Archive for emperor

11:11:11.. Again?!

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past week has certainly been interesting. I woke up on the 29th november, another 11:11:11 portal, feeling like complete crap. I had slept very uneasily, and my stomach was in severe pain. So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet… Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening, and night, kneeling over the toilet. Such a lovely night, emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals. At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling. Eventually around 4am I hadn’t had to “go” for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed. I brought a bucket to be sure, and water. Ah, precious water. I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain, like it was growing out of itself. Really weird feeling. My mouth would go dry every 5-10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water, turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5-10 minutes and repeat the process. After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so.. I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop, refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed. The day went by pretty quickly. I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before. I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt, and I’ve put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before. The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am. At last I slept through the entire night, and I didn’t wake up until half past 1 the day after.

I felt so rested, I woke up with a smile, my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me. After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were, and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes. It was satsang day, and I felt ready for whatever that would come. I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn’t let her go still. I decided to bring it up with Ingerid because I wanted to set her free. Set myself free. Ingerid responded that feeling love is a very good thing, it is only my mind that tells me that I shouldn’t feel love because it’s over and whatnot. It was very clear that she was right, and a sensation of gratitude arose in me. I was grateful for being able to feel love for someone else, and it felt ok. I felt this stinging pain in the back of my head and neck, and I asked her what it meant. She told me that it was “hard-necked” belief systems being released. Loving someone despite not being in a relationship with them, being able to give love to someone without having them return the favor. We then talked about the release that had been going on the past days and that it was a lower chakra cleaning, and Ingerid invited me to dive deep into them to go into what was there, so we talked about how I felt about my father. I was terrified to wrong him, because he had absolute total control over me. He could end my existence, and I fully believed that. Ingerid said that there was my vengeful god image, my father as I had placed as the rule of a vindictive god. I had been joyous and spontanous as a child, and it had often been met with 50/50 reactions of either laughter or anger. He would roar to get his will across, and everytime I felt so afraid I couldn’t move. Ingerid said that this is what happens when freedom and joy comes into the life of tyrants, it scares them. Then a sense of distance came up. I felt that I had to distance myself because I didn’t know if I was going to get a reaction of approval or anger from him. All my life I had taken a backseat to myself, and because I was so utterly terrified of my father, I did everything to please him. I even acted like him, because that’s how I finally got approval. All this from feelings that was now being released. Ingerid asked me where my mother was in all this, and I couldn’t see her. She just wasn’t there. I felt this white-hot glowing anger at my mother. I was angry with her for not standing up for me, for not being there when I was violated. That’s why I’ve never trusted women, and that’s why I’ve drawn all these unreliable women to me throughout my life. All the itching pain and emotions that were coming up felt like a flood, and yet I felt so calm and grateful at the same time.

After a while John came in with toast, and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating. After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness, a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies. She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies. Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared, sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours. I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in, and she said that Mary Magdalene was there. It wasn’t the first time, in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang. First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so, then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in, which wasn’t the case.. At least not in the same sense as before. Mary then said that I didn’t need that help anymore, because I was so good at releasing by myself, which felt very humbling. She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect. She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose. Nothing is “wasted.” So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart.

During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling. This warm, loving embrace that didn’t care what the circumstances were. Everything was okay, everything was okay.. This maternal, unconditional love. It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here.

So much information was passed through by Mary that I can’t put it all here, but we all had a very exciting evening, and at the end of it we watched “The Game” with Michael Douglas. Extremely good movie, and so full of symbols. It really is beautiful. As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang. I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up. He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ, or one Christ to this earth, and so she is the symbol of purity. The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am “worthy.” Not that I’ve ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed, but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM, in fact, worthy. This is very profound, was John’s words. I felt the same.

After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away. I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep. I woke up the day after as it was getting dark. I looked at the time and it was 4pm, so I decided to head to town to get some food. I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad, so I mixed some salad from the salad-bufet at the grocery store and headed home. The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead, and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air. I came home, watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking. She’s conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control, and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me. Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us, so what is playing out is merely the “darkness” being pushed up by the light. It is already healed. The answer provokes the question, as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before, it was all so clear to me now. That’s why acceptance is so important. A wave of calm came over me, and I felt completely content with the present moment. Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so, and I can accept it all in peace now.

