Archive for i am

More Than Words…

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2009 by freedomofnow

Almost a whole week since my last post. I would have written before, but I’ve been completely caught up in the energies of the past week. So much love has come in, and thus so much of the old has been pushed out, that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing. When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock, no dreams at all came to mind. I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my “wage” and it went very well. I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime. I came home around 4 or something, and had a chat with Ingerid on skype.  We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious. I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life. I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust, the sorrow that I didn’t trust love, and suddenly I realized that that’s what I had built my life around. A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn’t want to feel it. Once I had felt it completely, I wasn’t bound by it anymore.. Because what I AM is constant, unchanging, joyous, then all feelings are just experiences. I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play.

In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again. I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep. I lay down, closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now. Sleep came almost immediately. In my dream was Ingerid and John, sitting in front of me. Ingerid to the left, John to the right. I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up. I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before, but this time it was different. It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards, generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead. I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back, aswell as various points at my back. I relaxed slightly, and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful. Ingerid looked at me and said “Remember, it’s all you,” reassuringly, and I realized that I wasn’t going to die. I let go completely. The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely “full” in my forehead, I heard Ingerid say “now…” I closed my eyes. Suddenly there was an inaudible click, as if when a bubble bursts. I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision, originating where I felt the pressure. As the light spread outwards, spirals of white-golden garlands spread outwards. I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched. It was so beautiful I started crying.

As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those “in your face” significant ones, so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away. We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries, so I called John and told him about the dream. He said “That’s pretty simple. Your third eye is opening. C spot run.” I laughed and thanked him. It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before, but since the dream it has only been growing. The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again.

The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom. I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink, and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely. I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash, then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger. I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer. I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn’t zombified. I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed.

The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless. Like something important was about to happen. I looked at the time, it was 14:44. I couldn’t help but smile.I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger. I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different, and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before. I also realized that there was nothing I had to do. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, at precisely the right time.  I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them. This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation. The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word “shatter.” Like something old was breaking. The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed. I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn’t necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me, which made a lot of sense. It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed. The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains, and I finally went to sleep late that night.

Skipping forth until the night to the 15th, I had another one of those matiné dreams that just screamed of significance. I woke up and just started writing until I had all of it down.

I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations, and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely. I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us, and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there. I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right. Suddenly we all hit the floor, I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint. I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint. Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too. Ingerod told me there was always a trick, a key of sorts, to every instance like this. So we moved on right away, walked down through the open field where there was festivities. It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it. People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn’t mind and kept walking. We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet, and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn’t stand on its own, so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself. We went to the next house. We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us. There was a creaking sound almost immediately, and I remember having heard that before. It hit me that I had BEEN here before. Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room, and suddenly there was a woman there, She looked completely mad, her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger. She had 2 knives in her hands, walking from one end to another in the room, then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle. She was aiming at me. After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me, and I faced the woman and her knives on my own. She came directly at me no matter how fast I was at avoiding her, and I felt the knives cut at my left and right sides around the stomach. Ingerid came with wet blankets to clean the wound while I was still trying to dodge the woman. I had some kind of knife myself and when she had passed me I tried stabbing her. There was blood, but Ingerid said “Don’t hurt her.” I stopped, the woman went into one wall and came out another. I tried to hold her arms to stop her from cutting me but the blades kept slicing my flesh. She came from the right and the knives cut across my stomach. At first there was so much sweat that there were no wounds, but the knives went unrelenting back and forth. I noticed there weren’t any direct wounds, but the blood kept pouring. Ingerid was there with a wet napkin to stop the bloodflow. Suddenly light came through the window, and I saw another scene unfold. The woman and a man was holding eachother on the floor, and a sort of voice narrated that they were joined together in eternity. As the voice said this a beige old woven blanket wrapped around them and was all that was left. Suddenly me and Ingerid was on an open field, and Ingerid said to help her. I looked at what she was doing, and saw a short angry looking man and a slightly taller bald one in what looked like wizards robes. The short ones had stars on it, and the taller one was completely black. Next to them was a group of children. As Ingerid stood in front of them with arms open, what looked like a red veil was above them, like the tip of a fire. I held out my hands aswell and the 2 men in the robes got more and more frantic. I pushed but nothing seemed to happen, so I stopped. I looked at Ingerid and whatever she did seemed to work, so I held up my hands again and allowed whatever wanted to come to come, and the bigger man in a robe looked at me and said “Foreldre er sexualitet i denne verden!/Parents are sexuality in this world!” then he popped. Like a balloon. Immediately followed by the little one, and the veil of red was lifted from the children. It felt like it was done. Suddenly we were back in the barn again, surrounded by people. The locale suddenly felt clean, fresh and beautiful. I started crying uncontrollably from the sense of relief in me, and that’s when I woke up.

