Archive for infinite

I AM what I AM.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past days have been filled with messages, and I’ll get to that, I just had to get this down right away. I just read through some blogs that I’ve been following, including Patrice Julien’s blog. I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said: I AM WHAT I AM. This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids’ place. Also the past days have been filled with similar signs, as I’ll describe in detail. Anyway, I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that “I AM” speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen, and he ends with quoting the song “I AM WHAT I AM” by Gloria Gaynor. While I’m reading this I am watching the tv series “Two and a half men” which I find very funny, as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan.. And in the end, guess what? Berta’s sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans’ mother, singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor! I was struck speechless.

Okay so let me back up a few days. To the 25th to be more exact. I had another movie marathon of dreams. I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video. It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji, and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then. So that night one of the “scenes” were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit. I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it, but the chance never arose. The meaning is pretty clear though. Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food, and since I couldn’t be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley. I had the key-ring-coin-lookalike-key ready, but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose. It was free from its chains, unattached. Free. I asked to be shown the meaning of this, but I already knew the answer. It was very obvious.

The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful. I remembered having a dream, and the feeling of that dream lingered. It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt, so I asked to be shown the dream I had had. I usually do this if there’s any details of dreams that I’m uncertain of, and they usually “pop up” almost immediately. This time, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just that sense of despair, fear, horror and sorrow. A little bundle of love. I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4-5 hours, waking up at around 3pm. I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before, and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked, so I went in and got my bike. As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete, and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day. I put it back and went to the store, and encountered the same free roaming trolley again. I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping, and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK. 144 being the number of completion, I couldn’t help but laugh. I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter, and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries.

When I got home and checked my computer John was online, so I asked him about the symbols, and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant. John verified this.

Friday came, and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit, when the “I AM what I AM” was very obvious. No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after “I AM what I AM” either. Anyway, they were talking about their day, and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through. We also talked about just how profound the new energy is. Before when beings ascended, their bodies would “leave” this earthly existence as the being ascended, but now we can do what they did while still being in this body. That is why so many so-called masters are coming back to experience these times with us. I explained that I had had some dreams about sex the past nights, and John said that was a good sign. I carry some dark sexual energies with me still that apparently seem to start to come up finally. Then Ingerid asked me if I could do some stuff for her blog. Suddenly this feeling of.. something.. welled up in me, and my knees felt wobbly. Not in the fuzzy peaceful way this time. It felt dark, controlling, angry and panicked. Right after Ingerid got a sign that she was protected, held safe to make sure that what was going to come would make it all the way. After a while they were leaving, and I felt I needed to get out for a bit so I walked them to their car. I still had no idea what this feeling was telling me, but it still felt very intense. I was obvioulsy supposed to get whatever they brought that night, so I let it be and went to bed. I had a sex dream that night again, so it definitely feels like something is moving.

The next day, saturday, I asked Ingerid how they were doing, and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day. I was still feeling panicky frightened. I felt this uncertainty, like I didn’t know what was going to happen. It felt like I was completely letting go of control.. And there it was! It was so clear! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control. I embraced the uncertainty, and suddenly a wave of relief came over me. It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future. This was what I experienced yesterday aswell. Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth. Freedom is complete surrender, the sacred emptiness.. That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control. But not so much so that we don’t want to surrender. This was exactly how I felt. I rested in the moment, fell deeper and deeper into it. It was so liberating, with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful.

