Archive for experience

Emotional Honesty

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by freedomofnow

Another week has gone by, filled with connected moments. Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing, and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th. She immediately said “But your body needs protein!” and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up. After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come. I sat still and felt anger come, then a fear also reported itself to my awareness. I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it. I felt my “I AM” presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body, the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM. I let the feeling play out, and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers’ love. I looked at this fear, and at the same time I felt my “I AM” presence around it, and after some time the fear melted into this “I AM” and became that. I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words, profound peace in my entire being. I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions. This is a so-called release. Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up, listen to what they say, and then they will go and leave you in peace.

Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid, but instead we spent the day just hanging out. Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers’ company through the day. That didn’t stop the feelings from coming, though, and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself. I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up. I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection. I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years. It was so true. I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat. Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going, like an upside down waterfall running through me.

We stayed till late that night and watched the movie “Pretty Woman” and then John drove me home. As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top. I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon. He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon, and it was suddenly very clear why. The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth, thereby affecting our life here on the planet. This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey. It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it. As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid, and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1,- krone lying on the ground. I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them. As I showed it to John, he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom. I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me.

As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren. Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her, and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that. As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards, and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up. John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are. I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming, and so we kept digging deeper. Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren. To lessen the anger. Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night, and not just one, an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going. I noticed 7 of them. They jumped across the road one by one, but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them. This immediately struck me as significant, and John agreed. So he asked me what they were, but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it. They were innocent. They showed me that despite what I may think, I am innocent and pure. The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before.

What had happened on the way home with John, both the conversation and the symbolism, had had a very profound impact on me, so when I got home I went to bed right away. I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my “I AM” presence. Ingerids words echoed “You still haven’t forgiven, or the anger wouldn’t keep coming back.” I had felt something shift today, so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life, and now I didn’t need it anymore. I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely.

That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car, and it was a school where everyone carried guns. We met a short, skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry. He was also very triggerhappy, so he started to shoot after me. He hit me a couple of times in my upper body, just missing vital organs like lungs and heart, and he hit me once in the left part of my head. I walked up to the guy, and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands. I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together, and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him. He looked perplexed and his gun-arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets, but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched, and I never let my hands waver. I saw the profound effect this had on him and said “This is who you really are,” and I closed my eyes. He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes. Then I started crying a whole lot, and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital. I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up. I saw this gold-red-yellow-blue-green and white – all at the same time – light coming down in front of me, but nothing happened.. Then I woke up.

I woke up as the sun was setting the following day, and I immediately felt some turbulence there. I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything. The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness. Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered. I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed. Then I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, like there was no going back to the old ways. It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before. Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up, and I welcomed them with open arms. Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely. I remembered having felt like that as a child, but not since. I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break.

When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours. I had a shower and sat down to check my email, and the first email I read was “I believe God wants you to know” from Neale Donald Walsch. It said:

On this day of your life, Martin, I believe God wants you to know…
..that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may
be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so
much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as
much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this
juncture if that’s what’s happening. Don’t hang on so
tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is
that you can pick up only the pieces that you want…

…and you know exactly why I told you this today…

Love, Your Friend….
Neale

This hit home so profoundly, and I realized that’s what was happening. I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn’t have my anger to protect me anymore, and it was okay. It is okay to let everything fall apart. As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face. All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came, and it was okay.

This is such a contrast from where I have come from it’s almost indescribable. I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all. I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings, and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced. This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence, and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it.

Go With the Flow.

Posted in Insights, My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2009 by freedomofnow

So.. What now? My mind has been trying to lure me into games of right and wrong, attack and defense, you and me for a week now, yet this silent vibrational sensation that is me keeps humming its peaceful, loving OM regardless of what is thought or felt. It is my unchanging true identity. In its presence, all illusions seem to dissipate into nothing. The day after my moving bike ride I would see series of 5s everywhere. 555, 5555, 55:55, etc. I asked Ingerid what this was, and she said it was freedom of the past, which felt very accurate.

I realized that enlightenment is such a loaded word. It seems to imply such a struggle, a striving towards something, when it is the complete opposite. It is the letting go and allowing what is to be that is true freedom. Enlightenment isn’t a personal experience. It may be at first, but once the eyes see from the perspective of the soul, then the thoughts that use to make up the identity lose their power.

We always struggle to fill the emptiness with whatever it may be that holds our attention at that moment, but what we fail to realize is that that very emptiness is you. Trying to fill the emptiness is the ego trying to bring substance to itself in a world where nothing is solid. The worst fear of the ego is to become nothing, because we think it will bring death to us, when in fact that death is what lets us see life as it truly is. From eyes that see joy, peace, love and freedom in everything comes the truest sensation of who we really are.

Everything you seek is already inside you, how can it be anywhere else? How can anything be outside of that which is absolute?

I AM.

The Sleeper Awakens part 2

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by freedomofnow

The first session consisted mostly of talk about this, and how the process is as long as we choose it. We can choose to be free right now, a concept that seemed unbelievable to me at the time. We also dug into some feelings and let me confront my father, which felt like a huge blessing. I was so light when I came home, and this time it didn’t go away until the day after. Again, I blamed myself for going back into the drama.

