Archive for feeling

Emotional Honesty

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by freedomofnow

Another week has gone by, filled with connected moments. Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing, and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th. She immediately said “But your body needs protein!” and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up. After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come. I sat still and felt anger come, then a fear also reported itself to my awareness. I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it. I felt my “I AM” presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body, the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM. I let the feeling play out, and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers’ love. I looked at this fear, and at the same time I felt my “I AM” presence around it, and after some time the fear melted into this “I AM” and became that. I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words, profound peace in my entire being. I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions. This is a so-called release. Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up, listen to what they say, and then they will go and leave you in peace.

Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid, but instead we spent the day just hanging out. Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers’ company through the day. That didn’t stop the feelings from coming, though, and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself. I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up. I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection. I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years. It was so true. I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat. Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going, like an upside down waterfall running through me.

We stayed till late that night and watched the movie “Pretty Woman” and then John drove me home. As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top. I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon. He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon, and it was suddenly very clear why. The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth, thereby affecting our life here on the planet. This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey. It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it. As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid, and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1,- krone lying on the ground. I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them. As I showed it to John, he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom. I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me.

As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren. Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her, and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that. As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards, and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up. John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are. I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming, and so we kept digging deeper. Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren. To lessen the anger. Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night, and not just one, an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going. I noticed 7 of them. They jumped across the road one by one, but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them. This immediately struck me as significant, and John agreed. So he asked me what they were, but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it. They were innocent. They showed me that despite what I may think, I am innocent and pure. The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before.

What had happened on the way home with John, both the conversation and the symbolism, had had a very profound impact on me, so when I got home I went to bed right away. I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my “I AM” presence. Ingerids words echoed “You still haven’t forgiven, or the anger wouldn’t keep coming back.” I had felt something shift today, so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life, and now I didn’t need it anymore. I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely.

That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car, and it was a school where everyone carried guns. We met a short, skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry. He was also very triggerhappy, so he started to shoot after me. He hit me a couple of times in my upper body, just missing vital organs like lungs and heart, and he hit me once in the left part of my head. I walked up to the guy, and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands. I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together, and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him. He looked perplexed and his gun-arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets, but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched, and I never let my hands waver. I saw the profound effect this had on him and said “This is who you really are,” and I closed my eyes. He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes. Then I started crying a whole lot, and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital. I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up. I saw this gold-red-yellow-blue-green and white – all at the same time – light coming down in front of me, but nothing happened.. Then I woke up.

I woke up as the sun was setting the following day, and I immediately felt some turbulence there. I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything. The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness. Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered. I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed. Then I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, like there was no going back to the old ways. It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before. Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up, and I welcomed them with open arms. Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely. I remembered having felt like that as a child, but not since. I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break.

When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours. I had a shower and sat down to check my email, and the first email I read was “I believe God wants you to know” from Neale Donald Walsch. It said:

On this day of your life, Martin, I believe God wants you to know…
..that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may
be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so
much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as
much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this
juncture if that’s what’s happening. Don’t hang on so
tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is
that you can pick up only the pieces that you want…

…and you know exactly why I told you this today…

Love, Your Friend….
Neale

This hit home so profoundly, and I realized that’s what was happening. I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn’t have my anger to protect me anymore, and it was okay. It is okay to let everything fall apart. As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face. All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came, and it was okay.

This is such a contrast from where I have come from it’s almost indescribable. I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all. I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings, and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced. This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence, and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it.

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Eye of the Storm.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2009 by freedomofnow

Sooo.. Things are really stirring up these days. The things really started to affect me on halloween. It is also the day when the veil is said to be the thinnest between worlds, and of course it is, because we believe it to be. Very uneasy sleep, twisting and turning and no dreams pretty much sums up my last couple of days. Then yesterday it all started happening. The winds here are so extreme I felt as though I was going to blow away when I rode my bike to town yesterday. As I closed in on the store where I was about to shop I let go of the handlebar as I usually do, and suddenly the wind grabbed a hold of my bike. I felt the bike slip under me and a feeling like I had hit the ground face first and tasting my own blood arose. Without a single thought my hands went to the handlebar again and through what seemed a miracle the bike straightened up its angle and steering and I was safe. The bad feeling quickly subsided and was replaced by a profound sense of peace that I am beginning to be familiar with.