Changes feel very much exponential. The more we free ourselves, the more darkness can be “shook up” by the light that comes through the next time.. Why worry about what might be, when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? 🙂

Awake in the Dream

Posted in Insights, My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2009 by freedomofnow

These past weeks have definitely turned out to be filled with some very strong symbolism. Everything in this existence is symbolic, but these times it’s like it’s been screaming at me. Almost 2 weeks ago I had a dream where I was back in my old city, and I met a young man and an old kind woman who I were both friends with. I was sitting down and talking to the man, and all of a sudden I noticed a loose scrap of skin on the side of my left foot. I reached down to peel it off and with a little effort it came loose. Then, like when you burn your skin in the sun, more and more just kept coming loose, up to the top of the foot. I suddenly saw that the skin that was coming off was really dark, almost black, while the skin underneath was almost completely white and smooth like babyskin. I looked up at my friend surprised and exclaimed, “I’m shedding skin!” He looked very happy for my sake, and I just kept pulling. More and more skin came off, pieces as big as a grocery shopping bag, more and more effortlessly as more and more skin came off.

The symbolism here was so clear I couldn’t miss it if it hit me in the face. What I perceived as dark in me is “shedding” or transforming into light.

The nights leading up to now has been either completely dreamless or a nightmarish mix of a mish-mash of different dreams seemingly unconnected. I’ve woken up with a sense of fear, horror and despair that has quickly dissipated. What’s very new is that so-called negative feelings don’t affect me anymore. I AM so much bigger, and my being seems unmoved by whatever feelings arise. There’s a sort of distance to everything. Like I can choose if it will affect me or not. I can choose to participate in the drama around me. Not that I do it, but the times it has happened I have felt just how dense they are. It’s like pulling a curtain over my perception, and taking in the various feelings associated with it.

I also realized that when this happened before, and things that needed releasing came up I was asking for it to be released from a sense of not wanting it. Like it was a bad thing. No wonder the resistance kept growing, I was actually feeding it. Now I just rest in my sense of Self, in a place of detachment, and things seem to move through me in its own time. It’s impossible to force the flow of life, and every experience is a blessing. Feelings are just feelings, no matter how they feel, and it’s pointless to resist them. They are there to show us something. They arise when we hit the wall of the limitations we have set up around ourselves. As we are really one infinite being, everything that puts a lid on infinity is something that we will eventually meet in our experience so that it may be released. No matter what feelings come, there’s a sense of wholeness, completeness. A trusting that everything is just perfect as it is, and with it an acceptance of each moment. I’m not looking to escape anymore, and it seems to bring with it a lot of smaller pains that pop up and go away constantly. If this is how much I have been feeling and sensing since I was born into this life it is no wonder I needed a cushion until now.

The snowball has definitely turned into an avalanche, and I have never felt so calm and at peace before, like I AM resting in the eye of the storm. I don’t have to seek anything anymore. I AM that which I have sought.

Back to Source.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2009 by freedomofnow

Love is the essence of who we are.

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything. After my profound, wordless experience with the infinite I had a couple of days of complete freedom, and then hit the deepest sense of hopeless emptiness that I have ever felt. I had never felt it before that time, and it struck me like a frying pan to the face with its sense of despair. Everything became an effort, even getting out of bed. The world was grey, tasteless. I found some comfort in teachings of Mooji, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, etc. Some moments of stillness where I felt myself expanding, but this feeling held me back. I could not get past it, and I did not know why. I would go into the feeling and poke at it with my attention, accept it, ask for help releasing it.. It even affected Maren – who I was living with – and her child. He would go into these screaming fits and after he had released what he had in him he would point at me and tell Maren I was very angry. It was true, I was extremely angry. The world owed me for all the things it had put me through, and for what I was feeling at the moment.

And then in the beginning of september it was time for a session with Ingerid and John. I came there and my expectations of a similar experience from last time were quickly let down by the pace of things.. It was a day of observing, but within me I screamed for validation. I was justified in my sense of hopelessness. I left there that night with a reality check, and the next day I realized that I had chosen to believe in the drama, in the feelings of hopeless desperation.. The days passed and turned into weeks, and I still felt trapped. I was told to let go, to give up, and all the signs pointed towards death and rebirth. Maren connected with her twin flame, and I painfully realized I had not given up on the two of us at all. In addition to everything else I was feeling there was a deep sense of abandonment aswell. Then late september I realized I had to move out, so I went looking for an appartment.. About an hour later Maren called to tell me the same thing, so we had an agreement. I found this cozy small ground-level appartment with a big window facing a forest and the mountains. Maren gave me the last cat of the batch that she was originally going to keep, so now I had 3 loving cats with me.. I was surrounded by love, but I didn’t feel it.

