Archive for love

More Than Words…

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2009 by freedomofnow

Almost a whole week since my last post. I would have written before, but I’ve been completely caught up in the energies of the past week. So much love has come in, and thus so much of the old has been pushed out, that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing. When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock, no dreams at all came to mind. I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my “wage” and it went very well. I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime. I came home around 4 or something, and had a chat with Ingerid on skype.  We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious. I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life. I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust, the sorrow that I didn’t trust love, and suddenly I realized that that’s what I had built my life around. A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn’t want to feel it. Once I had felt it completely, I wasn’t bound by it anymore.. Because what I AM is constant, unchanging, joyous, then all feelings are just experiences. I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play.

In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again. I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep. I lay down, closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now. Sleep came almost immediately. In my dream was Ingerid and John, sitting in front of me. Ingerid to the left, John to the right. I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up. I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before, but this time it was different. It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards, generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead. I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back, aswell as various points at my back. I relaxed slightly, and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful. Ingerid looked at me and said “Remember, it’s all you,” reassuringly, and I realized that I wasn’t going to die. I let go completely. The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely “full” in my forehead, I heard Ingerid say “now…” I closed my eyes. Suddenly there was an inaudible click, as if when a bubble bursts. I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision, originating where I felt the pressure. As the light spread outwards, spirals of white-golden garlands spread outwards. I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched. It was so beautiful I started crying.

As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those “in your face” significant ones, so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away. We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries, so I called John and told him about the dream. He said “That’s pretty simple. Your third eye is opening. C spot run.” I laughed and thanked him. It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before, but since the dream it has only been growing. The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again.

The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom. I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink, and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely. I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash, then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger. I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer. I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn’t zombified. I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed.

The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless. Like something important was about to happen. I looked at the time, it was 14:44. I couldn’t help but smile.I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger. I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different, and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before. I also realized that there was nothing I had to do. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, at precisely the right time.  I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them. This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation. The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word “shatter.” Like something old was breaking. The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed. I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn’t necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me, which made a lot of sense. It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed. The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains, and I finally went to sleep late that night.

Skipping forth until the night to the 15th, I had another one of those matiné dreams that just screamed of significance. I woke up and just started writing until I had all of it down.

I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations, and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely. I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us, and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there. I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right. Suddenly we all hit the floor, I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint. I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint. Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too. Ingerod told me there was always a trick, a key of sorts, to every instance like this. So we moved on right away, walked down through the open field where there was festivities. It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it. People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn’t mind and kept walking. We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet, and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn’t stand on its own, so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself. We went to the next house. We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us. There was a creaking sound almost immediately, and I remember having heard that before. It hit me that I had BEEN here before. Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room, and suddenly there was a woman there, She looked completely mad, her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger. She had 2 knives in her hands, walking from one end to another in the room, then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle. She was aiming at me. After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me, and I faced the woman and her knives on my own. She came directly at me no matter how fast I was at avoiding her, and I felt the knives cut at my left and right sides around the stomach. Ingerid came with wet blankets to clean the wound while I was still trying to dodge the woman. I had some kind of knife myself and when she had passed me I tried stabbing her. There was blood, but Ingerid said “Don’t hurt her.” I stopped, the woman went into one wall and came out another. I tried to hold her arms to stop her from cutting me but the blades kept slicing my flesh. She came from the right and the knives cut across my stomach. At first there was so much sweat that there were no wounds, but the knives went unrelenting back and forth. I noticed there weren’t any direct wounds, but the blood kept pouring. Ingerid was there with a wet napkin to stop the bloodflow. Suddenly light came through the window, and I saw another scene unfold. The woman and a man was holding eachother on the floor, and a sort of voice narrated that they were joined together in eternity. As the voice said this a beige old woven blanket wrapped around them and was all that was left. Suddenly me and Ingerid was on an open field, and Ingerid said to help her. I looked at what she was doing, and saw a short angry looking man and a slightly taller bald one in what looked like wizards robes. The short ones had stars on it, and the taller one was completely black. Next to them was a group of children. As Ingerid stood in front of them with arms open, what looked like a red veil was above them, like the tip of a fire. I held out my hands aswell and the 2 men in the robes got more and more frantic. I pushed but nothing seemed to happen, so I stopped. I looked at Ingerid and whatever she did seemed to work, so I held up my hands again and allowed whatever wanted to come to come, and the bigger man in a robe looked at me and said “Foreldre er sexualitet i denne verden!/Parents are sexuality in this world!” then he popped. Like a balloon. Immediately followed by the little one, and the veil of red was lifted from the children. It felt like it was done. Suddenly we were back in the barn again, surrounded by people. The locale suddenly felt clean, fresh and beautiful. I started crying uncontrollably from the sense of relief in me, and that’s when I woke up.

