Archive for let go

Achieving Enlightenment?

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , on November 24, 2009 by freedomofnow

And so monday the 23rd November 2009 came. Me and Ingerid and John had agreed on this day for our satsang so that we could combine it with listening in to Mooji over the internet.

Let me back up a bit first though. That night I had a dream where I was in the crossfire of guns, moving up to a really tall tower where people sat at computers and modified your existence. They provided me with all the money I could ever want, took a look at me and said “You need more mana.” They pressed a button and the blue mana bar went to the top. I told Ingerid and John about this and they interpreted it as me still trying to “fix” things, making an effort to acquire wisdom. Keeping things simple was the theme of the day. John had also received an email from the father of a mongoloid friend he spent a lot of time with when he was in his stage of releasing all that he had built up. He had an older friend that had just died, and his father wanted to know how he was going to tell his son that his best friend had died. The reply that John sent moved me to tears. He said that he was simply there to show this old man the unconditional love that he is, and that his purpose done, this task was over. I had tears in my eyes when I came to the end. We talked about so-called retarded people and how they are really sitting behind their own shoulders watching the world through eyes of unconditional love that few people see. They are living examples of how profoundly beautiful simplicity is.

I finally received my paycheck around 4 o’clock that day so we went down to the store to buy some food for the evening, and a 777 stared at me. I asked John what it meant, and he said it definitely was a validation of the dream. 777 is a 3, the holy trinity. At the store we saw not one, but a total of 3 retarded men.. I was definitely being told to keep it simple. We bought some food, candy and then went home. We had a delicious salad and some ravioli while we waited for Mooji to come online at 6pm, and eventually he did. I had the same feeling in my stomach as the last time I was going to talk to him. The provider seemed to have some problems and the first 20 minutes were very broken up, but eventually people got through to ask questions, and we decided to call in. We got through after very little time, but something was wrong so we had to call again. While we tried to set up another laptop for the conversation, the entire audio feed just went dead. We joked about saying between the 3 of us and Mooji we brought too much light for the channel to handle. Either way, no Mooji on that day. We sat and talked and Ingerid decided she needed some more housework done so we turned the satsang into a regular visit and I helped her with whatever she needed.

I felt increasingly curious about why I had shown myself the number 3 so many times that day, and John said that I am devoted to my ascension. It is the main focus in my life right now. However, the focus of wanting ascension is the very thing that pushes it away, because it very much involves effort. Therefore, the words that Ingerid told me when I first started talking to her “I AM, I AM THAT I AM, I KNOW” is what closes the gap of separation and lets you sink into the depths of your Self. I AM THAT I AM actually showerd itself to me earlier that evening through a part of the documentary called the Moses Code. I realized that I was indeed striving for ascension, and said “Ok, so I have to give up the search for ascension?” They both nodded, and Ingerid said “You are already enlightened.” I said ok, and let go of the striving. It seems letting go of things gets easier the more you do it, because I have seen the Absolute Truth, and it is an experience nothing in this world can be compared to. As Mooji says in one of his videos: “You are trading eternity for a peanut.” Everything the mind can hold on to is the peanut. Some minutes later an overwhelming sense of panic struck me. It felt like I was disappearing, my legs were shaky, and an increasing stream of thoughts passed by me. I was calm at the same time as the panic was going on, but that didn’t make it feel less of what it was. I was just aware of it in a different way. The panic kept on throughout the evening. We watched a movie and suddenly it was 2am and time to go home.

That night I am sure I cried 1 hour of “real” time during the night. I had several dreams, but one seemed more significant than the others. I was being chased down by 2 of my childhood friends, they kept jumping on me and hurting me and I couldn’t do anything about it. Suddenly we had magic cards in our hands, and they still kept hurting me. I tried to hurt them back and finally I managed to hurt them enough that they would leave me alone. When they did I started crying. I cried and cried and cried. It was like a bottomless well of tears. After what seemed like several hours I stopped crying. I looked at the magic card I had and it turned out to be incredibly powerful. Suddenly we all became our cards. I became this spider-monkey thing. I tried to tell them about the card, and when I did my voice sounded very weird. Frail somehow. I said “It has 8.. no 6 legs, and 6 arms.” The spider-monkey thing started fighting this vampire demon that was one of my friends, and it was a lot more powerful.