A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor. I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring, or half a crown. It has a crown on one side, and immediately it struck me as incredibly important. I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown. The rule of control is over. John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man, 5 being man and 10 being Source. I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself, but in a totally different way. It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is, also abundance on all levels. I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels, because I AM abundance, and now it will show in all my manifestations.

I feel so in touch with my emotions.. With my presence. I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life! I just love being right here, and right now. I realize my life is one of service, and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy.

Back to Source.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2009 by freedomofnow

Love is the essence of who we are.

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything. After my profound, wordless experience with the infinite I had a couple of days of complete freedom, and then hit the deepest sense of hopeless emptiness that I have ever felt. I had never felt it before that time, and it struck me like a frying pan to the face with its sense of despair. Everything became an effort, even getting out of bed. The world was grey, tasteless. I found some comfort in teachings of Mooji, Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, etc. Some moments of stillness where I felt myself expanding, but this feeling held me back. I could not get past it, and I did not know why. I would go into the feeling and poke at it with my attention, accept it, ask for help releasing it.. It even affected Maren – who I was living with – and her child. He would go into these screaming fits and after he had released what he had in him he would point at me and tell Maren I was very angry. It was true, I was extremely angry. The world owed me for all the things it had put me through, and for what I was feeling at the moment.

And then in the beginning of september it was time for a session with Ingerid and John. I came there and my expectations of a similar experience from last time were quickly let down by the pace of things.. It was a day of observing, but within me I screamed for validation. I was justified in my sense of hopelessness. I left there that night with a reality check, and the next day I realized that I had chosen to believe in the drama, in the feelings of hopeless desperation.. The days passed and turned into weeks, and I still felt trapped. I was told to let go, to give up, and all the signs pointed towards death and rebirth. Maren connected with her twin flame, and I painfully realized I had not given up on the two of us at all. In addition to everything else I was feeling there was a deep sense of abandonment aswell. Then late september I realized I had to move out, so I went looking for an appartment.. About an hour later Maren called to tell me the same thing, so we had an agreement. I found this cozy small ground-level appartment with a big window facing a forest and the mountains. Maren gave me the last cat of the batch that she was originally going to keep, so now I had 3 loving cats with me.. I was surrounded by love, but I didn’t feel it.

I moved in the 1st october. I had realized that there was no point resisting what would come anymore, that clinging on to my ego and its ideas only brought me pain and suffering. By then I had come to the point where I said “I give up,” and “I surrender” several times daily, and also several times per hour I would pray to be free because the pain felt overwhelming.

Last wednesday I gave Ingerid a call, I don’t remember why, but she had just come out of a major channeling and wave of new energy, so when she picked up she said that I obviously was supposed to take part in that too. We talked for about 30 minutes, and then we hung up. Almost immediately I heard this rumbling outside, so I looked out, and right outside my window an avalanche roared down the mountain. A quite striking symbol of things falling.

Then this tuesday it was finally time for a session with Ingerid and John again, and I had a feeling of something growing.. A sensation of something big about to happen. On the morning before I left for Ingerid’s place I prayed that this be the day I would “get it.” I felt quite calm in my chaos, like someone had put a muffler between me and it. I met Ingerid in town and we bought breakfast before we went to her place to start the session.

Once we got there I told her about a dream I had had where I was holding a speech about Atlantis, and we talked about previous lives. I mentioned I had an affiinity for china and martial arts, and her eyes went wide as she said “You’ve been a samurai!” And she started getting messages and images from my previous lives.

I was the brother of the emperor a long time ago in china, but because I was too naive and soft I was not chosen for the role of emperor, so I became a samurai. Not for the purpose of war, but as a bodyguard to the emperor. There was a garden that I loved, and I would train for hours every day in it. Also on the smooth polished stone stairs to the emperor there was a patio(?) with a magnificent view where I would train. Then I was deceived and everything got taken from me, but because I was so naive I did not understand what was happening until it was too late. My brother had deceived me – and when Ingerid said this John immediately got a vision of my brother in that life being my father in this one. The sorrow I felt was so deep that I didn’t even try to fight to keep it, I just left everything behind and walked away from it all.

