Archive for life

A world of Symbols.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2009 by freedomofnow

Soooo! Here it is again. So much has happened, yet as usual the outwardly action is limited, although it feels like it is picking up somehow. It “started” on the 11th november, which is a 11:11:11 portal, when the book “Before I AM” by Mooji arrived. It is such a beautiful read, I pageflip every night before going to bed. It’s definitely not coincidental that that book arrived on that very day. Then last sunday, Mooji was holding an online satsang that I “happened” to be online at the right time to attend. Right before it started Ingerid was visiting to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for her, and as per usual when I am in the same space as her I was in a very good mood.

Then it began. As soon as I saw Mooji with his red shirt on it struck me that I had seen this meeting some days ago, only I interpreted it as a visit to London. When it dawned on me all kinds of emotions started to flood through me. Anxiety, a nervousness, fear, it all came up. It felt like this was it. This was the time for my mind-made “I” to die, and I knew I had to face it. An hour went and I had made a few calls although none had gone through, and I decided that this was it. I called repeatedly until finally I saw the video initializing screen come up. Mooji was still in another call, and how lucky that was because I could not have said anything if I had tried. After a few minutes I heard the host of nevernothere announcing me and I just had to jump into it. I made this into a video and uploaded it to youtube, so without further adue, I give you my first conversation with Mooji.

Monday came and I was feeling a bit restless, like something was off but I had no idea why. I had slept my usual 12 hours and I felt a bit out of sync that day. I knew I wanted to clean the appartment, but I just had no energy whatsoever to do anything. The evening came and eventually sleep settled in. I woke up on tuesday feeling very rested. I was supposed to have been at Ingerids for satsang, but she had sent me a message saying she wasn’t feeling good so it was cancelled. My cell phone is currently not receiving text messages except for immediately when I turn it on, and I had a feeling that it wasn’t a day for satsang, so I checked right away when I woke up to the clock at around noon. It’s wonderful being in a position where I have to set the clock if I want to get up before noon. :p

I had one sensation when I got up: I had to get this appartment cleaned right away! I put my laptop in the kitchen and started playing my youtube playlist of music. It holds just about all kinds of music that I have found resonance in depending on mood. This time it started off with a beautiful tibetan monk chant to set the mood, then it gave me Jason Mraz – All dialed in, a song that always makes me cry, and to top it all off, Portishead – Roads.. So while I was crying my eyes out and cleaning the appartment, I gradually felt more and more energized. Once I was done with cleaning and the long, warm shower, I felt great. I was feeling happy the entire day.

That night I dreamt about Ingerid. We were talking about the connection we had, that’s all I remember. That morning Ingerid woke me up at 1pm and asked me if I wanted to come help her carry some stuff at her house that neither she or John could carry while she cleaned the appartment. I felt a tremendous joy and accepted right away. Ingerid came and picked me up a bit later. On the way over we were talking about Mooji and how it would be such an experience to go to London on one of his Satsangs, and it just burst out of me: I’ll buy all of us a tour to London to see Mooji! As I said it I felt such a spontaneous joy. Ingerid was so grateful she got so flustered with emotion that she almost drove off the road. Once we got to their place we sat down and had a cup of tea while we were talking about – and listening to – my conversation with Mooji. First Ingerid said that the fact that out of all the people listening that I was one of the people who got through to speak to him was a very good pointer to where I am right now, and when Mooji said that I was “in the taste of that” with his loving smile, Ingerid smiled and said that’s the feeling she gets around me aswell. John elaborated on this and said that this was all on my own, not in the company of anyone else, and a major turning point for me. It actually felt like it aswell, although there was no sense of pride, there was only joy and love for myself. Then we proceeded to talk about Love Lines, and John felt inspired to include me in the creation. Because Love Lines is completely guided by spirit, the kind of publisher we want is one that comes from a place of joy, and who is able to let our company work through his equipment. I’ve always been able to “see” what Ingerid suggests in its whole, and when they told me about their World Galleries, I immediately got a feeling of the building and some images. John had already drawn his vision, and when he showed me it was almost as a deja vu for me. It was perfect, complete. Very exciting times indeed.

