Archive for fears conflicts

A world of Symbols.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2009 by freedomofnow

Soooo! Here it is again. So much has happened, yet as usual the outwardly action is limited, although it feels like it is picking up somehow. It “started” on the 11th november, which is a 11:11:11 portal, when the book “Before I AM” by Mooji arrived. It is such a beautiful read, I pageflip every night before going to bed. It’s definitely not coincidental that that book arrived on that very day. Then last sunday, Mooji was holding an online satsang that I “happened” to be online at the right time to attend. Right before it started Ingerid was visiting to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for her, and as per usual when I am in the same space as her I was in a very good mood.

Then it began. As soon as I saw Mooji with his red shirt on it struck me that I had seen this meeting some days ago, only I interpreted it as a visit to London. When it dawned on me all kinds of emotions started to flood through me. Anxiety, a nervousness, fear, it all came up. It felt like this was it. This was the time for my mind-made “I” to die, and I knew I had to face it. An hour went and I had made a few calls although none had gone through, and I decided that this was it. I called repeatedly until finally I saw the video initializing screen come up. Mooji was still in another call, and how lucky that was because I could not have said anything if I had tried. After a few minutes I heard the host of nevernothere announcing me and I just had to jump into it. I made this into a video and uploaded it to youtube, so without further adue, I give you my first conversation with Mooji.

Monday came and I was feeling a bit restless, like something was off but I had no idea why. I had slept my usual 12 hours and I felt a bit out of sync that day. I knew I wanted to clean the appartment, but I just had no energy whatsoever to do anything. The evening came and eventually sleep settled in. I woke up on tuesday feeling very rested. I was supposed to have been at Ingerids for satsang, but she had sent me a message saying she wasn’t feeling good so it was cancelled. My cell phone is currently not receiving text messages except for immediately when I turn it on, and I had a feeling that it wasn’t a day for satsang, so I checked right away when I woke up to the clock at around noon. It’s wonderful being in a position where I have to set the clock if I want to get up before noon. :p

I had one sensation when I got up: I had to get this appartment cleaned right away! I put my laptop in the kitchen and started playing my youtube playlist of music. It holds just about all kinds of music that I have found resonance in depending on mood. This time it started off with a beautiful tibetan monk chant to set the mood, then it gave me Jason Mraz – All dialed in, a song that always makes me cry, and to top it all off, Portishead – Roads.. So while I was crying my eyes out and cleaning the appartment, I gradually felt more and more energized. Once I was done with cleaning and the long, warm shower, I felt great. I was feeling happy the entire day.

That night I dreamt about Ingerid. We were talking about the connection we had, that’s all I remember. That morning Ingerid woke me up at 1pm and asked me if I wanted to come help her carry some stuff at her house that neither she or John could carry while she cleaned the appartment. I felt a tremendous joy and accepted right away. Ingerid came and picked me up a bit later. On the way over we were talking about Mooji and how it would be such an experience to go to London on one of his Satsangs, and it just burst out of me: I’ll buy all of us a tour to London to see Mooji! As I said it I felt such a spontaneous joy. Ingerid was so grateful she got so flustered with emotion that she almost drove off the road. Once we got to their place we sat down and had a cup of tea while we were talking about – and listening to – my conversation with Mooji. First Ingerid said that the fact that out of all the people listening that I was one of the people who got through to speak to him was a very good pointer to where I am right now, and when Mooji said that I was “in the taste of that” with his loving smile, Ingerid smiled and said that’s the feeling she gets around me aswell. John elaborated on this and said that this was all on my own, not in the company of anyone else, and a major turning point for me. It actually felt like it aswell, although there was no sense of pride, there was only joy and love for myself. Then we proceeded to talk about Love Lines, and John felt inspired to include me in the creation. Because Love Lines is completely guided by spirit, the kind of publisher we want is one that comes from a place of joy, and who is able to let our company work through his equipment. I’ve always been able to “see” what Ingerid suggests in its whole, and when they told me about their World Galleries, I immediately got a feeling of the building and some images. John had already drawn his vision, and when he showed me it was almost as a deja vu for me. It was perfect, complete. Very exciting times indeed.

