Archive for neale donald walsch

Emotional Honesty

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by freedomofnow

Another week has gone by, filled with connected moments. Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing, and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th. She immediately said “But your body needs protein!” and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up. After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come. I sat still and felt anger come, then a fear also reported itself to my awareness. I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it. I felt my “I AM” presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body, the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM. I let the feeling play out, and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers’ love. I looked at this fear, and at the same time I felt my “I AM” presence around it, and after some time the fear melted into this “I AM” and became that. I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words, profound peace in my entire being. I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions. This is a so-called release. Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up, listen to what they say, and then they will go and leave you in peace.

Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid, but instead we spent the day just hanging out. Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers’ company through the day. That didn’t stop the feelings from coming, though, and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself. I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up. I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection. I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years. It was so true. I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat. Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going, like an upside down waterfall running through me.

We stayed till late that night and watched the movie “Pretty Woman” and then John drove me home. As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top. I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon. He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon, and it was suddenly very clear why. The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth, thereby affecting our life here on the planet. This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey. It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it. As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid, and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1,- krone lying on the ground. I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them. As I showed it to John, he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom. I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me.

As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren. Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her, and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that. As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards, and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up. John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are. I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming, and so we kept digging deeper. Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren. To lessen the anger. Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night, and not just one, an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going. I noticed 7 of them. They jumped across the road one by one, but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them. This immediately struck me as significant, and John agreed. So he asked me what they were, but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it. They were innocent. They showed me that despite what I may think, I am innocent and pure. The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before.

What had happened on the way home with John, both the conversation and the symbolism, had had a very profound impact on me, so when I got home I went to bed right away. I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my “I AM” presence. Ingerids words echoed “You still haven’t forgiven, or the anger wouldn’t keep coming back.” I had felt something shift today, so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life, and now I didn’t need it anymore. I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely.

That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car, and it was a school where everyone carried guns. We met a short, skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry. He was also very triggerhappy, so he started to shoot after me. He hit me a couple of times in my upper body, just missing vital organs like lungs and heart, and he hit me once in the left part of my head. I walked up to the guy, and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands. I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together, and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him. He looked perplexed and his gun-arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets, but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched, and I never let my hands waver. I saw the profound effect this had on him and said “This is who you really are,” and I closed my eyes. He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes. Then I started crying a whole lot, and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital. I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up. I saw this gold-red-yellow-blue-green and white – all at the same time – light coming down in front of me, but nothing happened.. Then I woke up.

I woke up as the sun was setting the following day, and I immediately felt some turbulence there. I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything. The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness. Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered. I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed. Then I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, like there was no going back to the old ways. It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before. Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up, and I welcomed them with open arms. Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely. I remembered having felt like that as a child, but not since. I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break.

When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours. I had a shower and sat down to check my email, and the first email I read was “I believe God wants you to know” from Neale Donald Walsch. It said:

On this day of your life, Martin, I believe God wants you to know…
..that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may
be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so
much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as
much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this
juncture if that’s what’s happening. Don’t hang on so
tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is
that you can pick up only the pieces that you want…

…and you know exactly why I told you this today…

Love, Your Friend….
Neale

This hit home so profoundly, and I realized that’s what was happening. I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn’t have my anger to protect me anymore, and it was okay. It is okay to let everything fall apart. As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face. All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came, and it was okay.

This is such a contrast from where I have come from it’s almost indescribable. I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all. I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings, and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced. This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence, and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it.

Back to Source.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2009 by freedomofnow

Love is the essence of who we are.

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything. After my profound, wordless experience with the infinite I had a couple of days of complete freedom, and then hit the deepest sense of hopeless emptiness that I have ever felt. I had never felt it before that time, and it struck me like a frying pan to the face with its sense of despair. Everything became an effort, even getting out of bed. The world was grey, tasteless. I found some comfort in teachings of Mooji, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, etc. Some moments of stillness where I felt myself expanding, but this feeling held me back. I could not get past it, and I did not know why. I would go into the feeling and poke at it with my attention, accept it, ask for help releasing it.. It even affected Maren – who I was living with – and her child. He would go into these screaming fits and after he had released what he had in him he would point at me and tell Maren I was very angry. It was true, I was extremely angry. The world owed me for all the things it had put me through, and for what I was feeling at the moment.

And then in the beginning of september it was time for a session with Ingerid and John. I came there and my expectations of a similar experience from last time were quickly let down by the pace of things.. It was a day of observing, but within me I screamed for validation. I was justified in my sense of hopelessness. I left there that night with a reality check, and the next day I realized that I had chosen to believe in the drama, in the feelings of hopeless desperation.. The days passed and turned into weeks, and I still felt trapped. I was told to let go, to give up, and all the signs pointed towards death and rebirth. Maren connected with her twin flame, and I painfully realized I had not given up on the two of us at all. In addition to everything else I was feeling there was a deep sense of abandonment aswell. Then late september I realized I had to move out, so I went looking for an appartment.. About an hour later Maren called to tell me the same thing, so we had an agreement. I found this cozy small ground-level appartment with a big window facing a forest and the mountains. Maren gave me the last cat of the batch that she was originally going to keep, so now I had 3 loving cats with me.. I was surrounded by love, but I didn’t feel it.

I moved in the 1st october. I had realized that there was no point resisting what would come anymore, that clinging on to my ego and its ideas only brought me pain and suffering. By then I had come to the point where I said “I give up,” and “I surrender” several times daily, and also several times per hour I would pray to be free because the pain felt overwhelming.

