Archive for fear

More Than Words…

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2009 by freedomofnow

Almost a whole week since my last post. I would have written before, but I’ve been completely caught up in the energies of the past week. So much love has come in, and thus so much of the old has been pushed out, that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing. When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock, no dreams at all came to mind. I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my “wage” and it went very well. I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime. I came home around 4 or something, and had a chat with Ingerid on skype.  We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious. I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life. I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust, the sorrow that I didn’t trust love, and suddenly I realized that that’s what I had built my life around. A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn’t want to feel it. Once I had felt it completely, I wasn’t bound by it anymore.. Because what I AM is constant, unchanging, joyous, then all feelings are just experiences. I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play.

In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again. I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep. I lay down, closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now. Sleep came almost immediately. In my dream was Ingerid and John, sitting in front of me. Ingerid to the left, John to the right. I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up. I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before, but this time it was different. It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards, generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead. I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back, aswell as various points at my back. I relaxed slightly, and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful. Ingerid looked at me and said “Remember, it’s all you,” reassuringly, and I realized that I wasn’t going to die. I let go completely. The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely “full” in my forehead, I heard Ingerid say “now…” I closed my eyes. Suddenly there was an inaudible click, as if when a bubble bursts. I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision, originating where I felt the pressure. As the light spread outwards, spirals of white-golden garlands spread outwards. I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched. It was so beautiful I started crying.

As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those “in your face” significant ones, so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away. We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries, so I called John and told him about the dream. He said “That’s pretty simple. Your third eye is opening. C spot run.” I laughed and thanked him. It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before, but since the dream it has only been growing. The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again.

The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom. I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink, and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely. I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash, then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger. I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer. I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn’t zombified. I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed.

The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless. Like something important was about to happen. I looked at the time, it was 14:44. I couldn’t help but smile.I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger. I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different, and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before. I also realized that there was nothing I had to do. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, at precisely the right time.  I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them. This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation. The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word “shatter.” Like something old was breaking. The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed. I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn’t necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me, which made a lot of sense. It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed. The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains, and I finally went to sleep late that night.

Skipping forth until the night to the 15th, I had another one of those matiné dreams that just screamed of significance. I woke up and just started writing until I had all of it down.

I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations, and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely. I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us, and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there. I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right. Suddenly we all hit the floor, I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint. I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint. Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too. Ingerod told me there was always a trick, a key of sorts, to every instance like this. So we moved on right away, walked down through the open field where there was festivities. It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it. People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn’t mind and kept walking. We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet, and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn’t stand on its own, so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself. We went to the next house. We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us. There was a creaking sound almost immediately, and I remember having heard that before. It hit me that I had BEEN here before. Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room, and suddenly there was a woman there, She looked completely mad, her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger. She had 2 knives in her hands, walking from one end to another in the room, then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle. She was aiming at me. After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me, and I faced the woman and her knives on my own. She came directly at me no matter how fast I was at avoiding her, and I felt the knives cut at my left and right sides around the stomach. Ingerid came with wet blankets to clean the wound while I was still trying to dodge the woman. I had some kind of knife myself and when she had passed me I tried stabbing her. There was blood, but Ingerid said “Don’t hurt her.” I stopped, the woman went into one wall and came out another. I tried to hold her arms to stop her from cutting me but the blades kept slicing my flesh. She came from the right and the knives cut across my stomach. At first there was so much sweat that there were no wounds, but the knives went unrelenting back and forth. I noticed there weren’t any direct wounds, but the blood kept pouring. Ingerid was there with a wet napkin to stop the bloodflow. Suddenly light came through the window, and I saw another scene unfold. The woman and a man was holding eachother on the floor, and a sort of voice narrated that they were joined together in eternity. As the voice said this a beige old woven blanket wrapped around them and was all that was left. Suddenly me and Ingerid was on an open field, and Ingerid said to help her. I looked at what she was doing, and saw a short angry looking man and a slightly taller bald one in what looked like wizards robes. The short ones had stars on it, and the taller one was completely black. Next to them was a group of children. As Ingerid stood in front of them with arms open, what looked like a red veil was above them, like the tip of a fire. I held out my hands aswell and the 2 men in the robes got more and more frantic. I pushed but nothing seemed to happen, so I stopped. I looked at Ingerid and whatever she did seemed to work, so I held up my hands again and allowed whatever wanted to come to come, and the bigger man in a robe looked at me and said “Foreldre er sexualitet i denne verden!/Parents are sexuality in this world!” then he popped. Like a balloon. Immediately followed by the little one, and the veil of red was lifted from the children. It felt like it was done. Suddenly we were back in the barn again, surrounded by people. The locale suddenly felt clean, fresh and beautiful. I started crying uncontrollably from the sense of relief in me, and that’s when I woke up.