The day continued. Carpets needed cleaning so I spent hours outside hammering carpets, carrying various things, rearranging a room, only to arrange it back, and then rearrange it back to its original state again. I was clearly “chopping wood and carrying water.” We took some breaks to talk and have a bite of food during the day. During one break we were talking about spirit, which we always do I guess.. And I heard exactly what I was supposed to hear, as I always do.. Ingerid said, “Every answer is a death.” which hit home for me very profoundly. The past days I had been feeling like all the answers my mind give me, are so limiting that I don’t believe them. Even its questions, because they always lead to conclusions beyond the now. Beyond what is at the moment. The day came to an end and they drove me home late that night. I had a bite to eat, a shower and saw “The Kings of Comedy” on Tv before going to bed. That night I slept like a baby. This night I dreamt about both Ingerid and John. We were talking about the connection between us, and it turned out that me and Ingerid had been having the same dreams lately. The next dream I had was so vivid. I saw aliens coming to the planet, and a planet coming very close to ours. Aliens landing and a huge fight between the aliens and us. I was strolling peacefully through it all though.

I woke up the day after feeling totally rested, and in complete joy. 10 minutes after waking up, Ingerid called and asked when they could pick me up, to which I replied right away, though John had to take Maren and her son home first. I went out to the road and waited for them and John stopped to pick me up. I was so happy to see them all, and me and Nathaniel were dancing to the music in the car all the way to Marens’ place. On the way home I explained my dream to John and he said that it was a realigning with my Self. He then proceeded to talk about the symbolism of dreams, that I knew of and that being the reason why I sought his expertise, but this time he also mentioned that the waking state is also a dream, and that everything is symbolic. He had shown me some symbolism in my presence earlier, but when we talked about it this time it felt more significant. He told me it’s all about what catches your attention, and listening to what your intuition tells you. I said that I could definitely use some help interpreting all this in the future, and he said that I should first open myself up to the fact that they are there and seek within myself first.

The day passed and we got the rest of the cleaning done, which was such a relief. Ingerid explained that we clean our appartment when we have taken a step “forward” in vibration.. When the current state around us is of the vibration that we used to hold, it is easy to feel dragged down by your surroundings, which is exactly how I felt. The love we hold for ourselves is reflected around us. Puts cleaning in a whole new light. In the evening Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their child came by and we watched a movie, then they drove me home.

I was conscious just in the moment that the veil of sleep was pulled down, and with the last breath I felt the embrace of the formless. It really is indescribable. I used to have these sensations all the time, but before they would send vibrations of fear throughout my body, and I would shiver in horror. Now it is like the shell of my body is gently melted away to reveal the loving nothingness of my soul flowing out into infinity. I woke up on friday having slept like a baby yet again. It was around 2pm or so. I decided to go and make breakfast right away because I was very hungry. When I was done I reached for a small plate to put them on, and it slipped in my fingers and went for the floor. It hit the floor looking like it would break into 1000 pieces, but what was left was 2 just about identical pieces of porcelain. One had 2 red flowers on it and 2 yellow, the other had one red flower on it and one yellow.

It iimmediately struck me that this was significant for me, so as I grabbed another plate and went into my room I asked for the meaning of this to be shown to me. As I got into the room John immediately logged on, and I asked him what this could mean. He said that I was breaking my fast. Not the normal kind around easter when people don’t eat for 14 days. This was a spiritual fast. I was not “eating of” the manna bread, spiritual truth. The flowers are a confirmation 22:11, a power number. I googled the manna bread and got “11th Heaven Homemaking.” John filled in that that was just a symbol of life, and that I was beginning to nurture myself, loving myself. Metaphors are simple, but we often analyze their meaning away. It is the inner guidance that shows you the truth.