Last wednesday I gave Ingerid a call, I don’t remember why, but she had just come out of a major channeling and wave of new energy, so when she picked up she said that I obviously was supposed to take part in that too. We talked for about 30 minutes, and then we hung up. Almost immediately I heard this rumbling outside, so I looked out, and right outside my window an avalanche roared down the mountain. A quite striking symbol of things falling.

Then this tuesday it was finally time for a session with Ingerid and John again, and I had a feeling of something growing.. A sensation of something big about to happen. On the morning before I left for Ingerid’s place I prayed that this be the day I would “get it.” I felt quite calm in my chaos, like someone had put a muffler between me and it. I met Ingerid in town and we bought breakfast before we went to her place to start the session.

Once we got there I told her about a dream I had had where I was holding a speech about Atlantis, and we talked about previous lives. I mentioned I had an affiinity for china and martial arts, and her eyes went wide as she said “You’ve been a samurai!” And she started getting messages and images from my previous lives.

I was the brother of the emperor a long time ago in china, but because I was too naive and soft I was not chosen for the role of emperor, so I became a samurai. Not for the purpose of war, but as a bodyguard to the emperor. There was a garden that I loved, and I would train for hours every day in it. Also on the smooth polished stone stairs to the emperor there was a patio(?) with a magnificent view where I would train. Then I was deceived and everything got taken from me, but because I was so naive I did not understand what was happening until it was too late. My brother had deceived me – and when Ingerid said this John immediately got a vision of my brother in that life being my father in this one. The sorrow I felt was so deep that I didn’t even try to fight to keep it, I just left everything behind and walked away from it all.

Straight from that life to Russia. I was a man in a power position. I had everything, but I didn’t care. I lived a life of vodka, and used women. Not in a cruel way, but just because I didn’t care. The emptiness I felt was so great. Ingerid also got a vision of that being the life where I started searching. Like being in a deep forest and searching for the rays of sun breaking the crowns of the trees. Then her eyes went wide again, and she explained “Do you know how you died in that life?!” It turned out I wanted out so bad that I had paid someone to take my life, but because I was afraid of dying I wanted them to do it when I least expected it. I had taken these energies with me past death, and that was what I had been feeling of late. I actually felt a sense of pride of the way that I chose to go the last time. If you’re going to go, might aswell go with a bang, eh?

After that life I had been on another planet. I asked Ingerid if that’s why I had an affinity to Mars, and she got shivers as I did.. John explained that sometimes when the pain is too deep we go to some interdimensional place to create a buffer for that kind of feelings until we are ready to face them.. And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was why I hadn’t felt. I had chosen not to feel until I was ready to take on the pain of my past lives. What Ingerid told me rang so true, and it correlated so much with experiences and feelings I had had throughout my entire life. I recognized the dreadful anticipation and fear of my life in russia, the enormous sense of loss and abandonment from my life in china, and suddenly I felt a sense of peace deep in my stomach. Ingerid was told that I had had enough for that time, and we called it a day. They drove me to town because they had some grocery shopping to do. As we walked into the store I felt very wobbly in my knees, and suddenly it hit me.. “I am in Source.” I looked at Ingerid and she just smiled knowingly and said that she could tell. When I rode my bike home things had taken on a new sparkle. There was a new sense of depth to everything I saw.

That night I dreamt that I was chasing a girl through a labyrinth for a very long time, and when I finally caught up to her, nothing was as it seemed. I woke up feeling very refreshed around noon the day after, looked at my phone, and it seemed that my ex had called me. My dark night of the soul-ex. I rang her up and it immediately struck me that this was some sort of full circle closure. I felt only gratitude for what we had experienced together, and the same deep sense of peace was still with me from yesterday.

After we spoke I decided to get up and make breakfast. Even though I felt peaceful I had a sense of distress in me. I decided to go for a bike ride. I didn’t know exactly why, but I felt compelled to ride a route I hadn’t taken before. The road led me up a mountain pass. The wind was against me and it was slightly uphill, but I felt that I had to go.. Besides, the trip back was going to be very smooth I told myself. After an hour and a half I made it to the end of the road and a mail-truck drove past me to the last house on the road. I asked the mail-woman if the road continued ahead and she told me it did stopped just up the hill, so I decided to keep going. The last part of the road was a 2 kilometer rise at about 20-30 degree angle. It was so bad I had to stop about 50 meters before making it all the way. I looked back and saw the landscape stretch down all the way to the sea past the harbour of the city, it was very beautiful so I took some pictures, and then I decided to push my bike the rest of the way up the road. The vision that met me when I finally reached the top made me realize why I had taken the trip. I stood on huge rocks covered with soft moss, looking at mountains on the right, snow clad mountains on the left and a forest in autumn colors framing in a large, placid mountain lake. At that moment I felt love surround me, embrace me. It was so overwhelming that I cried. Tears of happiness running down my face. It was just so beautiful. I had never cried because of happiness before. Crying used to be reserved for “weak” people, but this time I let it all come.

I sat there, looking out on the beautiful landscape for about an hour before I decided to head back. I felt so light, like all the worries of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Every single cell in my body was – and still is – vibrating with a sense of peace, joy, love and freedom like I never knew was possible. A deep sense of love, love for myself, for the first time that I can remember. I finally realize what all the teachings mean when they say “Stay as the observer.” Now whenever some feeling come, regardless of what it is, I just rest with my love for myself, and it flows through me by itself.

I AM that I AM.