The second session would prove to be exponentially more efficient. We were talking about the “process” and how it can be as short as we want, and whether or not I was ready to let everything go. I didn’t feel very ready, but I said yes anyway. My ego said yes. My head wanted to know. I was talking about a dream I had had when Ingerid stopped me and said I had an entity that was feeding on my energies. I felt a wave of horror creep through me, as if I had been discovered stealing from he cookie jar when I was little. I realized that this was the entity conveying emotions to me. The cord that connected us was the width of a wrist. When the usual size of these cords are threads, the influence it had on me gets pretty clear. All my negative emotions had seemed so incredibly dominant. John said that with a cord that thick it had most likely been with me for several lifetimes. Ingerid said we had to join our efforts to ask it to leave, so she sat next to John and we all closed our eyes. I pictured myself with this huge wirecutter cutting the cord, and after a while Ingerid said “It is done. How do you feel?”

I felt incredibly weird. Lightheaded, dizzy, almost like falling mid-air. I explained it to her and she said it was the entity and its energies leaving my body. I started to feel light. A sense of bliss came over me, and it was as if a waterfall of light poured into my head. I felt like I was about to burst with happiness, and yet I was very calm and relaxed. I went out to listen to the sound of a waterfall nearby.. Smell the flowers. Just relax.

What happened in the following sessions is kind of blurry, but the second to last session at the time of writing was a very powerful one. The session before I had gotten a lot of anger towards my father triggered, and that left me feeling utterly hopeless. That was how my father made me feel when I was little, but again the rage covered it. So Ingerid and John were talking yet again about the process and how we can choose any moment to wake up. Then Ingerid found a video of Mooji on youtube with a woman that was very much the same as me.

I have always tried to get a quick fix for everything, but Mooji also speaks about a stepless awakening. That one step is already one step too much.

Watching the last video I realized that the quick fix I had been trying to get outside of myself was useless. The quick fix was what I already was, and the thought of letting go is already one thought too much. So I felt complete acceptance in me. Complete surrender, and with it a cold feeling in my stomach wallowing up, the fear being released effortlessly. At the same time I felt this blissful feeling come over me. I looked at Ingerid and said, do you see this? And she just nodded with a loving smile. I sat still and just felt it. I felt light, joyful, free! I was free!

The day before this I had had to put down 2 of my cats because they were too afraid. I had gotten another cat from Maren and a cat who had been missing for a month had come back too. It was a very dysfunctional night, to say the least. I stayed up until 5am cleaning catpee from my bed, and such. So I made the decision to set the 2 sisters free. This was of course me letting my own fears go, and the session with Ingerid the day after definitely confirmed this.

Before the next session I had moved out to Maren. Her roommate had just moved out and when she asked me it felt very right, so I said yes. It was quite the change to get up at 8-9 in the morning instead of 11-2 that I had been used to. I was absolutely beat in the morning and had to fight with myself to even get out of bed.

Then came the day of the session with Ingerid and John. This day me and Ingerid was sitting outside talking while John made us toast for breakfast. Well, lunch for me but breakfast for them. I was laying my heart on the table for Ingerid about things I was feeling ashamed of. Things that I had discussed with Maren during the week that I felt needed “resolving.” So a lot of my hatred, worry and fear was triggered. I felt numb, as children numb themselves out to not have to deal with the pain that the rejection from their parents bring. I was completely apathetic. I told Ingerid about this and she explained the emotional scale for me, and said that the numbness was right below apathy.. And so I said that it felt like the apathy was within the numbness. She asked me to go back to the numbness, because that was God, so I did.

I felt the numbness. Suddenly it wasn’t just numb. It was warm, gentle, firm, and numb. I sank into it. I embraced it and let it embrace me. I felt the apathy within it, held like a little baby in the loving arms of the mother. I couldn’t feel my where my body began and ended anymore. I was more than my body. I looked at this glass on the table, and suddenly that was all I could see. I close my eyes. I felt huge. I couldn’t feel an end to me, I was just this infinite nothingness.

When I had found words to speak again we went outside, and this feeling of bliss was still with me. It was me! I felt me in everything. I realized everything came from this nothing. This nothing was all there was! Ingerid told me I looked completely changed, and I felt completely changed too. The present moment has become the greatest gift in the world. It is all that is, I AM all that is. I AM life itself.

After this experience all my worries feel like they have gone away. I spent the next 3 days channeling Source. Channeling is such a weird word. What it feels like for me is inviting insights into my life. After the insights have arrived they stick. They change me. They become me, and I them. And they come not from the head, they just arrive in my being.

What a beautiful creation we are living. Our beliefs create what we perceive, and yet we are always embraced, always loved. It is impossible to not be love, because it is our essence.

I now know that my awakening is going to be a book. I want to be more of what I AM, inspire more, love more. Into infinity.

Words from Source:

If you ask for my help, I have already helped you. What you ask for has already been given.

Manifesting love is instant. Giving is receiving.

A heart without conditions gives infinitely, loves infinitely.

You choose your experiences.

Invite me into your life, for I am everything and everyone, including you.

Your thoughts about everything is your thoughts about yourself, for you created all of it.

I AM the absolute truth.