I got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing, and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping, so I went to meet up with her. As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready. All of the soul family was gathered, and it was a day filled with joy and laughter. Truly beautiful. I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious. The blue was Mary Magdalene, so it was healing. All the people in the end was all the aspects of me, all the roles I have played, that came home. Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still, and allow everything to flow.

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Awake in the Dream

Posted in Insights, My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2009 by freedomofnow

These past weeks have definitely turned out to be filled with some very strong symbolism. Everything in this existence is symbolic, but these times it’s like it’s been screaming at me. Almost 2 weeks ago I had a dream where I was back in my old city, and I met a young man and an old kind woman who I were both friends with. I was sitting down and talking to the man, and all of a sudden I noticed a loose scrap of skin on the side of my left foot. I reached down to peel it off and with a little effort it came loose. Then, like when you burn your skin in the sun, more and more just kept coming loose, up to the top of the foot. I suddenly saw that the skin that was coming off was really dark, almost black, while the skin underneath was almost completely white and smooth like babyskin. I looked up at my friend surprised and exclaimed, “I’m shedding skin!” He looked very happy for my sake, and I just kept pulling. More and more skin came off, pieces as big as a grocery shopping bag, more and more effortlessly as more and more skin came off.

The symbolism here was so clear I couldn’t miss it if it hit me in the face. What I perceived as dark in me is “shedding” or transforming into light.

The nights leading up to now has been either completely dreamless or a nightmarish mix of a mish-mash of different dreams seemingly unconnected. I’ve woken up with a sense of fear, horror and despair that has quickly dissipated. What’s very new is that so-called negative feelings don’t affect me anymore. I AM so much bigger, and my being seems unmoved by whatever feelings arise. There’s a sort of distance to everything. Like I can choose if it will affect me or not. I can choose to participate in the drama around me. Not that I do it, but the times it has happened I have felt just how dense they are. It’s like pulling a curtain over my perception, and taking in the various feelings associated with it.

I also realized that when this happened before, and things that needed releasing came up I was asking for it to be released from a sense of not wanting it. Like it was a bad thing. No wonder the resistance kept growing, I was actually feeding it. Now I just rest in my sense of Self, in a place of detachment, and things seem to move through me in its own time. It’s impossible to force the flow of life, and every experience is a blessing. Feelings are just feelings, no matter how they feel, and it’s pointless to resist them. They are there to show us something. They arise when we hit the wall of the limitations we have set up around ourselves. As we are really one infinite being, everything that puts a lid on infinity is something that we will eventually meet in our experience so that it may be released. No matter what feelings come, there’s a sense of wholeness, completeness. A trusting that everything is just perfect as it is, and with it an acceptance of each moment. I’m not looking to escape anymore, and it seems to bring with it a lot of smaller pains that pop up and go away constantly. If this is how much I have been feeling and sensing since I was born into this life it is no wonder I needed a cushion until now.

The snowball has definitely turned into an avalanche, and I have never felt so calm and at peace before, like I AM resting in the eye of the storm. I don’t have to seek anything anymore. I AM that which I have sought.