Straight from that life to Russia. I was a man in a power position. I had everything, but I didn’t care. I lived a life of vodka, and used women. Not in a cruel way, but just because I didn’t care. The emptiness I felt was so great. Ingerid also got a vision of that being the life where I started searching. Like being in a deep forest and searching for the rays of sun breaking the crowns of the trees. Then her eyes went wide again, and she explained “Do you know how you died in that life?!” It turned out I wanted out so bad that I had paid someone to take my life, but because I was afraid of dying I wanted them to do it when I least expected it. I had taken these energies with me past death, and that was what I had been feeling of late. I actually felt a sense of pride of the way that I chose to go the last time. If you’re going to go, might aswell go with a bang, eh?

After that life I had been on another planet. I asked Ingerid if that’s why I had an affinity to Mars, and she got shivers as I did.. John explained that sometimes when the pain is too deep we go to some interdimensional place to create a buffer for that kind of feelings until we are ready to face them.. And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was why I hadn’t felt. I had chosen not to feel until I was ready to take on the pain of my past lives. What Ingerid told me rang so true, and it correlated so much with experiences and feelings I had had throughout my entire life. I recognized the dreadful anticipation and fear of my life in russia, the enormous sense of loss and abandonment from my life in china, and suddenly I felt a sense of peace deep in my stomach. Ingerid was told that I had had enough for that time, and we called it a day. They drove me to town because they had some grocery shopping to do. As we walked into the store I felt very wobbly in my knees, and suddenly it hit me.. “I am in Source.” I looked at Ingerid and she just smiled knowingly and said that she could tell. When I rode my bike home things had taken on a new sparkle. There was a new sense of depth to everything I saw.

That night I dreamt that I was chasing a girl through a labyrinth for a very long time, and when I finally caught up to her, nothing was as it seemed. I woke up feeling very refreshed around noon the day after, looked at my phone, and it seemed that my ex had called me. My dark night of the soul-ex. I rang her up and it immediately struck me that this was some sort of full circle closure. I felt only gratitude for what we had experienced together, and the same deep sense of peace was still with me from yesterday.

After we spoke I decided to get up and make breakfast. Even though I felt peaceful I had a sense of distress in me. I decided to go for a bike ride. I didn’t know exactly why, but I felt compelled to ride a route I hadn’t taken before. The road led me up a mountain pass. The wind was against me and it was slightly uphill, but I felt that I had to go.. Besides, the trip back was going to be very smooth I told myself. After an hour and a half I made it to the end of the road and a mail-truck drove past me to the last house on the road. I asked the mail-woman if the road continued ahead and she told me it did stopped just up the hill, so I decided to keep going. The last part of the road was a 2 kilometer rise at about 20-30 degree angle. It was so bad I had to stop about 50 meters before making it all the way. I looked back and saw the landscape stretch down all the way to the sea past the harbour of the city, it was very beautiful so I took some pictures, and then I decided to push my bike the rest of the way up the road. The vision that met me when I finally reached the top made me realize why I had taken the trip. I stood on huge rocks covered with soft moss, looking at mountains on the right, snow clad mountains on the left and a forest in autumn colors framing in a large, placid mountain lake. At that moment I felt love surround me, embrace me. It was so overwhelming that I cried. Tears of happiness running down my face. It was just so beautiful. I had never cried because of happiness before. Crying used to be reserved for “weak” people, but this time I let it all come.

I sat there, looking out on the beautiful landscape for about an hour before I decided to head back. I felt so light, like all the worries of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Every single cell in my body was – and still is – vibrating with a sense of peace, joy, love and freedom like I never knew was possible. A deep sense of love, love for myself, for the first time that I can remember. I finally realize what all the teachings mean when they say “Stay as the observer.” Now whenever some feeling come, regardless of what it is, I just rest with my love for myself, and it flows through me by itself.

I AM that I AM.