I got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing, and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping, so I went to meet up with her. As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready. All of the soul family was gathered, and it was a day filled with joy and laughter. Truly beautiful. I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious. The blue was Mary Magdalene, so it was healing. All the people in the end was all the aspects of me, all the roles I have played, that came home. Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still, and allow everything to flow.

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Emotional Honesty

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by freedomofnow

Another week has gone by, filled with connected moments. Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing, and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th. She immediately said “But your body needs protein!” and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up. After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come. I sat still and felt anger come, then a fear also reported itself to my awareness. I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it. I felt my “I AM” presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body, the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM. I let the feeling play out, and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers’ love. I looked at this fear, and at the same time I felt my “I AM” presence around it, and after some time the fear melted into this “I AM” and became that. I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words, profound peace in my entire being. I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions. This is a so-called release. Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up, listen to what they say, and then they will go and leave you in peace.

Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid, but instead we spent the day just hanging out. Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers’ company through the day. That didn’t stop the feelings from coming, though, and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself. I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up. I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection. I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years. It was so true. I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat. Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going, like an upside down waterfall running through me.

We stayed till late that night and watched the movie “Pretty Woman” and then John drove me home. As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top. I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon. He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon, and it was suddenly very clear why. The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth, thereby affecting our life here on the planet. This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey. It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it. As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid, and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1,- krone lying on the ground. I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them. As I showed it to John, he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom. I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me.

As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren. Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her, and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that. As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards, and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up. John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are. I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming, and so we kept digging deeper. Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren. To lessen the anger. Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night, and not just one, an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going. I noticed 7 of them. They jumped across the road one by one, but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them. This immediately struck me as significant, and John agreed. So he asked me what they were, but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it. They were innocent. They showed me that despite what I may think, I am innocent and pure. The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before.

What had happened on the way home with John, both the conversation and the symbolism, had had a very profound impact on me, so when I got home I went to bed right away. I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my “I AM” presence. Ingerids words echoed “You still haven’t forgiven, or the anger wouldn’t keep coming back.” I had felt something shift today, so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life, and now I didn’t need it anymore. I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely.

That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car, and it was a school where everyone carried guns. We met a short, skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry. He was also very triggerhappy, so he started to shoot after me. He hit me a couple of times in my upper body, just missing vital organs like lungs and heart, and he hit me once in the left part of my head. I walked up to the guy, and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands. I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together, and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him. He looked perplexed and his gun-arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets, but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched, and I never let my hands waver. I saw the profound effect this had on him and said “This is who you really are,” and I closed my eyes. He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes. Then I started crying a whole lot, and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital. I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up. I saw this gold-red-yellow-blue-green and white – all at the same time – light coming down in front of me, but nothing happened.. Then I woke up.

I woke up as the sun was setting the following day, and I immediately felt some turbulence there. I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything. The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness. Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered. I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed. Then I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, like there was no going back to the old ways. It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before. Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up, and I welcomed them with open arms. Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely. I remembered having felt like that as a child, but not since. I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break.

When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours. I had a shower and sat down to check my email, and the first email I read was “I believe God wants you to know” from Neale Donald Walsch. It said:

On this day of your life, Martin, I believe God wants you to know…
..that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may
be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so
much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as
much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this
juncture if that’s what’s happening. Don’t hang on so
tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is
that you can pick up only the pieces that you want…

…and you know exactly why I told you this today…

Love, Your Friend….
Neale

This hit home so profoundly, and I realized that’s what was happening. I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn’t have my anger to protect me anymore, and it was okay. It is okay to let everything fall apart. As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face. All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came, and it was okay.

This is such a contrast from where I have come from it’s almost indescribable. I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all. I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings, and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced. This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence, and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it.

Go With the Flow.