I moved in the 1st october. I had realized that there was no point resisting what would come anymore, that clinging on to my ego and its ideas only brought me pain and suffering. By then I had come to the point where I said “I give up,” and “I surrender” several times daily, and also several times per hour I would pray to be free because the pain felt overwhelming.

Last wednesday I gave Ingerid a call, I don’t remember why, but she had just come out of a major channeling and wave of new energy, so when she picked up she said that I obviously was supposed to take part in that too. We talked for about 30 minutes, and then we hung up. Almost immediately I heard this rumbling outside, so I looked out, and right outside my window an avalanche roared down the mountain. A quite striking symbol of things falling.

Then this tuesday it was finally time for a session with Ingerid and John again, and I had a feeling of something growing.. A sensation of something big about to happen. On the morning before I left for Ingerid’s place I prayed that this be the day I would “get it.” I felt quite calm in my chaos, like someone had put a muffler between me and it. I met Ingerid in town and we bought breakfast before we went to her place to start the session.

Once we got there I told her about a dream I had had where I was holding a speech about Atlantis, and we talked about previous lives. I mentioned I had an affiinity for china and martial arts, and her eyes went wide as she said “You’ve been a samurai!” And she started getting messages and images from my previous lives.

I was the brother of the emperor a long time ago in china, but because I was too naive and soft I was not chosen for the role of emperor, so I became a samurai. Not for the purpose of war, but as a bodyguard to the emperor. There was a garden that I loved, and I would train for hours every day in it. Also on the smooth polished stone stairs to the emperor there was a patio(?) with a magnificent view where I would train. Then I was deceived and everything got taken from me, but because I was so naive I did not understand what was happening until it was too late. My brother had deceived me – and when Ingerid said this John immediately got a vision of my brother in that life being my father in this one. The sorrow I felt was so deep that I didn’t even try to fight to keep it, I just left everything behind and walked away from it all.

Straight from that life to Russia. I was a man in a power position. I had everything, but I didn’t care. I lived a life of vodka, and used women. Not in a cruel way, but just because I didn’t care. The emptiness I felt was so great. Ingerid also got a vision of that being the life where I started searching. Like being in a deep forest and searching for the rays of sun breaking the crowns of the trees. Then her eyes went wide again, and she explained “Do you know how you died in that life?!” It turned out I wanted out so bad that I had paid someone to take my life, but because I was afraid of dying I wanted them to do it when I least expected it. I had taken these energies with me past death, and that was what I had been feeling of late. I actually felt a sense of pride of the way that I chose to go the last time. If you’re going to go, might aswell go with a bang, eh?

After that life I had been on another planet. I asked Ingerid if that’s why I had an affinity to Mars, and she got shivers as I did.. John explained that sometimes when the pain is too deep we go to some interdimensional place to create a buffer for that kind of feelings until we are ready to face them.. And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was why I hadn’t felt. I had chosen not to feel until I was ready to take on the pain of my past lives. What Ingerid told me rang so true, and it correlated so much with experiences and feelings I had had throughout my entire life. I recognized the dreadful anticipation and fear of my life in russia, the enormous sense of loss and abandonment from my life in china, and suddenly I felt a sense of peace deep in my stomach. Ingerid was told that I had had enough for that time, and we called it a day. They drove me to town because they had some grocery shopping to do. As we walked into the store I felt very wobbly in my knees, and suddenly it hit me.. “I am in Source.” I looked at Ingerid and she just smiled knowingly and said that she could tell. When I rode my bike home things had taken on a new sparkle. There was a new sense of depth to everything I saw.