The day continued. Carpets needed cleaning so I spent hours outside hammering carpets, carrying various things, rearranging a room, only to arrange it back, and then rearrange it back to its original state again. I was clearly “chopping wood and carrying water.” We took some breaks to talk and have a bite of food during the day. During one break we were talking about spirit, which we always do I guess.. And I heard exactly what I was supposed to hear, as I always do.. Ingerid said, “Every answer is a death.” which hit home for me very profoundly. The past days I had been feeling like all the answers my mind give me, are so limiting that I don’t believe them. Even its questions, because they always lead to conclusions beyond the now. Beyond what is at the moment. The day came to an end and they drove me home late that night. I had a bite to eat, a shower and saw “The Kings of Comedy” on Tv before going to bed. That night I slept like a baby. This night I dreamt about both Ingerid and John. We were talking about the connection between us, and it turned out that me and Ingerid had been having the same dreams lately. The next dream I had was so vivid. I saw aliens coming to the planet, and a planet coming very close to ours. Aliens landing and a huge fight between the aliens and us. I was strolling peacefully through it all though.

I woke up the day after feeling totally rested, and in complete joy. 10 minutes after waking up, Ingerid called and asked when they could pick me up, to which I replied right away, though John had to take Maren and her son home first. I went out to the road and waited for them and John stopped to pick me up. I was so happy to see them all, and me and Nathaniel were dancing to the music in the car all the way to Marens’ place. On the way home I explained my dream to John and he said that it was a realigning with my Self. He then proceeded to talk about the symbolism of dreams, that I knew of and that being the reason why I sought his expertise, but this time he also mentioned that the waking state is also a dream, and that everything is symbolic. He had shown me some symbolism in my presence earlier, but when we talked about it this time it felt more significant. He told me it’s all about what catches your attention, and listening to what your intuition tells you. I said that I could definitely use some help interpreting all this in the future, and he said that I should first open myself up to the fact that they are there and seek within myself first.

The day passed and we got the rest of the cleaning done, which was such a relief. Ingerid explained that we clean our appartment when we have taken a step “forward” in vibration.. When the current state around us is of the vibration that we used to hold, it is easy to feel dragged down by your surroundings, which is exactly how I felt. The love we hold for ourselves is reflected around us. Puts cleaning in a whole new light. In the evening Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their child came by and we watched a movie, then they drove me home.

I was conscious just in the moment that the veil of sleep was pulled down, and with the last breath I felt the embrace of the formless. It really is indescribable. I used to have these sensations all the time, but before they would send vibrations of fear throughout my body, and I would shiver in horror. Now it is like the shell of my body is gently melted away to reveal the loving nothingness of my soul flowing out into infinity. I woke up on friday having slept like a baby yet again. It was around 2pm or so. I decided to go and make breakfast right away because I was very hungry. When I was done I reached for a small plate to put them on, and it slipped in my fingers and went for the floor. It hit the floor looking like it would break into 1000 pieces, but what was left was 2 just about identical pieces of porcelain. One had 2 red flowers on it and 2 yellow, the other had one red flower on it and one yellow.

It iimmediately struck me that this was significant for me, so as I grabbed another plate and went into my room I asked for the meaning of this to be shown to me. As I got into the room John immediately logged on, and I asked him what this could mean. He said that I was breaking my fast. Not the normal kind around easter when people don’t eat for 14 days. This was a spiritual fast. I was not “eating of” the manna bread, spiritual truth. The flowers are a confirmation 22:11, a power number. I googled the manna bread and got “11th Heaven Homemaking.” John filled in that that was just a symbol of life, and that I was beginning to nurture myself, loving myself. Metaphors are simple, but we often analyze their meaning away. It is the inner guidance that shows you the truth.

This felt very right for me, and I thanked John for his help and decided to go to town to pick up some money that a friend of mine owed me. She’s quite angry, and she’s owed me this money for quite some time now and I sent her a quite harsh sms the other day to which her anger flared up. So I came to town and met her where she worked and she handed me an envelope with the money and turned her back to me doing some work while we were talking. I thanked her for the money and left to get some food. I grabbed a trolley and got inside the store, and while I was enjoying the sweet taste of a chilled coke, I turned around and suddenly there was Ingerid’s other daughter and her newborn daughter. The daughter is adorable beyond words and her mother is a very loving mother, it was a very pleasant meeting. We talked and walked around the store for some time while we shopped and then we headed for the exit. I was so happy to see them and we both smiled as we parted. I took my shopping bags and headed home, but I felt the need to take a detour down to the walkway by the river. As I was riding my bike along the side of the river, feeling the fresh air and listening to the sound of gushing water around me, I suddenly saw a light shine in the middle of the dark waters. It was still for a few seconds, shining at me, before I realized that it was a very tall light from a far that was reflected. I got home, and hailed John to speak about what had just happened. I told him that some more symbols had appeared, but instead of asking him what they meant I listened to my intuition to see the meaning.