Posted in Insights, My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2009 by freedomofnow

So.. What now? My mind has been trying to lure me into games of right and wrong, attack and defense, you and me for a week now, yet this silent vibrational sensation that is me keeps humming its peaceful, loving OM regardless of what is thought or felt. It is my unchanging true identity. In its presence, all illusions seem to dissipate into nothing. The day after my moving bike ride I would see series of 5s everywhere. 555, 5555, 55:55, etc. I asked Ingerid what this was, and she said it was freedom of the past, which felt very accurate.

I realized that enlightenment is such a loaded word. It seems to imply such a struggle, a striving towards something, when it is the complete opposite. It is the letting go and allowing what is to be that is true freedom. Enlightenment isn’t a personal experience. It may be at first, but once the eyes see from the perspective of the soul, then the thoughts that use to make up the identity lose their power.

We always struggle to fill the emptiness with whatever it may be that holds our attention at that moment, but what we fail to realize is that that very emptiness is you. Trying to fill the emptiness is the ego trying to bring substance to itself in a world where nothing is solid. The worst fear of the ego is to become nothing, because we think it will bring death to us, when in fact that death is what lets us see life as it truly is. From eyes that see joy, peace, love and freedom in everything comes the truest sensation of who we really are.

Everything you seek is already inside you, how can it be anywhere else? How can anything be outside of that which is absolute?

I AM.

Back to Source.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2009 by freedomofnow

Love is the essence of who we are.

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything. After my profound, wordless experience with the infinite I had a couple of days of complete freedom, and then hit the deepest sense of hopeless emptiness that I have ever felt. I had never felt it before that time, and it struck me like a frying pan to the face with its sense of despair. Everything became an effort, even getting out of bed. The world was grey, tasteless. I found some comfort in teachings of Mooji, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, etc. Some moments of stillness where I felt myself expanding, but this feeling held me back. I could not get past it, and I did not know why. I would go into the feeling and poke at it with my attention, accept it, ask for help releasing it.. It even affected Maren – who I was living with – and her child. He would go into these screaming fits and after he had released what he had in him he would point at me and tell Maren I was very angry. It was true, I was extremely angry. The world owed me for all the things it had put me through, and for what I was feeling at the moment.

And then in the beginning of september it was time for a session with Ingerid and John. I came there and my expectations of a similar experience from last time were quickly let down by the pace of things.. It was a day of observing, but within me I screamed for validation. I was justified in my sense of hopelessness. I left there that night with a reality check, and the next day I realized that I had chosen to believe in the drama, in the feelings of hopeless desperation.. The days passed and turned into weeks, and I still felt trapped. I was told to let go, to give up, and all the signs pointed towards death and rebirth. Maren connected with her twin flame, and I painfully realized I had not given up on the two of us at all. In addition to everything else I was feeling there was a deep sense of abandonment aswell. Then late september I realized I had to move out, so I went looking for an appartment.. About an hour later Maren called to tell me the same thing, so we had an agreement. I found this cozy small ground-level appartment with a big window facing a forest and the mountains. Maren gave me the last cat of the batch that she was originally going to keep, so now I had 3 loving cats with me.. I was surrounded by love, but I didn’t feel it.

I moved in the 1st october. I had realized that there was no point resisting what would come anymore, that clinging on to my ego and its ideas only brought me pain and suffering. By then I had come to the point where I said “I give up,” and “I surrender” several times daily, and also several times per hour I would pray to be free because the pain felt overwhelming.

Last wednesday I gave Ingerid a call, I don’t remember why, but she had just come out of a major channeling and wave of new energy, so when she picked up she said that I obviously was supposed to take part in that too. We talked for about 30 minutes, and then we hung up. Almost immediately I heard this rumbling outside, so I looked out, and right outside my window an avalanche roared down the mountain. A quite striking symbol of things falling.

Then this tuesday it was finally time for a session with Ingerid and John again, and I had a feeling of something growing.. A sensation of something big about to happen. On the morning before I left for Ingerid’s place I prayed that this be the day I would “get it.” I felt quite calm in my chaos, like someone had put a muffler between me and it. I met Ingerid in town and we bought breakfast before we went to her place to start the session.

Once we got there I told her about a dream I had had where I was holding a speech about Atlantis, and we talked about previous lives. I mentioned I had an affiinity for china and martial arts, and her eyes went wide as she said “You’ve been a samurai!” And she started getting messages and images from my previous lives.