Go With the Flow.

Posted in Insights, My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2009 by freedomofnow

So.. What now? My mind has been trying to lure me into games of right and wrong, attack and defense, you and me for a week now, yet this silent vibrational sensation that is me keeps humming its peaceful, loving OM regardless of what is thought or felt. It is my unchanging true identity. In its presence, all illusions seem to dissipate into nothing. The day after my moving bike ride I would see series of 5s everywhere. 555, 5555, 55:55, etc. I asked Ingerid what this was, and she said it was freedom of the past, which felt very accurate.

I realized that enlightenment is such a loaded word. It seems to imply such a struggle, a striving towards something, when it is the complete opposite. It is the letting go and allowing what is to be that is true freedom. Enlightenment isn’t a personal experience. It may be at first, but once the eyes see from the perspective of the soul, then the thoughts that use to make up the identity lose their power.

We always struggle to fill the emptiness with whatever it may be that holds our attention at that moment, but what we fail to realize is that that very emptiness is you. Trying to fill the emptiness is the ego trying to bring substance to itself in a world where nothing is solid. The worst fear of the ego is to become nothing, because we think it will bring death to us, when in fact that death is what lets us see life as it truly is. From eyes that see joy, peace, love and freedom in everything comes the truest sensation of who we really are.

Everything you seek is already inside you, how can it be anywhere else? How can anything be outside of that which is absolute?

I AM.

The Sleeper Awakens part 1

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

I haven’t written since february.. Wow, that’s a long time, and with so much that has happened, this is going to be a long one.

I guess I’ll start with what happened right after my last post. I had just realized I was pissed off at myself instead of at Maren for mirroring my own feelings towards myself, but I still feared her like I fear death. This is because what I really fear in her, or what I really experience in her is rejection from my mother. This happens in just about everyone’s life in some form or another, and it is when we first let go of who we are. We take the dramatic incident as ours, we identify with it, and think we are not worthy of love. But love is what we are. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. The rejection was so terrifying for me, and along with my father in the picture, I have also taken a hatred towards women as my own, so that is what I am feeling right now. Hatred, and right below there lies the death of what I am not.

So some time later I started to talk to someone who had randomly added me to some social network I visit once every 3 months or so, and the connection was there right away. She lived in the states, and I was completely mesmerized by her. The feeling of being completely in love only lasted for a week or so, and during that time I realized that we fall in love to heal the wounds of our childhoods. It doesn’t sound very romantic, but not all relationships are meant to be forever. You cannot love another until you realize who you are. Until then, all relationships carry with them what you expect from others. The expectations and belief systems you have about the world is what will be brought to you in the relationships, and that is also what they are there to heal.

I am almost struggling to find the memory of what happens between then and now, because I am now in the present moment, and there is very little room for the worries of the past here. They only serve to shape what you expect of the future.. And thus actually shape your future.

Anyway, for about a month I had a relapse where I numbed myself out, distracted myself from the process, and played an online game that I hadn’t played for 5 years or whatnot. I felt the low energies in the place, and saw the people who had spent up to 50,000 hours online. That’s almost 5 years! I knew in myself I was stalling my growth. I didn’t have much contact with the outside world, and my attempts at being in touch with anyone turned out to be very dramatic at best.. Ingerid, being completely without ego, was the only one I really felt I could talk to, and she rarely – if ever – returned my calls. One night I got a hold of her, though, and she got a message straight from Source to me. Be wary of distractions. It couldn’t have been more clear, so I quit completely and continued to feel like shit all the time.

I decided to start seeing Ingerid as a patient to help heal the pain that I was carrying around, and in the beginning of april she told me that she would be able to have me start at the beginning of june. It felt like forever. 2 months! I knew that I had created this for myself, and that I was going to have to go through it myself.. I knew it all in my head, though, and the feelings that were there was completely different. Hate, impatience, fear, self loathing. The whole range of emotions that I had kept bottling up for all my life was now free to come back to me, and I could certainly feel it all.