That night I dreamt that I was chasing a girl through a labyrinth for a very long time, and when I finally caught up to her, nothing was as it seemed. I woke up feeling very refreshed around noon the day after, looked at my phone, and it seemed that my ex had called me. My dark night of the soul-ex. I rang her up and it immediately struck me that this was some sort of full circle closure. I felt only gratitude for what we had experienced together, and the same deep sense of peace was still with me from yesterday.

After we spoke I decided to get up and make breakfast. Even though I felt peaceful I had a sense of distress in me. I decided to go for a bike ride. I didn’t know exactly why, but I felt compelled to ride a route I hadn’t taken before. The road led me up a mountain pass. The wind was against me and it was slightly uphill, but I felt that I had to go.. Besides, the trip back was going to be very smooth I told myself. After an hour and a half I made it to the end of the road and a mail-truck drove past me to the last house on the road. I asked the mail-woman if the road continued ahead and she told me it did stopped just up the hill, so I decided to keep going. The last part of the road was a 2 kilometer rise at about 20-30 degree angle. It was so bad I had to stop about 50 meters before making it all the way. I looked back and saw the landscape stretch down all the way to the sea past the harbour of the city, it was very beautiful so I took some pictures, and then I decided to push my bike the rest of the way up the road. The vision that met me when I finally reached the top made me realize why I had taken the trip. I stood on huge rocks covered with soft moss, looking at mountains on the right, snow clad mountains on the left and a forest in autumn colors framing in a large, placid mountain lake. At that moment I felt love surround me, embrace me. It was so overwhelming that I cried. Tears of happiness running down my face. It was just so beautiful. I had never cried because of happiness before. Crying used to be reserved for “weak” people, but this time I let it all come.

I sat there, looking out on the beautiful landscape for about an hour before I decided to head back. I felt so light, like all the worries of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Every single cell in my body was – and still is – vibrating with a sense of peace, joy, love and freedom like I never knew was possible. A deep sense of love, love for myself, for the first time that I can remember. I finally realize what all the teachings mean when they say “Stay as the observer.” Now whenever some feeling come, regardless of what it is, I just rest with my love for myself, and it flows through me by itself.

I AM that I AM.

The Sleeper Awakens part 2

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

The first session consisted mostly of talk about this, and how the process is as long as we choose it. We can choose to be free right now, a concept that seemed unbelievable to me at the time. We also dug into some feelings and let me confront my father, which felt like a huge blessing. I was so light when I came home, and this time it didn’t go away until the day after. Again, I blamed myself for going back into the drama.

The second session would prove to be exponentially more efficient. We were talking about the “process” and how it can be as short as we want, and whether or not I was ready to let everything go. I didn’t feel very ready, but I said yes anyway. My ego said yes. My head wanted to know. I was talking about a dream I had had when Ingerid stopped me and said I had an entity that was feeding on my energies. I felt a wave of horror creep through me, as if I had been discovered stealing from he cookie jar when I was little. I realized that this was the entity conveying emotions to me. The cord that connected us was the width of a wrist. When the usual size of these cords are threads, the influence it had on me gets pretty clear. All my negative emotions had seemed so incredibly dominant. John said that with a cord that thick it had most likely been with me for several lifetimes. Ingerid said we had to join our efforts to ask it to leave, so she sat next to John and we all closed our eyes. I pictured myself with this huge wirecutter cutting the cord, and after a while Ingerid said “It is done. How do you feel?”

I felt incredibly weird. Lightheaded, dizzy, almost like falling mid-air. I explained it to her and she said it was the entity and its energies leaving my body. I started to feel light. A sense of bliss came over me, and it was as if a waterfall of light poured into my head. I felt like I was about to burst with happiness, and yet I was very calm and relaxed. I went out to listen to the sound of a waterfall nearby.. Smell the flowers. Just relax.