After this I woke up, that same sense of crying and panic still in me. I got up, fed the cats, had some water and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up I felt completely rested. The bed was warm and fuzzy, inviting me to stay there for the entire day. I lie in bed for about an hour, just breathing, before I realized that I had some stuff to do in town. I got my mail, and it was a letter from my old bank. They let me know that I was finished paying down the loan I had taken 2 years earlier. I broke into a huge smile as the symbolism dawned on me. Leaving old energies behind. It certainly felt that way. I felt this immense calm, and within that calm rested the feeling of panic still. Calm and panicky at the same time, who knew?

After that I went to get a wireless networking card for Ingerid’s computer, and the guy gave me a 30% discount. Then I went to buy catfood, and they gave me a 10% discount. After that I decided to buy breakfast, and even there I got 10% discount. Some old beliefs about money have definitely been released in the past few days. I felt incredibly light, like I was just flowing through my surroundings as they appeared in my reality. Something has definitely shifted, and I am ready. Ready to let go of everything. Ready to be completely empty.

Back to Source.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2009 by freedomofnow

Love is the essence of who we are.

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything. After my profound, wordless experience with the infinite I had a couple of days of complete freedom, and then hit the deepest sense of hopeless emptiness that I have ever felt. I had never felt it before that time, and it struck me like a frying pan to the face with its sense of despair. Everything became an effort, even getting out of bed. The world was grey, tasteless. I found some comfort in teachings of Mooji, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, etc. Some moments of stillness where I felt myself expanding, but this feeling held me back. I could not get past it, and I did not know why. I would go into the feeling and poke at it with my attention, accept it, ask for help releasing it.. It even affected Maren – who I was living with – and her child. He would go into these screaming fits and after he had released what he had in him he would point at me and tell Maren I was very angry. It was true, I was extremely angry. The world owed me for all the things it had put me through, and for what I was feeling at the moment.

And then in the beginning of september it was time for a session with Ingerid and John. I came there and my expectations of a similar experience from last time were quickly let down by the pace of things.. It was a day of observing, but within me I screamed for validation. I was justified in my sense of hopelessness. I left there that night with a reality check, and the next day I realized that I had chosen to believe in the drama, in the feelings of hopeless desperation.. The days passed and turned into weeks, and I still felt trapped. I was told to let go, to give up, and all the signs pointed towards death and rebirth. Maren connected with her twin flame, and I painfully realized I had not given up on the two of us at all. In addition to everything else I was feeling there was a deep sense of abandonment aswell. Then late september I realized I had to move out, so I went looking for an appartment.. About an hour later Maren called to tell me the same thing, so we had an agreement. I found this cozy small ground-level appartment with a big window facing a forest and the mountains. Maren gave me the last cat of the batch that she was originally going to keep, so now I had 3 loving cats with me.. I was surrounded by love, but I didn’t feel it.

I moved in the 1st october. I had realized that there was no point resisting what would come anymore, that clinging on to my ego and its ideas only brought me pain and suffering. By then I had come to the point where I said “I give up,” and “I surrender” several times daily, and also several times per hour I would pray to be free because the pain felt overwhelming.

Last wednesday I gave Ingerid a call, I don’t remember why, but she had just come out of a major channeling and wave of new energy, so when she picked up she said that I obviously was supposed to take part in that too. We talked for about 30 minutes, and then we hung up. Almost immediately I heard this rumbling outside, so I looked out, and right outside my window an avalanche roared down the mountain. A quite striking symbol of things falling.

Then this tuesday it was finally time for a session with Ingerid and John again, and I had a feeling of something growing.. A sensation of something big about to happen. On the morning before I left for Ingerid’s place I prayed that this be the day I would “get it.” I felt quite calm in my chaos, like someone had put a muffler between me and it. I met Ingerid in town and we bought breakfast before we went to her place to start the session.

Once we got there I told her about a dream I had had where I was holding a speech about Atlantis, and we talked about previous lives. I mentioned I had an affiinity for china and martial arts, and her eyes went wide as she said “You’ve been a samurai!” And she started getting messages and images from my previous lives.

