over me. He could end my existence, and I fully believed that. Ingerid said that there was my vengeful god image, my father as I had placed as the rule of a vindictive god. I had been joyous and spontanous as a child, and it had often been met with 50/50 reactions of either laughter or anger. He would roar to get his will across, and everytime I felt so afraid I couldn’t move. Ingerid said that this is what happens when freedom and joy comes into the life of tyrants, it scares them. Then a sense of distance came up. I felt that I had to distance myself because I didn’t know if I was going to get a reaction of approval or anger from him. All my life I had taken a backseat to myself, and because I was so utterly terrified of my father, I did everything to please him. I even acted like him, because that’s how I finally got approval. All this from feelings that was now being released. Ingerid asked me where my mother was in all this, and I couldn’t see her. She just wasn’t there. I felt this white-hot glowing anger at my mother. I was angry with her for not standing up for me, for not being there when I was violated. That’s why I’ve never trusted women, and that’s why I’ve drawn all these unreliable women to me throughout my life. All the itching pain and emotions that were coming up felt like a flood, and yet I felt so calm and grateful at the same time.

After a while John came in with toast, and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating. After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness, a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies. She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies. Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared, sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours. I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in, and she said that Mary Magdalene was there. It wasn’t the first time, in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang. First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so, then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in, which wasn’t the case.. At least not in the same sense as before. Mary then said that I didn’t need that help anymore, because I was so good at releasing by myself, which felt very humbling. She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect. She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose. Nothing is “wasted.” So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart.

During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling. This warm, loving embrace that didn’t care what the circumstances were. Everything was okay, everything was okay.. This maternal, unconditional love. It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here.

So much information was passed through by Mary that I can’t put it all here, but we all had a very exciting evening, and at the end of it we watched “The Game” with Michael Douglas. Extremely good movie, and so full of symbols. It really is beautiful. As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang. I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up. He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ, or one Christ to this earth, and so she is the symbol of purity. The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am “worthy.” Not that I’ve ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed, but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM, in fact, worthy. This is very profound, was John’s words. I felt the same.

After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away. I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep. I woke up the day after as it was getting dark. I looked at the time and it was 4pm, so I decided to head to town to get some food. I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad, so I mixed some salad from the salad-bufet at the grocery store and headed home. The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead, and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air. I came home, watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking. She’s conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control, and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me. Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us, so what is playing out is merely the “darkness” being pushed up by the light. It is already healed. The answer provokes the question, as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before, it was all so clear to me now. That’s why acceptance is so important. A wave of calm came over me, and I felt completely content with the present moment. Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so, and I can accept it all in peace now.

A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor. I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring, or half a crown. It has a crown on one side, and immediately it struck me as incredibly important. I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown. The rule of control is over. John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man, 5 being man and 10 being Source. I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself, but in a totally different way. It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is, also abundance on all levels. I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels, because I AM abundance, and now it will show in all my manifestations.

I feel so in touch with my emotions.. With my presence. I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life! I just love being right here, and right now. I realize my life is one of service, and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy.

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I AM what I AM.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past days have been filled with messages, and I’ll get to that, I just had to get this down right away. I just read through some blogs that I’ve been following, including Patrice Julien’s blog. I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said: I AM WHAT I AM. This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids’ place. Also the past days have been filled with similar signs, as I’ll describe in detail. Anyway, I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that “I AM” speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen, and he ends with quoting the song “I AM WHAT I AM” by Gloria Gaynor. While I’m reading this I am watching the tv series “Two and a half men” which I find very funny, as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan.. And in the end, guess what? Berta’s sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans’ mother, singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor! I was struck speechless.

Okay so let me back up a few days. To the 25th to be more exact. I had another movie marathon of dreams. I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video. It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji, and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then. So that night one of the “scenes” were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit. I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it, but the chance never arose. The meaning is pretty clear though. Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food, and since I couldn’t be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley. I had the key-ring-coin-lookalike-key ready, but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose. It was free from its chains, unattached. Free. I asked to be shown the meaning of this, but I already knew the answer. It was very obvious.

The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful. I remembered having a dream, and the feeling of that dream lingered. It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt, so I asked to be shown the dream I had had. I usually do this if there’s any details of dreams that I’m uncertain of, and they usually “pop up” almost immediately. This time, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just that sense of despair, fear, horror and sorrow. A little bundle of love. I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4-5 hours, waking up at around 3pm. I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before, and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked, so I went in and got my bike. As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete, and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day. I put it back and went to the store, and encountered the same free roaming trolley again. I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping, and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK. 144 being the number of completion, I couldn’t help but laugh. I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter, and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries.

When I got home and checked my computer John was online, so I asked him about the symbols, and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant. John verified this.

Friday came, and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit, when the “I AM what I AM” was very obvious. No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after “I AM what I AM” either. Anyway, they were talking about their day, and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through. We also talked about just how profound the new energy is. Before when beings ascended, their bodies would “leave” this earthly existence as the being ascended, but now we can do what they did while still being in this body. That is why so many so-called masters are coming back to experience these times with us. I explained that I had had some dreams about sex the past nights, and John said that was a good sign. I carry some dark sexual energies with me still that apparently seem to start to come up finally. Then Ingerid asked me if I could do some stuff for her blog. Suddenly this feeling of.. something.. welled up in me, and my knees felt wobbly. Not in the fuzzy peaceful way this time. It felt dark, controlling, angry and panicked. Right after Ingerid got a sign that she was protected, held safe to make sure that what was going to come would make it all the way. After a while they were leaving, and I felt I needed to get out for a bit so I walked them to their car. I still had no idea what this feeling was telling me, but it still felt very intense. I was obvioulsy supposed to get whatever they brought that night, so I let it be and went to bed. I had a sex dream that night again, so it definitely feels like something is moving.