It all felt like it was me turning my back towards my anger and my past, and being greeted by my newborn love for myself, shining my light in the middle of the darkness. John confirmed all of it, and added: the light shines in the darkness and the darkness comprehends it not, which is a biblical quote. I should feel excited, happy, elated that I was getting things right, but it felt so natural.. like part of the flow. There was just acceptance in me, and a sense of being guided completely.

Later that day John was coming to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for them, but as he was driving here Ingerid called and asked me to come help her with one last thing, which I accepted gladly. I was sitting and writing this post as I heard a very unique cat sound that John makes when he tries to communicate with cats, so I thought he was outside saying hello to my cats and decided to go meet him. As I got outside it was raining, and I found shelter between the house where I live and the garage of my landlord. I stood there and suddenly I hear Ramses, one of my cats, squeak and I see him rush towards me. He is so cozy, brushing up against my leg and practically jumping up on me to cuddle. He’s a very loving cat but usually not this extreme. Suddenly he went out in the rain, caught something in his mouth and ran and dropped it at my feet. I bent down to look, and it was the tip of a flower. Such a beautiful love declaration from my Self, to my Self.

John came and I told him what had just happened and how I felt about it, and he confirmed that aswell. Then he told me that symbols are everywhere, because life always throws an abundancy of seeds to make sure of its own survival, so if you’re completely open to this you will be bombarded. We kept talking and I suddenly realized that symbols are a kind of first-row in the flow of life. If you don’t see the symbols then they start to become silent whispers, taps on the shoulders, frying pan in the faces and eventually something terminal. John said that there was another even closer way, which is direct communication with your Self. This is where you receive insights directly through your being. I remember having these experiences too when I first tasted the formless. For 3 days I was “channeling” Source, and all I had to do was wonder about something and the answer came through my being. It is very profound because it sort of opens you up to the knowing of it, instead of seeing it through the head.

We got to their place and realized that we had no dinner, so me and John drove back to town to get some stuff from me and the store. When we came to my place the first thing that hit us was the thick smell of smoke from my neighbour. John asked me who was smoking, and I said that it was my neighbour. I noticed her sitting in the kitchen and her door fully open, the entire appartment reeking of smoke. I said hello to her, and she replied that it was a very awful thing for us to say, commenting on her smoking. I had asked her to keep her door closed before because I have smoked for 12 years and I don’t want to surround myself with it anymore, since smoking really is an inner desire to leave this world. When I confronted her before she snapped completely accusing me of having an agenda and saying that it doesn’t smell like smoke at all. When she snapped I felt anger arise in me, and at the same time I turned away and walked into my room almost instinctively. Me and John talked about this on the way home and feelings of fear and anger came up. I completely allowed them to be there as we drove home.

When we got back to their place I explained everything to Ingerid, including the previous encounter with my neighbour. Ingerid said that this is what I had been doing for so many lives. I deny myself in order to please others. I let others treat me badly, and instead of standing up for myself I turn the anger inwards towards, beating myself up about it. This was the anger that I had been taking with me from my previous lives. She also said that this was something that Shaumbra does because on some level we know it doesn’t matter, but it was time to reclaim our self worth. Suddenly I expanded beyond my body, losing all references of up-down-left-right, and a dizzyness hit me. I felt a huge wave of anger pass through me and vanish, and then came the sorrow. Sorrow that I had not treated myself with the love that is who I truly am. I suddenly realized that the highest purpose for me, the highest love for my Self, is always the highest purpose in any situation. I did not have to allow my neighbour to let the entire appartment reek of old cigarettes.

It is ok to be true to myself regardless of how it made others feel. It is actually the greatest gift you can give.

I can’t be arsed naming this post anything special.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2009 by freedomofnow

Since the small taste of my true nature and the extacy that followed it I have gone into what feels like an extremely heavy depression. All the signs tell me that something major is about to happen, and there’s been 2 eclipses of the moon and one of the sun, and yet I’m left feeling confused, and completely apathetic to what’s happening around me. It’s like the spice of life has no taste anymore. I just don’t care, no matter what happens around me. Even in typing this I feel like I have to force myself to get the words down, and coming this far has taken me about 15 minutes, which never happens once I decide to write something.