This felt very right for me, and I thanked John for his help and decided to go to town to pick up some money that a friend of mine owed me. She’s quite angry, and she’s owed me this money for quite some time now and I sent her a quite harsh sms the other day to which her anger flared up. So I came to town and met her where she worked and she handed me an envelope with the money and turned her back to me doing some work while we were talking. I thanked her for the money and left to get some food. I grabbed a trolley and got inside the store, and while I was enjoying the sweet taste of a chilled coke, I turned around and suddenly there was Ingerid’s other daughter and her newborn daughter. The daughter is adorable beyond words and her mother is a very loving mother, it was a very pleasant meeting. We talked and walked around the store for some time while we shopped and then we headed for the exit. I was so happy to see them and we both smiled as we parted. I took my shopping bags and headed home, but I felt the need to take a detour down to the walkway by the river. As I was riding my bike along the side of the river, feeling the fresh air and listening to the sound of gushing water around me, I suddenly saw a light shine in the middle of the dark waters. It was still for a few seconds, shining at me, before I realized that it was a very tall light from a far that was reflected. I got home, and hailed John to speak about what had just happened. I told him that some more symbols had appeared, but instead of asking him what they meant I listened to my intuition to see the meaning.

It all felt like it was me turning my back towards my anger and my past, and being greeted by my newborn love for myself, shining my light in the middle of the darkness. John confirmed all of it, and added: the light shines in the darkness and the darkness comprehends it not, which is a biblical quote. I should feel excited, happy, elated that I was getting things right, but it felt so natural.. like part of the flow. There was just acceptance in me, and a sense of being guided completely.

Later that day John was coming to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for them, but as he was driving here Ingerid called and asked me to come help her with one last thing, which I accepted gladly. I was sitting and writing this post as I heard a very unique cat sound that John makes when he tries to communicate with cats, so I thought he was outside saying hello to my cats and decided to go meet him. As I got outside it was raining, and I found shelter between the house where I live and the garage of my landlord. I stood there and suddenly I hear Ramses, one of my cats, squeak and I see him rush towards me. He is so cozy, brushing up against my leg and practically jumping up on me to cuddle. He’s a very loving cat but usually not this extreme. Suddenly he went out in the rain, caught something in his mouth and ran and dropped it at my feet. I bent down to look, and it was the tip of a flower. Such a beautiful love declaration from my Self, to my Self.

John came and I told him what had just happened and how I felt about it, and he confirmed that aswell. Then he told me that symbols are everywhere, because life always throws an abundancy of seeds to make sure of its own survival, so if you’re completely open to this you will be bombarded. We kept talking and I suddenly realized that symbols are a kind of first-row in the flow of life. If you don’t see the symbols then they start to become silent whispers, taps on the shoulders, frying pan in the faces and eventually something terminal. John said that there was another even closer way, which is direct communication with your Self. This is where you receive insights directly through your being. I remember having these experiences too when I first tasted the formless. For 3 days I was “channeling” Source, and all I had to do was wonder about something and the answer came through my being. It is very profound because it sort of opens you up to the knowing of it, instead of seeing it through the head.

We got to their place and realized that we had no dinner, so me and John drove back to town to get some stuff from me and the store. When we came to my place the first thing that hit us was the thick smell of smoke from my neighbour. John asked me who was smoking, and I said that it was my neighbour. I noticed her sitting in the kitchen and her door fully open, the entire appartment reeking of smoke. I said hello to her, and she replied that it was a very awful thing for us to say, commenting on her smoking. I had asked her to keep her door closed before because I have smoked for 12 years and I don’t want to surround myself with it anymore, since smoking really is an inner desire to leave this world. When I confronted her before she snapped completely accusing me of having an agenda and saying that it doesn’t smell like smoke at all. When she snapped I felt anger arise in me, and at the same time I turned away and walked into my room almost instinctively. Me and John talked about this on the way home and feelings of fear and anger came up. I completely allowed them to be there as we drove home.

When we got back to their place I explained everything to Ingerid, including the previous encounter with my neighbour. Ingerid said that this is what I had been doing for so many lives. I deny myself in order to please others. I let others treat me badly, and instead of standing up for myself I turn the anger inwards towards, beating myself up about it. This was the anger that I had been taking with me from my previous lives. She also said that this was something that Shaumbra does because on some level we know it doesn’t matter, but it was time to reclaim our self worth. Suddenly I expanded beyond my body, losing all references of up-down-left-right, and a dizzyness hit me. I felt a huge wave of anger pass through me and vanish, and then came the sorrow. Sorrow that I had not treated myself with the love that is who I truly am. I suddenly realized that the highest purpose for me, the highest love for my Self, is always the highest purpose in any situation. I did not have to allow my neighbour to let the entire appartment reek of old cigarettes.