I was the brother of the emperor a long time ago in china, but because I was too naive and soft I was not chosen for the role of emperor, so I became a samurai. Not for the purpose of war, but as a bodyguard to the emperor. There was a garden that I loved, and I would train for hours every day in it. Also on the smooth polished stone stairs to the emperor there was a patio(?) with a magnificent view where I would train. Then I was deceived and everything got taken from me, but because I was so naive I did not understand what was happening until it was too late. My brother had deceived me – and when Ingerid said this John immediately got a vision of my brother in that life being my father in this one. The sorrow I felt was so deep that I didn’t even try to fight to keep it, I just left everything behind and walked away from it all.

Straight from that life to Russia. I was a man in a power position. I had everything, but I didn’t care. I lived a life of vodka, and used women. Not in a cruel way, but just because I didn’t care. The emptiness I felt was so great. Ingerid also got a vision of that being the life where I started searching. Like being in a deep forest and searching for the rays of sun breaking the crowns of the trees. Then her eyes went wide again, and she explained “Do you know how you died in that life?!” It turned out I wanted out so bad that I had paid someone to take my life, but because I was afraid of dying I wanted them to do it when I least expected it. I had taken these energies with me past death, and that was what I had been feeling of late. I actually felt a sense of pride of the way that I chose to go the last time. If you’re going to go, might aswell go with a bang, eh?

After that life I had been on another planet. I asked Ingerid if that’s why I had an affinity to Mars, and she got shivers as I did.. John explained that sometimes when the pain is too deep we go to some interdimensional place to create a buffer for that kind of feelings until we are ready to face them.. And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was why I hadn’t felt. I had chosen not to feel until I was ready to take on the pain of my past lives. What Ingerid told me rang so true, and it correlated so much with experiences and feelings I had had throughout my entire life. I recognized the dreadful anticipation and fear of my life in russia, the enormous sense of loss and abandonment from my life in china, and suddenly I felt a sense of peace deep in my stomach. Ingerid was told that I had had enough for that time, and we called it a day. They drove me to town because they had some grocery shopping to do. As we walked into the store I felt very wobbly in my knees, and suddenly it hit me.. “I am in Source.” I looked at Ingerid and she just smiled knowingly and said that she could tell. When I rode my bike home things had taken on a new sparkle. There was a new sense of depth to everything I saw.

That night I dreamt that I was chasing a girl through a labyrinth for a very long time, and when I finally caught up to her, nothing was as it seemed. I woke up feeling very refreshed around noon the day after, looked at my phone, and it seemed that my ex had called me. My dark night of the soul-ex. I rang her up and it immediately struck me that this was some sort of full circle closure. I felt only gratitude for what we had experienced together, and the same deep sense of peace was still with me from yesterday.

After we spoke I decided to get up and make breakfast. Even though I felt peaceful I had a sense of distress in me. I decided to go for a bike ride. I didn’t know exactly why, but I felt compelled to ride a route I hadn’t taken before. The road led me up a mountain pass. The wind was against me and it was slightly uphill, but I felt that I had to go.. Besides, the trip back was going to be very smooth I told myself. After an hour and a half I made it to the end of the road and a mail-truck drove past me to the last house on the road. I asked the mail-woman if the road continued ahead and she told me it did stopped just up the hill, so I decided to keep going. The last part of the road was a 2 kilometer rise at about 20-30 degree angle. It was so bad I had to stop about 50 meters before making it all the way. I looked back and saw the landscape stretch down all the way to the sea past the harbour of the city, it was very beautiful so I took some pictures, and then I decided to push my bike the rest of the way up the road. The vision that met me when I finally reached the top made me realize why I had taken the trip. I stood on huge rocks covered with soft moss, looking at mountains on the right, snow clad mountains on the left and a forest in autumn colors framing in a large, placid mountain lake. At that moment I felt love surround me, embrace me. It was so overwhelming that I cried. Tears of happiness running down my face. It was just so beautiful. I had never cried because of happiness before. Crying used to be reserved for “weak” people, but this time I let it all come.