Later that night I had a visit from one of my enlightened friends, and we got talking about being completely free, letting go of all attachments. It seems even though I feel very free and detached there are still things being played out that keep me imprisoned in my own perception. John asked me “How far away would you like your cage-bars to be?” My answer came intuitively, “No cage at all.” John said that it is the same as being a little bit pregnant, not possible. You’re either free or not. There was a strong sensation that I wanted a partner for this life journey, and as we were talking about this a sensation of nervousnes, anxiety and tension arose, and at the same time a pleasant buzz.. I recognized it, because I had felt it so many times before. Every time I had the sensation of being in love, this had been there. There was a comforting sensation in it, and at the same time a sensation that all my efforts were leading nowhere. I realized that the comfort was my interpretation, and the feeling changed. It now felt like I was clawing at walls, frantically trying to get out. I realized that I wanted my freedom above anything else, and whatever pain could come.

I rested in complete acceptance of whatever came, and the feelings came and went through the night, along with stinging physical pains and burning in my stomach and throat. I went to bed around 1am, and woke up again while it was still dark. I tried checking my cell phone what time it was but it had loaded out completely even though I had charged it that morning. After a while I fell asleep again, and I had some very vivid dreams that night. When I woke up at 11 I had to get my charger so that I could write them down, then I slept until half past 1pm. All my cats were sprawled around the bed, sleeping aswell. Even though there was so much emotions going on there’s a deep sense of calm and completeness around everything.

So the full moon has come on the 2nd, and that is triggering its own cleanup of emotional blockage, then there’s the sixth night of the Maya starting on the 8th, aswell as the cosmic opening of the 11/11, which is a 11:11:11 portal. There are enormous energies at work to tear down the old and open up to the new, and I am definitely feeling it. The difference is that now it is okay. Everything is as it is supposed to be, and that’s okay.

Update: I just lost all my keys today. I’ll have to check the symbolism on that, along with the dream. They are definitely related.

I can’t be arsed naming this post anything special.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2009 by freedomofnow

Since the small taste of my true nature and the extacy that followed it I have gone into what feels like an extremely heavy depression. All the signs tell me that something major is about to happen, and there’s been 2 eclipses of the moon and one of the sun, and yet I’m left feeling confused, and completely apathetic to what’s happening around me. It’s like the spice of life has no taste anymore. I just don’t care, no matter what happens around me. Even in typing this I feel like I have to force myself to get the words down, and coming this far has taken me about 15 minutes, which never happens once I decide to write something.

So imagine my surprise when I received a book excerpt from Karen Bishop (http://www.emergingearthangels.com/) about the very thing I’m going through. Here’s what it said:

From the book: The Ascension Companion:

“APATHY”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S wrong with me these days. I just don’t
seem to care about much of anything anymore.” “I seem to have
lost all interest in becoming involved with the things that I used
to.” “I don’t care what happens.” If you have had any of these
thoughts or feelings lately, know that they are a regular part of
the ascension process and have a perfect and distinct purpose.
At times, we may feel as though we are going along, “acting” our
way through our daily lives. We are simply not present, as our
lives do not have the meaning that they used to. We don’t seem
to be in alignment with what we had created in the past. And in
addition, becoming exhausted through all the trials and
tribulations that ascension can bring, can make one very
apathetic. We are just too darned tired to become involved with
or care about much of anything. “Let the chips fall where they
may,” becomes our general course of action (or in-action!). “I no
longer have the desire to stay on top of things.”

But apathy has a gold nugget within it. Being apathetic
actually places us in a higher vibrating space. It supports our
continual process of letting go of attachments. When we no
longer care about much of anything, we then become unentwined
with much. We are then left in a space of “no space,”
and this is the space of the higher realms. We are then much
more in the moment. When we do not care about much, we are
not filling our thoughts and emotions with things that are not
really “real.” And we are much more out of the way.