It is ok to be true to myself regardless of how it made others feel. It is actually the greatest gift you can give.


Chaos in Motion.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2008 by freedomofnow

Before a great vision can become reality there may be difficulty. Before a person begins a great endeavor, they may encounter chaos. As a new plant breaks the ground with difficulty, foreshadowing the huge tree, so must we sometimes push against difficulty in bringing forth our dreams.

“Out of Chaos, Brilliant Stars are Born”

A lot has happened since my last update. So much, so ground breaking, I’m not sure I’ll be able to put it down in understandable words. In the days coming up to when I was going to my soulmate, I felt a lot of tension build up, and 2 days before I found myself reading a channeled message that said all the lower energies could no longer be fed. They were locked, so to speak, and all that could happen was experiencing their release. Releasing energies is reliving the feeling of the event. Having bottled up my feelings for the past 27 years, I’ve done a lot of releasing lately. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The next day, my boss woke me up by calling me and saying I wouldn’t get any commission that month because of bad results. I felt disappointed, hurt, betrayed.. I had counted on that money to make all my payments and being able to visit my soulmate. Now I had to prioritize. Naturally the choice was made in my favour. Nothing was going to stop me from seeing Maren.

A bit later in the day I spoke to Marens mother, Ingerid, over the phone and she adviced me to read the channeling I’d already been given. The cosmos works in wondrous ways, eh?

So anyway, my friend who I had been living with right after separating called to square up for the last time, and I told him I wasn’t sure how much I was able to give him in addition to a sum we’d agreed was the minimum. He said ok, and suddenly we were cut off. A minute later or so a woman he’d been living with called me from his phone, and I knew what was coming. I speak of her in my awakening post below, but a few lines about her wouldn’t hurt. She’s got ADHD, which is the biggest joke of a disease you can be diagnosed with. She has anger issues, which really roots with her father, and like me she had been in an extremely violent relationship. Only her had lasted for the past 3 years, so one can wonder what she thinks of herself. Anyway, she dished out what a terrible friend I was and how I was responsible for their having to hide for the weekend because they had borrowed money from some bad people. It ended with her threatening to come tear my head off, and though I doubted she would do it, I was very set off by what she said. My heart was pounding, racing with fear.

My ex girlfriend was coming over later to give me a suitcase and some clothes she had since we were living together, and I decided to unload all my frustration in regards to our separation. I felt I was the one who got the short end of the stick, in various aspects. So she came over, and I got the chance to finally tell her how I felt about everything. I also found out that she had been cheating on me for the last 2 months of our relationship.. not that I was surprised, but I was hurt and I told her. In retrospect I realize I held a lot of anger back, but it was a first step.

After she’d gone I just laid on my bed and stared at my roof for.. I don’t know how long.. time just disappeared. I laid there, and felt all my feelings, just felt them come. Suddenly I felt the urge to get out and walk, so I went to the local gas station to get some Snus. All I did was breathe. Long, deep breaths of air.. I felt my mouth curl up more and more into a crying fashion.. Then when I was walking home again I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.. I tried to pick it up but I was 1 second late. It turns out it’s the stepfather of my ex girlfriend. Safe to say, he’s my fear of death manifested in a person, and I only had to look at the phone and see he was he one who called to feel it.

Terrified, I walked the last steps up to my house and walked up to my appartment. When I got to my room, my mother called. I had called her the night before and we had fought for a bit, so I was scared to confront her again. When we spoke this time, though, she was so understanding and comforting I felt my defenses break and I cried.. The kind where you just disappear into the emotions coming out of you.. For about 20 seconds. I thought I was done.. My defenses were up again. I thanked my mother for the talk and we hung up.