I sat there, looking out on the beautiful landscape for about an hour before I decided to head back. I felt so light, like all the worries of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Every single cell in my body was – and still is – vibrating with a sense of peace, joy, love and freedom like I never knew was possible. A deep sense of love, love for myself, for the first time that I can remember. I finally realize what all the teachings mean when they say “Stay as the observer.” Now whenever some feeling come, regardless of what it is, I just rest with my love for myself, and it flows through me by itself.

I AM that I AM.

The Sleeper Awakens part 2

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

The first session consisted mostly of talk about this, and how the process is as long as we choose it. We can choose to be free right now, a concept that seemed unbelievable to me at the time. We also dug into some feelings and let me confront my father, which felt like a huge blessing. I was so light when I came home, and this time it didn’t go away until the day after. Again, I blamed myself for going back into the drama.

The second session would prove to be exponentially more efficient. We were talking about the “process” and how it can be as short as we want, and whether or not I was ready to let everything go. I didn’t feel very ready, but I said yes anyway. My ego said yes. My head wanted to know. I was talking about a dream I had had when Ingerid stopped me and said I had an entity that was feeding on my energies. I felt a wave of horror creep through me, as if I had been discovered stealing from he cookie jar when I was little. I realized that this was the entity conveying emotions to me. The cord that connected us was the width of a wrist. When the usual size of these cords are threads, the influence it had on me gets pretty clear. All my negative emotions had seemed so incredibly dominant. John said that with a cord that thick it had most likely been with me for several lifetimes. Ingerid said we had to join our efforts to ask it to leave, so she sat next to John and we all closed our eyes. I pictured myself with this huge wirecutter cutting the cord, and after a while Ingerid said “It is done. How do you feel?”

I felt incredibly weird. Lightheaded, dizzy, almost like falling mid-air. I explained it to her and she said it was the entity and its energies leaving my body. I started to feel light. A sense of bliss came over me, and it was as if a waterfall of light poured into my head. I felt like I was about to burst with happiness, and yet I was very calm and relaxed. I went out to listen to the sound of a waterfall nearby.. Smell the flowers. Just relax.

What happened in the following sessions is kind of blurry, but the second to last session at the time of writing was a very powerful one. The session before I had gotten a lot of anger towards my father triggered, and that left me feeling utterly hopeless. That was how my father made me feel when I was little, but again the rage covered it. So Ingerid and John were talking yet again about the process and how we can choose any moment to wake up. Then Ingerid found a video of Mooji on youtube with a woman that was very much the same as me.

I have always tried to get a quick fix for everything, but Mooji also speaks about a stepless awakening. That one step is already one step too much.

Watching the last video I realized that the quick fix I had been trying to get outside of myself was useless. The quick fix was what I already was, and the thought of letting go is already one thought too much. So I felt complete acceptance in me. Complete surrender, and with it a cold feeling in my stomach wallowing up, the fear being released effortlessly. At the same time I felt this blissful feeling come over me. I looked at Ingerid and said, do you see this? And she just nodded with a loving smile. I sat still and just felt it. I felt light, joyful, free! I was free!

The day before this I had had to put down 2 of my cats because they were too afraid. I had gotten another cat from Maren and a cat who had been missing for a month had come back too. It was a very dysfunctional night, to say the least. I stayed up until 5am cleaning catpee from my bed, and such. So I made the decision to set the 2 sisters free. This was of course me letting my own fears go, and the session with Ingerid the day after definitely confirmed this.

Before the next session I had moved out to Maren. Her roommate had just moved out and when she asked me it felt very right, so I said yes. It was quite the change to get up at 8-9 in the morning instead of 11-2 that I had been used to. I was absolutely beat in the morning and had to fight with myself to even get out of bed.

Then came the day of the session with Ingerid and John. This day me and Ingerid was sitting outside talking while John made us toast for breakfast. Well, lunch for me but breakfast for them. I was laying my heart on the table for Ingerid about things I was feeling ashamed of. Things that I had discussed with Maren during the week that I felt needed “resolving.” So a lot of my hatred, worry and fear was triggered. I felt numb, as children numb themselves out to not have to deal with the pain that the rejection from their parents bring. I was completely apathetic. I told Ingerid about this and she explained the emotional scale for me, and said that the numbness was right below apathy.. And so I said that it felt like the apathy was within the numbness. She asked me to go back to the numbness, because that was God, so I did.