I was the brother of the emperor a long time ago in china, but because I was too naive and soft I was not chosen for the role of emperor, so I became a samurai. Not for the purpose of war, but as a bodyguard to the emperor. There was a garden that I loved, and I would train for hours every day in it. Also on the smooth polished stone stairs to the emperor there was a patio(?) with a magnificent view where I would train. Then I was deceived and everything got taken from me, but because I was so naive I did not understand what was happening until it was too late. My brother had deceived me – and when Ingerid said this John immediately got a vision of my brother in that life being my father in this one. The sorrow I felt was so deep that I didn’t even try to fight to keep it, I just left everything behind and walked away from it all.

Straight from that life to Russia. I was a man in a power position. I had everything, but I didn’t care. I lived a life of vodka, and used women. Not in a cruel way, but just because I didn’t care. The emptiness I felt was so great. Ingerid also got a vision of that being the life where I started searching. Like being in a deep forest and searching for the rays of sun breaking the crowns of the trees. Then her eyes went wide again, and she explained “Do you know how you died in that life?!” It turned out I wanted out so bad that I had paid someone to take my life, but because I was afraid of dying I wanted them to do it when I least expected it. I had taken these energies with me past death, and that was what I had been feeling of late. I actually felt a sense of pride of the way that I chose to go the last time. If you’re going to go, might aswell go with a bang, eh?

After that life I had been on another planet. I asked Ingerid if that’s why I had an affinity to Mars, and she got shivers as I did.. John explained that sometimes when the pain is too deep we go to some interdimensional place to create a buffer for that kind of feelings until we are ready to face them.. And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was why I hadn’t felt. I had chosen not to feel until I was ready to take on the pain of my past lives. What Ingerid told me rang so true, and it correlated so much with experiences and feelings I had had throughout my entire life. I recognized the dreadful anticipation and fear of my life in russia, the enormous sense of loss and abandonment from my life in china, and suddenly I felt a sense of peace deep in my stomach. Ingerid was told that I had had enough for that time, and we called it a day. They drove me to town because they had some grocery shopping to do. As we walked into the store I felt very wobbly in my knees, and suddenly it hit me.. “I am in Source.” I looked at Ingerid and she just smiled knowingly and said that she could tell. When I rode my bike home things had taken on a new sparkle. There was a new sense of depth to everything I saw.

That night I dreamt that I was chasing a girl through a labyrinth for a very long time, and when I finally caught up to her, nothing was as it seemed. I woke up feeling very refreshed around noon the day after, looked at my phone, and it seemed that my ex had called me. My dark night of the soul-ex. I rang her up and it immediately struck me that this was some sort of full circle closure. I felt only gratitude for what we had experienced together, and the same deep sense of peace was still with me from yesterday.

After we spoke I decided to get up and make breakfast. Even though I felt peaceful I had a sense of distress in me. I decided to go for a bike ride. I didn’t know exactly why, but I felt compelled to ride a route I hadn’t taken before. The road led me up a mountain pass. The wind was against me and it was slightly uphill, but I felt that I had to go.. Besides, the trip back was going to be very smooth I told myself. After an hour and a half I made it to the end of the road and a mail-truck drove past me to the last house on the road. I asked the mail-woman if the road continued ahead and she told me it did stopped just up the hill, so I decided to keep going. The last part of the road was a 2 kilometer rise at about 20-30 degree angle. It was so bad I had to stop about 50 meters before making it all the way. I looked back and saw the landscape stretch down all the way to the sea past the harbour of the city, it was very beautiful so I took some pictures, and then I decided to push my bike the rest of the way up the road. The vision that met me when I finally reached the top made me realize why I had taken the trip. I stood on huge rocks covered with soft moss, looking at mountains on the right, snow clad mountains on the left and a forest in autumn colors framing in a large, placid mountain lake. At that moment I felt love surround me, embrace me. It was so overwhelming that I cried. Tears of happiness running down my face. It was just so beautiful. I had never cried because of happiness before. Crying used to be reserved for “weak” people, but this time I let it all come.

I sat there, looking out on the beautiful landscape for about an hour before I decided to head back. I felt so light, like all the worries of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Every single cell in my body was – and still is – vibrating with a sense of peace, joy, love and freedom like I never knew was possible. A deep sense of love, love for myself, for the first time that I can remember. I finally realize what all the teachings mean when they say “Stay as the observer.” Now whenever some feeling come, regardless of what it is, I just rest with my love for myself, and it flows through me by itself.

I AM that I AM.