So imagine my surprise when I received a book excerpt from Karen Bishop (http://www.emergingearthangels.com/) about the very thing I’m going through. Here’s what it said:

From the book: The Ascension Companion:

“APATHY”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S wrong with me these days. I just don’t
seem to care about much of anything anymore.” “I seem to have
lost all interest in becoming involved with the things that I used
to.” “I don’t care what happens.” If you have had any of these
thoughts or feelings lately, know that they are a regular part of
the ascension process and have a perfect and distinct purpose.
At times, we may feel as though we are going along, “acting” our
way through our daily lives. We are simply not present, as our
lives do not have the meaning that they used to. We don’t seem
to be in alignment with what we had created in the past. And in
addition, becoming exhausted through all the trials and
tribulations that ascension can bring, can make one very
apathetic. We are just too darned tired to become involved with
or care about much of anything. “Let the chips fall where they
may,” becomes our general course of action (or in-action!). “I no
longer have the desire to stay on top of things.”

But apathy has a gold nugget within it. Being apathetic
actually places us in a higher vibrating space. It supports our
continual process of letting go of attachments. When we no
longer care about much of anything, we then become unentwined
with much. We are then left in a space of “no space,”
and this is the space of the higher realms. We are then much
more in the moment. When we do not care about much, we are
not filling our thoughts and emotions with things that are not
really “real.” And we are much more out of the way.

In the higher realms, there are no agendas and plans. With no
attachments, with a good connection to Source, with great trust,
and a knowingness that everything is always in divine right
order, nothing really matters anyway. Being much more
connected to Source on a continual basis, keeps us more even
keel. There aren’t as many ups and downs. And when we realize
that things are really no big deal, as we can create fresh and New
within any given moment, apathy, then, fits right in.

In order to create successfully, we have to have no attachments.
It is always precisely when we no longer care about having
something, that it arrives. And we do not really want to create
from our ego or dis-connect selves anyway. As we progress
through the ascension process, then, and become used to not
having much of anything go our way, or how we had imagined,
we are certainly placed smack in the middle of a higher vibrating
space. These experiences force us to let go. Isn’t it strange that
the areas in our lives that we do not have strong opinions about,
seem to always go along just fine?

I had a web designer who decided that she was going to retire
from all computer work and web design. The trials and
tribulations that her work was bringing were no longer worth it
for her. The minute she let go and gave it all up, she immediately
began to get huge amounts of business, and the new clients were
the kind she has always wanted. It was when she no longer cared
about web design, as she was really burned out, that her business
really took off. (She still quit anyway!)

When things don’t go our way, many times it is because we are
not coming from our “connected” self. We may be coming from a
desperate or analytical self that is trying to solve a problem is a
way that we feel is possible… even if we aren’t even particularly
wild about our own idea. If we were to look back, we would
usually find that we were glad this or that had never happened.
Being in a state of apathy, caused by never seeming to get what
we want, among other things, puts us in that space of neutrality
where we can create just about anything. When we realize that
nothing really matters much, as what we thought mattered was
coming from our dis-connect selves, it is then that we are
successfully reaching the higher realms. Being happy where we
truly are, always brings the next step of creation to our doorstep.

When we have to have things a certain way, we basically place a
choke hold on energy. It is when we can be contented by simply
being, that all our needs are met. Passion is a seeming
contradiction to this scenario, as passion is a very strong
connection, because we know that what we are passionate about
is in perfect alignment in every way with our higher selves. So
there is a distinct difference in regard to passion. We usually
experience apathy when we are releasing desires that arise from
our dis-connect self. We didn’t need them anyway.

If you have chosen this page, you are being encouraged to honor
your state of apathy, and to realize that apathy is a condition of
the higher realms. It is an indication that you are vibrating
higher and becoming a higher level being. Feeling apathetic is
simply great training for a higher level way of being.
Congratulations, as you are learning the non-attached state of
neutrality.”

The Sleeper Awakens part 2

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

The first session consisted mostly of talk about this, and how the process is as long as we choose it. We can choose to be free right now, a concept that seemed unbelievable to me at the time. We also dug into some feelings and let me confront my father, which felt like a huge blessing. I was so light when I came home, and this time it didn’t go away until the day after. Again, I blamed myself for going back into the drama.

The second session would prove to be exponentially more efficient. We were talking about the “process” and how it can be as short as we want, and whether or not I was ready to let everything go. I didn’t feel very ready, but I said yes anyway. My ego said yes. My head wanted to know. I was talking about a dream I had had when Ingerid stopped me and said I had an entity that was feeding on my energies. I felt a wave of horror creep through me, as if I had been discovered stealing from he cookie jar when I was little. I realized that this was the entity conveying emotions to me. The cord that connected us was the width of a wrist. When the usual size of these cords are threads, the influence it had on me gets pretty clear. All my negative emotions had seemed so incredibly dominant. John said that with a cord that thick it had most likely been with me for several lifetimes. Ingerid said we had to join our efforts to ask it to leave, so she sat next to John and we all closed our eyes. I pictured myself with this huge wirecutter cutting the cord, and after a while Ingerid said “It is done. How do you feel?”