I got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing, and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping, so I went to meet up with her. As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready. All of the soul family was gathered, and it was a day filled with joy and laughter. Truly beautiful. I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious. The blue was Mary Magdalene, so it was healing. All the people in the end was all the aspects of me, all the roles I have played, that came home. Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still, and allow everything to flow.

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I AM what I AM.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past days have been filled with messages, and I’ll get to that, I just had to get this down right away. I just read through some blogs that I’ve been following, including Patrice Julien’s blog. I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said: I AM WHAT I AM. This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids’ place. Also the past days have been filled with similar signs, as I’ll describe in detail. Anyway, I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that “I AM” speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen, and he ends with quoting the song “I AM WHAT I AM” by Gloria Gaynor. While I’m reading this I am watching the tv series “Two and a half men” which I find very funny, as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan.. And in the end, guess what? Berta’s sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans’ mother, singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor! I was struck speechless.

Okay so let me back up a few days. To the 25th to be more exact. I had another movie marathon of dreams. I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video. It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji, and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then. So that night one of the “scenes” were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit. I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it, but the chance never arose. The meaning is pretty clear though. Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food, and since I couldn’t be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley. I had the key-ring-coin-lookalike-key ready, but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose. It was free from its chains, unattached. Free. I asked to be shown the meaning of this, but I already knew the answer. It was very obvious.

The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful. I remembered having a dream, and the feeling of that dream lingered. It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt, so I asked to be shown the dream I had had. I usually do this if there’s any details of dreams that I’m uncertain of, and they usually “pop up” almost immediately. This time, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just that sense of despair, fear, horror and sorrow. A little bundle of love. I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4-5 hours, waking up at around 3pm. I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before, and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked, so I went in and got my bike. As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete, and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day. I put it back and went to the store, and encountered the same free roaming trolley again. I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping, and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK. 144 being the number of completion, I couldn’t help but laugh. I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter, and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries.

When I got home and checked my computer John was online, so I asked him about the symbols, and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant. John verified this.

Friday came, and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit, when the “I AM what I AM” was very obvious. No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after “I AM what I AM” either. Anyway, they were talking about their day, and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through. We also talked about just how profound the new energy is. Before when beings ascended, their bodies would “leave” this earthly existence as the being ascended, but now we can do what they did while still being in this body. That is why so many so-called masters are coming back to experience these times with us. I explained that I had had some dreams about sex the past nights, and John said that was a good sign. I carry some dark sexual energies with me still that apparently seem to start to come up finally. Then Ingerid asked me if I could do some stuff for her blog. Suddenly this feeling of.. something.. welled up in me, and my knees felt wobbly. Not in the fuzzy peaceful way this time. It felt dark, controlling, angry and panicked. Right after Ingerid got a sign that she was protected, held safe to make sure that what was going to come would make it all the way. After a while they were leaving, and I felt I needed to get out for a bit so I walked them to their car. I still had no idea what this feeling was telling me, but it still felt very intense. I was obvioulsy supposed to get whatever they brought that night, so I let it be and went to bed. I had a sex dream that night again, so it definitely feels like something is moving.

The next day, saturday, I asked Ingerid how they were doing, and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day. I was still feeling panicky frightened. I felt this uncertainty, like I didn’t know what was going to happen. It felt like I was completely letting go of control.. And there it was! It was so clear! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control. I embraced the uncertainty, and suddenly a wave of relief came over me. It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future. This was what I experienced yesterday aswell. Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth. Freedom is complete surrender, the sacred emptiness.. That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control. But not so much so that we don’t want to surrender. This was exactly how I felt. I rested in the moment, fell deeper and deeper into it. It was so liberating, with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful.