I felt the numbness. Suddenly it wasn’t just numb. It was warm, gentle, firm, and numb. I sank into it. I embraced it and let it embrace me. I felt the apathy within it, held like a little baby in the loving arms of the mother. I couldn’t feel my where my body began and ended anymore. I was more than my body. I looked at this glass on the table, and suddenly that was all I could see. I close my eyes. I felt huge. I couldn’t feel an end to me, I was just this infinite nothingness.

When I had found words to speak again we went outside, and this feeling of bliss was still with me. It was me! I felt me in everything. I realized everything came from this nothing. This nothing was all there was! Ingerid told me I looked completely changed, and I felt completely changed too. The present moment has become the greatest gift in the world. It is all that is, I AM all that is. I AM life itself.

After this experience all my worries feel like they have gone away. I spent the next 3 days channeling Source. Channeling is such a weird word. What it feels like for me is inviting insights into my life. After the insights have arrived they stick. They change me. They become me, and I them. And they come not from the head, they just arrive in my being.

What a beautiful creation we are living. Our beliefs create what we perceive, and yet we are always embraced, always loved. It is impossible to not be love, because it is our essence.

I now know that my awakening is going to be a book. I want to be more of what I AM, inspire more, love more. Into infinity.

Words from Source:

If you ask for my help, I have already helped you. What you ask for has already been given.

Manifesting love is instant. Giving is receiving.

A heart without conditions gives infinitely, loves infinitely.

You choose your experiences.

Invite me into your life, for I am everything and everyone, including you.

Your thoughts about everything is your thoughts about yourself, for you created all of it.

I AM the absolute truth.

The Sleeper Awakens part 1

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

I haven’t written since february.. Wow, that’s a long time, and with so much that has happened, this is going to be a long one.

I guess I’ll start with what happened right after my last post. I had just realized I was pissed off at myself instead of at Maren for mirroring my own feelings towards myself, but I still feared her like I fear death. This is because what I really fear in her, or what I really experience in her is rejection from my mother. This happens in just about everyone’s life in some form or another, and it is when we first let go of who we are. We take the dramatic incident as ours, we identify with it, and think we are not worthy of love. But love is what we are. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. The rejection was so terrifying for me, and along with my father in the picture, I have also taken a hatred towards women as my own, so that is what I am feeling right now. Hatred, and right below there lies the death of what I am not.

So some time later I started to talk to someone who had randomly added me to some social network I visit once every 3 months or so, and the connection was there right away. She lived in the states, and I was completely mesmerized by her. The feeling of being completely in love only lasted for a week or so, and during that time I realized that we fall in love to heal the wounds of our childhoods. It doesn’t sound very romantic, but not all relationships are meant to be forever. You cannot love another until you realize who you are. Until then, all relationships carry with them what you expect from others. The expectations and belief systems you have about the world is what will be brought to you in the relationships, and that is also what they are there to heal.

I am almost struggling to find the memory of what happens between then and now, because I am now in the present moment, and there is very little room for the worries of the past here. They only serve to shape what you expect of the future.. And thus actually shape your future.

Anyway, for about a month I had a relapse where I numbed myself out, distracted myself from the process, and played an online game that I hadn’t played for 5 years or whatnot. I felt the low energies in the place, and saw the people who had spent up to 50,000 hours online. That’s almost 5 years! I knew in myself I was stalling my growth. I didn’t have much contact with the outside world, and my attempts at being in touch with anyone turned out to be very dramatic at best.. Ingerid, being completely without ego, was the only one I really felt I could talk to, and she rarely – if ever – returned my calls. One night I got a hold of her, though, and she got a message straight from Source to me. Be wary of distractions. It couldn’t have been more clear, so I quit completely and continued to feel like shit all the time.

I decided to start seeing Ingerid as a patient to help heal the pain that I was carrying around, and in the beginning of april she told me that she would be able to have me start at the beginning of june. It felt like forever. 2 months! I knew that I had created this for myself, and that I was going to have to go through it myself.. I knew it all in my head, though, and the feelings that were there was completely different. Hate, impatience, fear, self loathing. The whole range of emotions that I had kept bottling up for all my life was now free to come back to me, and I could certainly feel it all.

At the beginning of may I had finally gotten the money I was supposed to have since november, and since I didn’t get them until may I had it backpayed too. I was very pleased with that, and with that an opportunity to reunite Ingerid with her twin flame arrived. John came, and suddenly there were 2 masters in my presence. My second conversation with John started a release in me that let me feel the peace of the present moment briefly, before it went away later that night to be replaced by the trauma of my past.