At the beginning of may I had finally gotten the money I was supposed to have since november, and since I didn’t get them until may I had it backpayed too. I was very pleased with that, and with that an opportunity to reunite Ingerid with her twin flame arrived. John came, and suddenly there were 2 masters in my presence. My second conversation with John started a release in me that let me feel the peace of the present moment briefly, before it went away later that night to be replaced by the trauma of my past.

After a long wait june finally arrived, and it was time for my first session with Ingerid. When I arrived both Ingerid and John were sitting there. Ingerid had suggested over the phone earlier that we try something new, and so they were both going to do these sessions with me. John pointed out that I was the one who helped bring them together, and now I was the first one that they were going to have sessions – later called satsang – with. He then asked whether or not I thought this was coincidence? Needless to say I didn’t. It was still all in my head though. I had trained myself mentally into thinking what can be known from somewhere completely different. More about that later though. John explained that they saw me as a pioneer for this type of work that was going to be done, a lightworker. He then gave me the book “A Course in Miracles” that he had brought with him from Canada. Although my thoughts and feelings about myself didn’t exactly correspond with what he said, I found resonance in his words from deep within me. Someplace I hadn’t touched in what felt like forever.

Crying is Underrated.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2009 by freedomofnow

I just realized that this blog is written in part by my ego. Reading my last post there’s a large amount of justification by a little hurt inner child. The past week has been so full of synchronicities I want to get it down in writing. It’s almost funny.. when all this began I would freak out if this happened once a month or every two weeks and go talk about it to everyone constantly. Now I have come to the point where I just smile and know that it is as it should be.

To start with a piece of great news I’ve finally gotten my arse upp to the new city where I now reside. It’s a great place in the middle of Norway, located at the “mouth” of a fjord. Mountains lining both sides and a river going into the country. It’s beautiful. So I came up here and got settled in my new appartment, which is also very beautiful. Totally renovated except for the kitchen, flatscreen in the bedroom(that I haven’t used yet, but still!) and even a fridge with an ice machine! I was, and still am, extatic when I found the ice machine.

Me and Ingerid are starting a peace project where we’re going to host concerts, foto exhibitions amongst other things, to raise money for chilren worldwide. So a few months ago I get an email from a musician who had read this blog and wanted me to check out his music. Beautiful, beautiful music, so I sent it to my friend in Israel that I’ve mentioned in an earlier post. Anyway, he checks out the music and since it’s on MySpace, he looks at the friends of the musician, finds another musician that he said he felt a connection to and sent me her link. So I create a MySpace account and sent her an email describing the peace campaign and also mentioned my belief in coincidences; that there are none. She responded about a month later saying that she doesn’t believe in coincidences either and it turns out she’s very interested in the campaign, and she’s coming to Norway at the end of february! Very exciting times indeed.

So, I just listened to the “Releasing Soul Fear” channel by Kuthumi Lal Singh – I’ve also posted it under videos for those of you who are interested – a few days ago, and as it turns out on the 28th of January I finally realized that I had to stand on my own in this process and find my own light, and chose to fully accept what’s coming. The day after when I logged on facebook a chat dialog was opened as if someone was trying to contact me, so I thought I would beat them to it and said hi. It turns out they weren’t trying to contact me, and that person was crucial to the release of a lot of resentment towards my parents. I’ve never gotten a reading before.. and the first one was online.. It was very interesting. She told me to visualize the higher self of my parents, and visualize myself in a bubble of love, and tell them what came up of feelings. So I did, and all of a sudden waves of emotion hit me and I couldn’t help but cry. I’ve come to realize that crying is one of the best forms of healing. It’s acceptance and forgiveness of what has been, and fills up the darkness of hatred with love. Strangely enough both my parents called within 2 hours after that happened. They both wanted to see how I was doing.