Changes feel very much exponential. The more we free ourselves, the more darkness can be “shook up” by the light that comes through the next time.. Why worry about what might be, when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? 🙂

Awake in the Dream

Posted in Insights, My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2009 by freedomofnow

These past weeks have definitely turned out to be filled with some very strong symbolism. Everything in this existence is symbolic, but these times it’s like it’s been screaming at me. Almost 2 weeks ago I had a dream where I was back in my old city, and I met a young man and an old kind woman who I were both friends with. I was sitting down and talking to the man, and all of a sudden I noticed a loose scrap of skin on the side of my left foot. I reached down to peel it off and with a little effort it came loose. Then, like when you burn your skin in the sun, more and more just kept coming loose, up to the top of the foot. I suddenly saw that the skin that was coming off was really dark, almost black, while the skin underneath was almost completely white and smooth like babyskin. I looked up at my friend surprised and exclaimed, “I’m shedding skin!” He looked very happy for my sake, and I just kept pulling. More and more skin came off, pieces as big as a grocery shopping bag, more and more effortlessly as more and more skin came off.

The symbolism here was so clear I couldn’t miss it if it hit me in the face. What I perceived as dark in me is “shedding” or transforming into light.

The nights leading up to now has been either completely dreamless or a nightmarish mix of a mish-mash of different dreams seemingly unconnected. I’ve woken up with a sense of fear, horror and despair that has quickly dissipated. What’s very new is that so-called negative feelings don’t affect me anymore. I AM so much bigger, and my being seems unmoved by whatever feelings arise. There’s a sort of distance to everything. Like I can choose if it will affect me or not. I can choose to participate in the drama around me. Not that I do it, but the times it has happened I have felt just how dense they are. It’s like pulling a curtain over my perception, and taking in the various feelings associated with it.

I also realized that when this happened before, and things that needed releasing came up I was asking for it to be released from a sense of not wanting it. Like it was a bad thing. No wonder the resistance kept growing, I was actually feeding it. Now I just rest in my sense of Self, in a place of detachment, and things seem to move through me in its own time. It’s impossible to force the flow of life, and every experience is a blessing. Feelings are just feelings, no matter how they feel, and it’s pointless to resist them. They are there to show us something. They arise when we hit the wall of the limitations we have set up around ourselves. As we are really one infinite being, everything that puts a lid on infinity is something that we will eventually meet in our experience so that it may be released. No matter what feelings come, there’s a sense of wholeness, completeness. A trusting that everything is just perfect as it is, and with it an acceptance of each moment. I’m not looking to escape anymore, and it seems to bring with it a lot of smaller pains that pop up and go away constantly. If this is how much I have been feeling and sensing since I was born into this life it is no wonder I needed a cushion until now.

The snowball has definitely turned into an avalanche, and I have never felt so calm and at peace before, like I AM resting in the eye of the storm. I don’t have to seek anything anymore. I AM that which I have sought.

The Sleeper Awakens part 2

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

The first session consisted mostly of talk about this, and how the process is as long as we choose it. We can choose to be free right now, a concept that seemed unbelievable to me at the time. We also dug into some feelings and let me confront my father, which felt like a huge blessing. I was so light when I came home, and this time it didn’t go away until the day after. Again, I blamed myself for going back into the drama.

The second session would prove to be exponentially more efficient. We were talking about the “process” and how it can be as short as we want, and whether or not I was ready to let everything go. I didn’t feel very ready, but I said yes anyway. My ego said yes. My head wanted to know. I was talking about a dream I had had when Ingerid stopped me and said I had an entity that was feeding on my energies. I felt a wave of horror creep through me, as if I had been discovered stealing from he cookie jar when I was little. I realized that this was the entity conveying emotions to me. The cord that connected us was the width of a wrist. When the usual size of these cords are threads, the influence it had on me gets pretty clear. All my negative emotions had seemed so incredibly dominant. John said that with a cord that thick it had most likely been with me for several lifetimes. Ingerid said we had to join our efforts to ask it to leave, so she sat next to John and we all closed our eyes. I pictured myself with this huge wirecutter cutting the cord, and after a while Ingerid said “It is done. How do you feel?”