The day after I woke up 5 minutes before my alarm clock and rushed so fast down to the bus. I was finally on the way! The trip was filled with a nerve wrecking sensation of anxiety on and off for 14 hours. The last switch, called Oppdal, Ingerid came to pick me up, which was a great relief.

So as to not go into too much detail.. The almost two weeks I was there were, well.. let’s just call it bittersweet. I thought I was “done” and ready to live life happily forever, but it turns out I was intellectually arrogant to the point where it was ugly. So Maren and Ingerid made the process short and effective and didn’t accept anything from my ego, which was very frustrating. I realized this is what ground beef must feel like while it’s being ground.

Fast forwarding a few weeks to the beginning of december I was going to Sweden to visit my parents. I had both looked forward to it and dreaded it at the same time. Mostly because I finally understood how poisonous my parents behaviour really were. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good people, but they’re limited by their belief systems like everybody else. Only difference is I chose them for this life to push me into enlightenment. Going there is like pouring salt into an open wound.

Anyway, I first went home and visited a friend who was getting married. I stayed there for a few days extra, just because I really didn’t feel like going to my parents. It was inevitable, though, and I found myself sitting on the train feeling like utter shit. All the old, bottled up feelings I had neglected to feel for so long came to the surface. I felt myself cry a bit, and suddenly I realized I did not want to visit my parents. I had no reason to visit them at all. Well, except for christmas presents. As I realized this we were just approaching the last stop of the train before Gothenburg, and the train conductor said over the speakers that there had been a faulty explosion on the way, so the train couldn’t make it all the way to the last stop. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the striking connection of what had just happened.

I decided to go anyway, despite the blatantly obvious sign that I shouldn’t. A lot happened during the week I was home. I decided to go to Maren before christmas instead of after, and told my parets and sister.. Which caused mayhem, to say the least. I saw the mental abuse my father is doing to my little brother and snapped completely. I’ve never felt so angry in my entire life.. My entire body was pulsing with rage. I had a fight with my mother because she felt my spiritual behaviour and insights put her in a bad light in front of friends and family. All in all I realized that this is my biological family, but not a loving family that will accept me for who I am.

I also had a pretty vivid dream that I remember from my visit.
I was walking around in a huge city with some people. First we were doing what we always did, it seemed like home in some way.. Then we were planting explosives in various parts of the city, and meeting up with a helicopter. We got into a helicopter and hovered above the city. I saw the explosive devices go off and water flood the city. The buildings fell like cardboard.. In fact, it seemed like it was cardboard. One of the men in the helicopter turned and said “It’s props.”

The flood created a tropical island that we landed on. There was also a cruise boat there that had a lot of really advanced functions. Like trampolines that could take you from deck to deck and a set of screens connected to videocameras around the boat. I put my phone there and went on with setting explosives on the boat too. We did this and set off the timer. At 01:47 time left when I was safe on the island I realized I had forgotten my phone on the boat, so I ran to the boat in hopes of retrieving it and making it back before it blew up. I ran and jumped and ran and tried to bypass the hordes of panicking people.. I made it to the stern of the boat. A big open area. And then I heard the boom of the explosions going off. The boat toppled over completely, and I looked up at the ocean for a brief second before the boat went underwater.

I remember thinking that I had to take a really deep breath, or I wouldn’t make it. So I took the deepest breath I could right in time before going under, and tried to hold it for as long as I possibly could. The currents took me and I saw the surface long above me. After a while I couldn’t hold my breath anymore so I just had to let the old air out and breathe in as deep as I could. To my amazement I could breathe. I took one breath, and then I woke up.

How’s that for symbolism? Everything is an illusion. 🙂

So I went to my soulmate a week after first arriving at my parents, and things turned even more ugly. My ego has been trying to put labels on everything, including my relationship. I’ve been justifying myself through her, as I’ve done with all my relationships, and this is something I have to do alone. I need to find my own light. So now we’re broken up, and I know it’s the right thing. I’ve been getting a lot of signs lately, telling me to embrace all that is, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. It feels like shit right now, but I embrace it. Everything I experience is chosen by my higher self, conspiring in my favor. In love.