What happened in the following sessions is kind of blurry, but the second to last session at the time of writing was a very powerful one. The session before I had gotten a lot of anger towards my father triggered, and that left me feeling utterly hopeless. That was how my father made me feel when I was little, but again the rage covered it. So Ingerid and John were talking yet again about the process and how we can choose any moment to wake up. Then Ingerid found a video of Mooji on youtube with a woman that was very much the same as me.

I have always tried to get a quick fix for everything, but Mooji also speaks about a stepless awakening. That one step is already one step too much.

Watching the last video I realized that the quick fix I had been trying to get outside of myself was useless. The quick fix was what I already was, and the thought of letting go is already one thought too much. So I felt complete acceptance in me. Complete surrender, and with it a cold feeling in my stomach wallowing up, the fear being released effortlessly. At the same time I felt this blissful feeling come over me. I looked at Ingerid and said, do you see this? And she just nodded with a loving smile. I sat still and just felt it. I felt light, joyful, free! I was free!

The day before this I had had to put down 2 of my cats because they were too afraid. I had gotten another cat from Maren and a cat who had been missing for a month had come back too. It was a very dysfunctional night, to say the least. I stayed up until 5am cleaning catpee from my bed, and such. So I made the decision to set the 2 sisters free. This was of course me letting my own fears go, and the session with Ingerid the day after definitely confirmed this.

Before the next session I had moved out to Maren. Her roommate had just moved out and when she asked me it felt very right, so I said yes. It was quite the change to get up at 8-9 in the morning instead of 11-2 that I had been used to. I was absolutely beat in the morning and had to fight with myself to even get out of bed.

Then came the day of the session with Ingerid and John. This day me and Ingerid was sitting outside talking while John made us toast for breakfast. Well, lunch for me but breakfast for them. I was laying my heart on the table for Ingerid about things I was feeling ashamed of. Things that I had discussed with Maren during the week that I felt needed “resolving.” So a lot of my hatred, worry and fear was triggered. I felt numb, as children numb themselves out to not have to deal with the pain that the rejection from their parents bring. I was completely apathetic. I told Ingerid about this and she explained the emotional scale for me, and said that the numbness was right below apathy.. And so I said that it felt like the apathy was within the numbness. She asked me to go back to the numbness, because that was God, so I did.

I felt the numbness. Suddenly it wasn’t just numb. It was warm, gentle, firm, and numb. I sank into it. I embraced it and let it embrace me. I felt the apathy within it, held like a little baby in the loving arms of the mother. I couldn’t feel my where my body began and ended anymore. I was more than my body. I looked at this glass on the table, and suddenly that was all I could see. I close my eyes. I felt huge. I couldn’t feel an end to me, I was just this infinite nothingness.

When I had found words to speak again we went outside, and this feeling of bliss was still with me. It was me! I felt me in everything. I realized everything came from this nothing. This nothing was all there was! Ingerid told me I looked completely changed, and I felt completely changed too. The present moment has become the greatest gift in the world. It is all that is, I AM all that is. I AM life itself.

After this experience all my worries feel like they have gone away. I spent the next 3 days channeling Source. Channeling is such a weird word. What it feels like for me is inviting insights into my life. After the insights have arrived they stick. They change me. They become me, and I them. And they come not from the head, they just arrive in my being.

What a beautiful creation we are living. Our beliefs create what we perceive, and yet we are always embraced, always loved. It is impossible to not be love, because it is our essence.

I now know that my awakening is going to be a book. I want to be more of what I AM, inspire more, love more. Into infinity.

Words from Source:

If you ask for my help, I have already helped you. What you ask for has already been given.

Manifesting love is instant. Giving is receiving.

A heart without conditions gives infinitely, loves infinitely.

You choose your experiences.

Invite me into your life, for I am everything and everyone, including you.

Your thoughts about everything is your thoughts about yourself, for you created all of it.

I AM the absolute truth.