I felt incredibly weird. Lightheaded, dizzy, almost like falling mid-air. I explained it to her and she said it was the entity and its energies leaving my body. I started to feel light. A sense of bliss came over me, and it was as if a waterfall of light poured into my head. I felt like I was about to burst with happiness, and yet I was very calm and relaxed. I went out to listen to the sound of a waterfall nearby.. Smell the flowers. Just relax.

What happened in the following sessions is kind of blurry, but the second to last session at the time of writing was a very powerful one. The session before I had gotten a lot of anger towards my father triggered, and that left me feeling utterly hopeless. That was how my father made me feel when I was little, but again the rage covered it. So Ingerid and John were talking yet again about the process and how we can choose any moment to wake up. Then Ingerid found a video of Mooji on youtube with a woman that was very much the same as me.

I have always tried to get a quick fix for everything, but Mooji also speaks about a stepless awakening. That one step is already one step too much.

Watching the last video I realized that the quick fix I had been trying to get outside of myself was useless. The quick fix was what I already was, and the thought of letting go is already one thought too much. So I felt complete acceptance in me. Complete surrender, and with it a cold feeling in my stomach wallowing up, the fear being released effortlessly. At the same time I felt this blissful feeling come over me. I looked at Ingerid and said, do you see this? And she just nodded with a loving smile. I sat still and just felt it. I felt light, joyful, free! I was free!

The day before this I had had to put down 2 of my cats because they were too afraid. I had gotten another cat from Maren and a cat who had been missing for a month had come back too. It was a very dysfunctional night, to say the least. I stayed up until 5am cleaning catpee from my bed, and such. So I made the decision to set the 2 sisters free. This was of course me letting my own fears go, and the session with Ingerid the day after definitely confirmed this.

Before the next session I had moved out to Maren. Her roommate had just moved out and when she asked me it felt very right, so I said yes. It was quite the change to get up at 8-9 in the morning instead of 11-2 that I had been used to. I was absolutely beat in the morning and had to fight with myself to even get out of bed.

Then came the day of the session with Ingerid and John. This day me and Ingerid was sitting outside talking while John made us toast for breakfast. Well, lunch for me but breakfast for them. I was laying my heart on the table for Ingerid about things I was feeling ashamed of. Things that I had discussed with Maren during the week that I felt needed “resolving.” So a lot of my hatred, worry and fear was triggered. I felt numb, as children numb themselves out to not have to deal with the pain that the rejection from their parents bring. I was completely apathetic. I told Ingerid about this and she explained the emotional scale for me, and said that the numbness was right below apathy.. And so I said that it felt like the apathy was within the numbness. She asked me to go back to the numbness, because that was God, so I did.

I felt the numbness. Suddenly it wasn’t just numb. It was warm, gentle, firm, and numb. I sank into it. I embraced it and let it embrace me. I felt the apathy within it, held like a little baby in the loving arms of the mother. I couldn’t feel my where my body began and ended anymore. I was more than my body. I looked at this glass on the table, and suddenly that was all I could see. I close my eyes. I felt huge. I couldn’t feel an end to me, I was just this infinite nothingness.

When I had found words to speak again we went outside, and this feeling of bliss was still with me. It was me! I felt me in everything. I realized everything came from this nothing. This nothing was all there was! Ingerid told me I looked completely changed, and I felt completely changed too. The present moment has become the greatest gift in the world. It is all that is, I AM all that is. I AM life itself.

After this experience all my worries feel like they have gone away. I spent the next 3 days channeling Source. Channeling is such a weird word. What it feels like for me is inviting insights into my life. After the insights have arrived they stick. They change me. They become me, and I them. And they come not from the head, they just arrive in my being.

What a beautiful creation we are living. Our beliefs create what we perceive, and yet we are always embraced, always loved. It is impossible to not be love, because it is our essence.

I now know that my awakening is going to be a book. I want to be more of what I AM, inspire more, love more. Into infinity.

Words from Source:

If you ask for my help, I have already helped you. What you ask for has already been given.

Manifesting love is instant. Giving is receiving.

A heart without conditions gives infinitely, loves infinitely.

You choose your experiences.

Invite me into your life, for I am everything and everyone, including you.

Your thoughts about everything is your thoughts about yourself, for you created all of it.

I AM the absolute truth.