In the higher realms, there are no agendas and plans. With no
attachments, with a good connection to Source, with great trust,
and a knowingness that everything is always in divine right
order, nothing really matters anyway. Being much more
connected to Source on a continual basis, keeps us more even
keel. There aren’t as many ups and downs. And when we realize
that things are really no big deal, as we can create fresh and New
within any given moment, apathy, then, fits right in.

In order to create successfully, we have to have no attachments.
It is always precisely when we no longer care about having
something, that it arrives. And we do not really want to create
from our ego or dis-connect selves anyway. As we progress
through the ascension process, then, and become used to not
having much of anything go our way, or how we had imagined,
we are certainly placed smack in the middle of a higher vibrating
space. These experiences force us to let go. Isn’t it strange that
the areas in our lives that we do not have strong opinions about,
seem to always go along just fine?

I had a web designer who decided that she was going to retire
from all computer work and web design. The trials and
tribulations that her work was bringing were no longer worth it
for her. The minute she let go and gave it all up, she immediately
began to get huge amounts of business, and the new clients were
the kind she has always wanted. It was when she no longer cared
about web design, as she was really burned out, that her business
really took off. (She still quit anyway!)

When things don’t go our way, many times it is because we are
not coming from our “connected” self. We may be coming from a
desperate or analytical self that is trying to solve a problem is a
way that we feel is possible… even if we aren’t even particularly
wild about our own idea. If we were to look back, we would
usually find that we were glad this or that had never happened.
Being in a state of apathy, caused by never seeming to get what
we want, among other things, puts us in that space of neutrality
where we can create just about anything. When we realize that
nothing really matters much, as what we thought mattered was
coming from our dis-connect selves, it is then that we are
successfully reaching the higher realms. Being happy where we
truly are, always brings the next step of creation to our doorstep.

When we have to have things a certain way, we basically place a
choke hold on energy. It is when we can be contented by simply
being, that all our needs are met. Passion is a seeming
contradiction to this scenario, as passion is a very strong
connection, because we know that what we are passionate about
is in perfect alignment in every way with our higher selves. So
there is a distinct difference in regard to passion. We usually
experience apathy when we are releasing desires that arise from
our dis-connect self. We didn’t need them anyway.

If you have chosen this page, you are being encouraged to honor
your state of apathy, and to realize that apathy is a condition of
the higher realms. It is an indication that you are vibrating
higher and becoming a higher level being. Feeling apathetic is
simply great training for a higher level way of being.
Congratulations, as you are learning the non-attached state of
neutrality.”

Vibration?

Posted in Videos with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2008 by freedomofnow

I think everyone who has delved 1 second into the spiritual have heard of “increasing your bodily vibrations.” The first time I heard it, I thought to myself “What? How do I do that?” And I got the answer: Just be happy.

So I did some research to really figure out what it means.. And I realized it all boils down to two key feelings, in the entire universe. Love, and fear. Sure, it all branches out in various feelings like anger, anxiety on one end, and grattitude, happiness on the other. Two feelings that define the outcome for you in any situation you’ll ever face. Love, or fear? So how does this affect us? What does it mean?

I’ll let you watch this, and we can continue this after it’s sunk in.

See how the lower vibration manifests a very simple pattern? This directly affects the genetic structure of your body. It’s even proven that when you’re upset your intelligence drops a score or twenty! The result is then, that anger lowers your capability to make sound decisions. I learned this the hard way.

Now, increase the vibration, and you see the most beautiful patterns emerge. This higher vibration, again, directly affects your gene pool.. So what does that mean?

So what happens to us when we let ourselves express grattitude, for example, is that our bodily vibrations start to shape a more complex geometric vibrational pattern, thus unlocking more genetic codes for us to experience. In essence, more spiritual abilities for you to enjoy.

Once you realize that fear can only bring you down. Limit you on your journey to enlightenment, the picture becomes so much more clear.

Listen to your heart, and your body, for that is the language of your soul. Your soul and body – and everything else in the entire universe actually – is a part of god. You. Are. God.

That means, if something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it! That is extremely important.

On the other hand, if somethings resonates, do it. But do it for the right reasons! Do it for you.