The next day, saturday, I asked Ingerid how they were doing, and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day. I was still feeling panicky frightened. I felt this uncertainty, like I didn’t know what was going to happen. It felt like I was completely letting go of control.. And there it was! It was so clear! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control. I embraced the uncertainty, and suddenly a wave of relief came over me. It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future. This was what I experienced yesterday aswell. Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth. Freedom is complete surrender, the sacred emptiness.. That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control. But not so much so that we don’t want to surrender. This was exactly how I felt. I rested in the moment, fell deeper and deeper into it. It was so liberating, with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful.

Changes feel very much exponential. The more we free ourselves, the more darkness can be “shook up” by the light that comes through the next time.. Why worry about what might be, when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? 🙂

Crying is Underrated.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2009 by freedomofnow

I just realized that this blog is written in part by my ego. Reading my last post there’s a large amount of justification by a little hurt inner child. The past week has been so full of synchronicities I want to get it down in writing. It’s almost funny.. when all this began I would freak out if this happened once a month or every two weeks and go talk about it to everyone constantly. Now I have come to the point where I just smile and know that it is as it should be.

To start with a piece of great news I’ve finally gotten my arse upp to the new city where I now reside. It’s a great place in the middle of Norway, located at the “mouth” of a fjord. Mountains lining both sides and a river going into the country. It’s beautiful. So I came up here and got settled in my new appartment, which is also very beautiful. Totally renovated except for the kitchen, flatscreen in the bedroom(that I haven’t used yet, but still!) and even a fridge with an ice machine! I was, and still am, extatic when I found the ice machine.

Me and Ingerid are starting a peace project where we’re going to host concerts, foto exhibitions amongst other things, to raise money for chilren worldwide. So a few months ago I get an email from a musician who had read this blog and wanted me to check out his music. Beautiful, beautiful music, so I sent it to my friend in Israel that I’ve mentioned in an earlier post. Anyway, he checks out the music and since it’s on MySpace, he looks at the friends of the musician, finds another musician that he said he felt a connection to and sent me her link. So I create a MySpace account and sent her an email describing the peace campaign and also mentioned my belief in coincidences; that there are none. She responded about a month later saying that she doesn’t believe in coincidences either and it turns out she’s very interested in the campaign, and she’s coming to Norway at the end of february! Very exciting times indeed.

So, I just listened to the “Releasing Soul Fear” channel by Kuthumi Lal Singh – I’ve also posted it under videos for those of you who are interested – a few days ago, and as it turns out on the 28th of January I finally realized that I had to stand on my own in this process and find my own light, and chose to fully accept what’s coming. The day after when I logged on facebook a chat dialog was opened as if someone was trying to contact me, so I thought I would beat them to it and said hi. It turns out they weren’t trying to contact me, and that person was crucial to the release of a lot of resentment towards my parents. I’ve never gotten a reading before.. and the first one was online.. It was very interesting. She told me to visualize the higher self of my parents, and visualize myself in a bubble of love, and tell them what came up of feelings. So I did, and all of a sudden waves of emotion hit me and I couldn’t help but cry. I’ve come to realize that crying is one of the best forms of healing. It’s acceptance and forgiveness of what has been, and fills up the darkness of hatred with love. Strangely enough both my parents called within 2 hours after that happened. They both wanted to see how I was doing.

The night before I heard Kuthumi’s channel I had this really heavy dream too. I was in my appartment and was heading out for some reason. It was evening. When I got out looked right above one of the mountain tops and saw a moon there, sort of hiding between the highest and next highest peaks. When I looked closer it looked like it split up in the middle, vertically, and the two parts slid open before me. I also saw a circle around it. Then a little bit above that moon was another moon, and much higher than the other two yet another! 3 moons in perfect alignment. I talked to Ingerid about what it could mean and she said it has to do with the femine returning to me, so that’s a great sign.

The past weeks have been really quiet for me. I haven’t really contacted anyone, and nobody’s contacted me. So I got a message from Maren asking where I’ve been. So I told her that I’d been in silence for the past weeks and she asked back if I had stayed inside feeling sorry for myself. I felt my frustration emerge. Anger. Hate, even. So I called her out on her prejudice and she denied it, making me even more angry. She also told me my ego was holding on and that I still wanted to be a victim. I was at my breaking point. I felt she was incredibly arrogant with me.

I’ve had this thing about arrogance all my life.. I just can’t stand it, and in retrospect you become that which you condemn. Back to the story at hand I felt my frustration and anger grow to the point where I didn’t really know what to do with myself. So I tried shushing it, so to speak, I tried embracing it, accepting it.. and yet my ego came back and got that frustration going. It was like that until this morning, when Maren sent me a message asking why I never contacted her and how angry I really was with her.. So I tried explaining in a message, but I know all I experience is my own creation. The outside world is a mirror of the world inside me.. But it’s so convenient to blame it on someone! To give your powers away. So I was stuck in the middle. The battle between acceptance and ego, and I felt emotions start swelling up. It got to the point where I said “I can’t take it anymore.” and I let go. I let what is, be. It felt like I was hanging by a rope above a chasm, and let go. In the moment where I let go completely I realized that it is not Maren I’m angry with. It’s not her I resent. It’s myself. It’s my own resentment that is manifested, that I’m experiencing. That realization sent me into tears. I cried, hulking, I don’t even know for how long. I cried until I had no more tears, and suddenly the dreadful feeling I had had within me was replaced with a sense of bliss. Like a a rush of love had come to replace the resentment I had held on to for so long. I felt 20 kilos lighter, like the weight of the world had lifted from my chest.

Just when it seems the darkest around you, that’s where you’ll find your brightest light – inside yourself.