Archive for frustration

Chaos in Motion.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2008 by freedomofnow

Before a great vision can become reality there may be difficulty. Before a person begins a great endeavor, they may encounter chaos. As a new plant breaks the ground with difficulty, foreshadowing the huge tree, so must we sometimes push against difficulty in bringing forth our dreams.

“Out of Chaos, Brilliant Stars are Born”

A lot has happened since my last update. So much, so ground breaking, I’m not sure I’ll be able to put it down in understandable words. In the days coming up to when I was going to my soulmate, I felt a lot of tension build up, and 2 days before I found myself reading a channeled message that said all the lower energies could no longer be fed. They were locked, so to speak, and all that could happen was experiencing their release. Releasing energies is reliving the feeling of the event. Having bottled up my feelings for the past 27 years, I’ve done a lot of releasing lately. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The next day, my boss woke me up by calling me and saying I wouldn’t get any commission that month because of bad results. I felt disappointed, hurt, betrayed.. I had counted on that money to make all my payments and being able to visit my soulmate. Now I had to prioritize. Naturally the choice was made in my favour. Nothing was going to stop me from seeing Maren.

A bit later in the day I spoke to Marens mother, Ingerid, over the phone and she adviced me to read the channeling I’d already been given. The cosmos works in wondrous ways, eh?

So anyway, my friend who I had been living with right after separating called to square up for the last time, and I told him I wasn’t sure how much I was able to give him in addition to a sum we’d agreed was the minimum. He said ok, and suddenly we were cut off. A minute later or so a woman he’d been living with called me from his phone, and I knew what was coming. I speak of her in my awakening post below, but a few lines about her wouldn’t hurt. She’s got ADHD, which is the biggest joke of a disease you can be diagnosed with. She has anger issues, which really roots with her father, and like me she had been in an extremely violent relationship. Only her had lasted for the past 3 years, so one can wonder what she thinks of herself. Anyway, she dished out what a terrible friend I was and how I was responsible for their having to hide for the weekend because they had borrowed money from some bad people. It ended with her threatening to come tear my head off, and though I doubted she would do it, I was very set off by what she said. My heart was pounding, racing with fear.

My ex girlfriend was coming over later to give me a suitcase and some clothes she had since we were living together, and I decided to unload all my frustration in regards to our separation. I felt I was the one who got the short end of the stick, in various aspects. So she came over, and I got the chance to finally tell her how I felt about everything. I also found out that she had been cheating on me for the last 2 months of our relationship.. not that I was surprised, but I was hurt and I told her. In retrospect I realize I held a lot of anger back, but it was a first step.

After she’d gone I just laid on my bed and stared at my roof for.. I don’t know how long.. time just disappeared. I laid there, and felt all my feelings, just felt them come. Suddenly I felt the urge to get out and walk, so I went to the local gas station to get some Snus. All I did was breathe. Long, deep breaths of air.. I felt my mouth curl up more and more into a crying fashion.. Then when I was walking home again I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.. I tried to pick it up but I was 1 second late. It turns out it’s the stepfather of my ex girlfriend. Safe to say, he’s my fear of death manifested in a person, and I only had to look at the phone and see he was he one who called to feel it.

Terrified, I walked the last steps up to my house and walked up to my appartment. When I got to my room, my mother called. I had called her the night before and we had fought for a bit, so I was scared to confront her again. When we spoke this time, though, she was so understanding and comforting I felt my defenses break and I cried.. The kind where you just disappear into the emotions coming out of you.. For about 20 seconds. I thought I was done.. My defenses were up again. I thanked my mother for the talk and we hung up.

The day after I woke up 5 minutes before my alarm clock and rushed so fast down to the bus. I was finally on the way! The trip was filled with a nerve wrecking sensation of anxiety on and off for 14 hours. The last switch, called Oppdal, Ingerid came to pick me up, which was a great relief.

So as to not go into too much detail.. The almost two weeks I was there were, well.. let’s just call it bittersweet. I thought I was “done” and ready to live life happily forever, but it turns out I was intellectually arrogant to the point where it was ugly. So Maren and Ingerid made the process short and effective and didn’t accept anything from my ego, which was very frustrating. I realized this is what ground beef must feel like while it’s being ground.

Fast forwarding a few weeks to the beginning of december I was going to Sweden to visit my parents. I had both looked forward to it and dreaded it at the same time. Mostly because I finally understood how poisonous my parents behaviour really were. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good people, but they’re limited by their belief systems like everybody else. Only difference is I chose them for this life to push me into enlightenment. Going there is like pouring salt into an open wound.

Anyway, I first went home and visited a friend who was getting married. I stayed there for a few days extra, just because I really didn’t feel like going to my parents. It was inevitable, though, and I found myself sitting on the train feeling like utter shit. All the old, bottled up feelings I had neglected to feel for so long came to the surface. I felt myself cry a bit, and suddenly I realized I did not want to visit my parents. I had no reason to visit them at all. Well, except for christmas presents. As I realized this we were just approaching the last stop of the train before Gothenburg, and the train conductor said over the speakers that there had been a faulty explosion on the way, so the train couldn’t make it all the way to the last stop. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the striking connection of what had just happened.

I decided to go anyway, despite the blatantly obvious sign that I shouldn’t. A lot happened during the week I was home. I decided to go to Maren before christmas instead of after, and told my parets and sister.. Which caused mayhem, to say the least. I saw the mental abuse my father is doing to my little brother and snapped completely. I’ve never felt so angry in my entire life.. My entire body was pulsing with rage. I had a fight with my mother because she felt my spiritual behaviour and insights put her in a bad light in front of friends and family. All in all I realized that this is my biological family, but not a loving family that will accept me for who I am.

I also had a pretty vivid dream that I remember from my visit.
I was walking around in a huge city with some people. First we were doing what we always did, it seemed like home in some way.. Then we were planting explosives in various parts of the city, and meeting up with a helicopter. We got into a helicopter and hovered above the city. I saw the explosive devices go off and water flood the city. The buildings fell like cardboard.. In fact, it seemed like it was cardboard. One of the men in the helicopter turned and said “It’s props.”

The flood created a tropical island that we landed on. There was also a cruise boat there that had a lot of really advanced functions. Like trampolines that could take you from deck to deck and a set of screens connected to videocameras around the boat. I put my phone there and went on with setting explosives on the boat too. We did this and set off the timer. At 01:47 time left when I was safe on the island I realized I had forgotten my phone on the boat, so I ran to the boat in hopes of retrieving it and making it back before it blew up. I ran and jumped and ran and tried to bypass the hordes of panicking people.. I made it to the stern of the boat. A big open area. And then I heard the boom of the explosions going off. The boat toppled over completely, and I looked up at the ocean for a brief second before the boat went underwater.

I remember thinking that I had to take a really deep breath, or I wouldn’t make it. So I took the deepest breath I could right in time before going under, and tried to hold it for as long as I possibly could. The currents took me and I saw the surface long above me. After a while I couldn’t hold my breath anymore so I just had to let the old air out and breathe in as deep as I could. To my amazement I could breathe. I took one breath, and then I woke up.

How’s that for symbolism? Everything is an illusion. 🙂

So I went to my soulmate a week after first arriving at my parents, and things turned even more ugly. My ego has been trying to put labels on everything, including my relationship. I’ve been justifying myself through her, as I’ve done with all my relationships, and this is something I have to do alone. I need to find my own light. So now we’re broken up, and I know it’s the right thing. I’ve been getting a lot of signs lately, telling me to embrace all that is, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. It feels like shit right now, but I embrace it. Everything I experience is chosen by my higher self, conspiring in my favor. In love.