I felt incredibly weird. Lightheaded, dizzy, almost like falling mid-air. I explained it to her and she said it was the entity and its energies leaving my body. I started to feel light. A sense of bliss came over me, and it was as if a waterfall of light poured into my head. I felt like I was about to burst with happiness, and yet I was very calm and relaxed. I went out to listen to the sound of a waterfall nearby.. Smell the flowers. Just relax.

What happened in the following sessions is kind of blurry, but the second to last session at the time of writing was a very powerful one. The session before I had gotten a lot of anger towards my father triggered, and that left me feeling utterly hopeless. That was how my father made me feel when I was little, but again the rage covered it. So Ingerid and John were talking yet again about the process and how we can choose any moment to wake up. Then Ingerid found a video of Mooji on youtube with a woman that was very much the same as me.

I have always tried to get a quick fix for everything, but Mooji also speaks about a stepless awakening. That one step is already one step too much.

Watching the last video I realized that the quick fix I had been trying to get outside of myself was useless. The quick fix was what I already was, and the thought of letting go is already one thought too much. So I felt complete acceptance in me. Complete surrender, and with it a cold feeling in my stomach wallowing up, the fear being released effortlessly. At the same time I felt this blissful feeling come over me. I looked at Ingerid and said, do you see this? And she just nodded with a loving smile. I sat still and just felt it. I felt light, joyful, free! I was free!

The day before this I had had to put down 2 of my cats because they were too afraid. I had gotten another cat from Maren and a cat who had been missing for a month had come back too. It was a very dysfunctional night, to say the least. I stayed up until 5am cleaning catpee from my bed, and such. So I made the decision to set the 2 sisters free. This was of course me letting my own fears go, and the session with Ingerid the day after definitely confirmed this.

Before the next session I had moved out to Maren. Her roommate had just moved out and when she asked me it felt very right, so I said yes. It was quite the change to get up at 8-9 in the morning instead of 11-2 that I had been used to. I was absolutely beat in the morning and had to fight with myself to even get out of bed.

Then came the day of the session with Ingerid and John. This day me and Ingerid was sitting outside talking while John made us toast for breakfast. Well, lunch for me but breakfast for them. I was laying my heart on the table for Ingerid about things I was feeling ashamed of. Things that I had discussed with Maren during the week that I felt needed “resolving.” So a lot of my hatred, worry and fear was triggered. I felt numb, as children numb themselves out to not have to deal with the pain that the rejection from their parents bring. I was completely apathetic. I told Ingerid about this and she explained the emotional scale for me, and said that the numbness was right below apathy.. And so I said that it felt like the apathy was within the numbness. She asked me to go back to the numbness, because that was God, so I did.

I felt the numbness. Suddenly it wasn’t just numb. It was warm, gentle, firm, and numb. I sank into it. I embraced it and let it embrace me. I felt the apathy within it, held like a little baby in the loving arms of the mother. I couldn’t feel my where my body began and ended anymore. I was more than my body. I looked at this glass on the table, and suddenly that was all I could see. I close my eyes. I felt huge. I couldn’t feel an end to me, I was just this infinite nothingness.

When I had found words to speak again we went outside, and this feeling of bliss was still with me. It was me! I felt me in everything. I realized everything came from this nothing. This nothing was all there was! Ingerid told me I looked completely changed, and I felt completely changed too. The present moment has become the greatest gift in the world. It is all that is, I AM all that is. I AM life itself.

After this experience all my worries feel like they have gone away. I spent the next 3 days channeling Source. Channeling is such a weird word. What it feels like for me is inviting insights into my life. After the insights have arrived they stick. They change me. They become me, and I them. And they come not from the head, they just arrive in my being.

What a beautiful creation we are living. Our beliefs create what we perceive, and yet we are always embraced, always loved. It is impossible to not be love, because it is our essence.

I now know that my awakening is going to be a book. I want to be more of what I AM, inspire more, love more. Into infinity.

Words from Source:

If you ask for my help, I have already helped you. What you ask for has already been given.

Manifesting love is instant. Giving is receiving.

A heart without conditions gives infinitely, loves infinitely.

You choose your experiences.

Invite me into your life, for I am everything and everyone, including you.

Your thoughts about everything is your thoughts about yourself, for you created all of it.

I AM the absolute truth.