After a long wait june finally arrived, and it was time for my first session with Ingerid. When I arrived both Ingerid and John were sitting there. Ingerid had suggested over the phone earlier that we try something new, and so they were both going to do these sessions with me. John pointed out that I was the one who helped bring them together, and now I was the first one that they were going to have sessions – later called satsang – with. He then asked whether or not I thought this was coincidence? Needless to say I didn’t. It was still all in my head though. I had trained myself mentally into thinking what can be known from somewhere completely different. More about that later though. John explained that they saw me as a pioneer for this type of work that was going to be done, a lightworker. He then gave me the book “A Course in Miracles” that he had brought with him from Canada. Although my thoughts and feelings about myself didn’t exactly correspond with what he said, I found resonance in his words from deep within me. Someplace I hadn’t touched in what felt like forever.

Chaos in Motion.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2008 by freedomofnow

Before a great vision can become reality there may be difficulty. Before a person begins a great endeavor, they may encounter chaos. As a new plant breaks the ground with difficulty, foreshadowing the huge tree, so must we sometimes push against difficulty in bringing forth our dreams.

“Out of Chaos, Brilliant Stars are Born”

A lot has happened since my last update. So much, so ground breaking, I’m not sure I’ll be able to put it down in understandable words. In the days coming up to when I was going to my soulmate, I felt a lot of tension build up, and 2 days before I found myself reading a channeled message that said all the lower energies could no longer be fed. They were locked, so to speak, and all that could happen was experiencing their release. Releasing energies is reliving the feeling of the event. Having bottled up my feelings for the past 27 years, I’ve done a lot of releasing lately. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The next day, my boss woke me up by calling me and saying I wouldn’t get any commission that month because of bad results. I felt disappointed, hurt, betrayed.. I had counted on that money to make all my payments and being able to visit my soulmate. Now I had to prioritize. Naturally the choice was made in my favour. Nothing was going to stop me from seeing Maren.

A bit later in the day I spoke to Marens mother, Ingerid, over the phone and she adviced me to read the channeling I’d already been given. The cosmos works in wondrous ways, eh?

So anyway, my friend who I had been living with right after separating called to square up for the last time, and I told him I wasn’t sure how much I was able to give him in addition to a sum we’d agreed was the minimum. He said ok, and suddenly we were cut off. A minute later or so a woman he’d been living with called me from his phone, and I knew what was coming. I speak of her in my awakening post below, but a few lines about her wouldn’t hurt. She’s got ADHD, which is the biggest joke of a disease you can be diagnosed with. She has anger issues, which really roots with her father, and like me she had been in an extremely violent relationship. Only her had lasted for the past 3 years, so one can wonder what she thinks of herself. Anyway, she dished out what a terrible friend I was and how I was responsible for their having to hide for the weekend because they had borrowed money from some bad people. It ended with her threatening to come tear my head off, and though I doubted she would do it, I was very set off by what she said. My heart was pounding, racing with fear.

My ex girlfriend was coming over later to give me a suitcase and some clothes she had since we were living together, and I decided to unload all my frustration in regards to our separation. I felt I was the one who got the short end of the stick, in various aspects. So she came over, and I got the chance to finally tell her how I felt about everything. I also found out that she had been cheating on me for the last 2 months of our relationship.. not that I was surprised, but I was hurt and I told her. In retrospect I realize I held a lot of anger back, but it was a first step.

After she’d gone I just laid on my bed and stared at my roof for.. I don’t know how long.. time just disappeared. I laid there, and felt all my feelings, just felt them come. Suddenly I felt the urge to get out and walk, so I went to the local gas station to get some Snus. All I did was breathe. Long, deep breaths of air.. I felt my mouth curl up more and more into a crying fashion.. Then when I was walking home again I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.. I tried to pick it up but I was 1 second late. It turns out it’s the stepfather of my ex girlfriend. Safe to say, he’s my fear of death manifested in a person, and I only had to look at the phone and see he was he one who called to feel it.

Terrified, I walked the last steps up to my house and walked up to my appartment. When I got to my room, my mother called. I had called her the night before and we had fought for a bit, so I was scared to confront her again. When we spoke this time, though, she was so understanding and comforting I felt my defenses break and I cried.. The kind where you just disappear into the emotions coming out of you.. For about 20 seconds. I thought I was done.. My defenses were up again. I thanked my mother for the talk and we hung up.