The night before I heard Kuthumi’s channel I had this really heavy dream too. I was in my appartment and was heading out for some reason. It was evening. When I got out looked right above one of the mountain tops and saw a moon there, sort of hiding between the highest and next highest peaks. When I looked closer it looked like it split up in the middle, vertically, and the two parts slid open before me. I also saw a circle around it. Then a little bit above that moon was another moon, and much higher than the other two yet another! 3 moons in perfect alignment. I talked to Ingerid about what it could mean and she said it has to do with the femine returning to me, so that’s a great sign.

The past weeks have been really quiet for me. I haven’t really contacted anyone, and nobody’s contacted me. So I got a message from Maren asking where I’ve been. So I told her that I’d been in silence for the past weeks and she asked back if I had stayed inside feeling sorry for myself. I felt my frustration emerge. Anger. Hate, even. So I called her out on her prejudice and she denied it, making me even more angry. She also told me my ego was holding on and that I still wanted to be a victim. I was at my breaking point. I felt she was incredibly arrogant with me.

I’ve had this thing about arrogance all my life.. I just can’t stand it, and in retrospect you become that which you condemn. Back to the story at hand I felt my frustration and anger grow to the point where I didn’t really know what to do with myself. So I tried shushing it, so to speak, I tried embracing it, accepting it.. and yet my ego came back and got that frustration going. It was like that until this morning, when Maren sent me a message asking why I never contacted her and how angry I really was with her.. So I tried explaining in a message, but I know all I experience is my own creation. The outside world is a mirror of the world inside me.. But it’s so convenient to blame it on someone! To give your powers away. So I was stuck in the middle. The battle between acceptance and ego, and I felt emotions start swelling up. It got to the point where I said “I can’t take it anymore.” and I let go. I let what is, be. It felt like I was hanging by a rope above a chasm, and let go. In the moment where I let go completely I realized that it is not Maren I’m angry with. It’s not her I resent. It’s myself. It’s my own resentment that is manifested, that I’m experiencing. That realization sent me into tears. I cried, hulking, I don’t even know for how long. I cried until I had no more tears, and suddenly the dreadful feeling I had had within me was replaced with a sense of bliss. Like a a rush of love had come to replace the resentment I had held on to for so long. I felt 20 kilos lighter, like the weight of the world had lifted from my chest.

Just when it seems the darkest around you, that’s where you’ll find your brightest light – inside yourself.

Vibration?

Posted in Videos with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2008 by freedomofnow

I think everyone who has delved 1 second into the spiritual have heard of “increasing your bodily vibrations.” The first time I heard it, I thought to myself “What? How do I do that?” And I got the answer: Just be happy.

So I did some research to really figure out what it means.. And I realized it all boils down to two key feelings, in the entire universe. Love, and fear. Sure, it all branches out in various feelings like anger, anxiety on one end, and grattitude, happiness on the other. Two feelings that define the outcome for you in any situation you’ll ever face. Love, or fear? So how does this affect us? What does it mean?

I’ll let you watch this, and we can continue this after it’s sunk in.

See how the lower vibration manifests a very simple pattern? This directly affects the genetic structure of your body. It’s even proven that when you’re upset your intelligence drops a score or twenty! The result is then, that anger lowers your capability to make sound decisions. I learned this the hard way.

Now, increase the vibration, and you see the most beautiful patterns emerge. This higher vibration, again, directly affects your gene pool.. So what does that mean?

So what happens to us when we let ourselves express grattitude, for example, is that our bodily vibrations start to shape a more complex geometric vibrational pattern, thus unlocking more genetic codes for us to experience. In essence, more spiritual abilities for you to enjoy.

Once you realize that fear can only bring you down. Limit you on your journey to enlightenment, the picture becomes so much more clear.

Listen to your heart, and your body, for that is the language of your soul. Your soul and body – and everything else in the entire universe actually – is a part of god. You. Are. God.

That means, if something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it! That is extremely important.

On the other hand, if somethings resonates, do it. But do it for the right reasons! Do it for you.