The day after I woke up 5 minutes before my alarm clock and rushed so fast down to the bus. I was finally on the way! The trip was filled with a nerve wrecking sensation of anxiety on and off for 14 hours. The last switch, called Oppdal, Ingerid came to pick me up, which was a great relief.

So as to not go into too much detail.. The almost two weeks I was there were, well.. let’s just call it bittersweet. I thought I was “done” and ready to live life happily forever, but it turns out I was intellectually arrogant to the point where it was ugly. So Maren and Ingerid made the process short and effective and didn’t accept anything from my ego, which was very frustrating. I realized this is what ground beef must feel like while it’s being ground.

Fast forwarding a few weeks to the beginning of december I was going to Sweden to visit my parents. I had both looked forward to it and dreaded it at the same time. Mostly because I finally understood how poisonous my parents behaviour really were. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good people, but they’re limited by their belief systems like everybody else. Only difference is I chose them for this life to push me into enlightenment. Going there is like pouring salt into an open wound.

Anyway, I first went home and visited a friend who was getting married. I stayed there for a few days extra, just because I really didn’t feel like going to my parents. It was inevitable, though, and I found myself sitting on the train feeling like utter shit. All the old, bottled up feelings I had neglected to feel for so long came to the surface. I felt myself cry a bit, and suddenly I realized I did not want to visit my parents. I had no reason to visit them at all. Well, except for christmas presents. As I realized this we were just approaching the last stop of the train before Gothenburg, and the train conductor said over the speakers that there had been a faulty explosion on the way, so the train couldn’t make it all the way to the last stop. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the striking connection of what had just happened.

I decided to go anyway, despite the blatantly obvious sign that I shouldn’t. A lot happened during the week I was home. I decided to go to Maren before christmas instead of after, and told my parets and sister.. Which caused mayhem, to say the least. I saw the mental abuse my father is doing to my little brother and snapped completely. I’ve never felt so angry in my entire life.. My entire body was pulsing with rage. I had a fight with my mother because she felt my spiritual behaviour and insights put her in a bad light in front of friends and family. All in all I realized that this is my biological family, but not a loving family that will accept me for who I am.

I also had a pretty vivid dream that I remember from my visit.
I was walking around in a huge city with some people. First we were doing what we always did, it seemed like home in some way.. Then we were planting explosives in various parts of the city, and meeting up with a helicopter. We got into a helicopter and hovered above the city. I saw the explosive devices go off and water flood the city. The buildings fell like cardboard.. In fact, it seemed like it was cardboard. One of the men in the helicopter turned and said “It’s props.”

The flood created a tropical island that we landed on. There was also a cruise boat there that had a lot of really advanced functions. Like trampolines that could take you from deck to deck and a set of screens connected to videocameras around the boat. I put my phone there and went on with setting explosives on the boat too. We did this and set off the timer. At 01:47 time left when I was safe on the island I realized I had forgotten my phone on the boat, so I ran to the boat in hopes of retrieving it and making it back before it blew up. I ran and jumped and ran and tried to bypass the hordes of panicking people.. I made it to the stern of the boat. A big open area. And then I heard the boom of the explosions going off. The boat toppled over completely, and I looked up at the ocean for a brief second before the boat went underwater.

I remember thinking that I had to take a really deep breath, or I wouldn’t make it. So I took the deepest breath I could right in time before going under, and tried to hold it for as long as I possibly could. The currents took me and I saw the surface long above me. After a while I couldn’t hold my breath anymore so I just had to let the old air out and breathe in as deep as I could. To my amazement I could breathe. I took one breath, and then I woke up.

How’s that for symbolism? Everything is an illusion. 🙂

So I went to my soulmate a week after first arriving at my parents, and things turned even more ugly. My ego has been trying to put labels on everything, including my relationship. I’ve been justifying myself through her, as I’ve done with all my relationships, and this is something I have to do alone. I need to find my own light. So now we’re broken up, and I know it’s the right thing. I’ve been getting a lot of signs lately, telling me to embrace all that is, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. It feels like shit right now, but I embrace it. Everything I experience is chosen by my higher self, conspiring in my favor. In love.