Archive for embrace

Emotional Honesty

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by freedomofnow

Another week has gone by, filled with connected moments. Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing, and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th. She immediately said “But your body needs protein!” and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up. After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come. I sat still and felt anger come, then a fear also reported itself to my awareness. I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it. I felt my “I AM” presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body, the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM. I let the feeling play out, and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers’ love. I looked at this fear, and at the same time I felt my “I AM” presence around it, and after some time the fear melted into this “I AM” and became that. I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words, profound peace in my entire being. I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions. This is a so-called release. Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up, listen to what they say, and then they will go and leave you in peace.

Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid, but instead we spent the day just hanging out. Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers’ company through the day. That didn’t stop the feelings from coming, though, and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself. I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up. I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection. I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years. It was so true. I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat. Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going, like an upside down waterfall running through me.

We stayed till late that night and watched the movie “Pretty Woman” and then John drove me home. As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top. I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon. He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon, and it was suddenly very clear why. The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth, thereby affecting our life here on the planet. This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey. It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it. As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid, and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1,- krone lying on the ground. I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them. As I showed it to John, he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom. I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me.

As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren. Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her, and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that. As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards, and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up. John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are. I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming, and so we kept digging deeper. Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren. To lessen the anger. Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night, and not just one, an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going. I noticed 7 of them. They jumped across the road one by one, but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them. This immediately struck me as significant, and John agreed. So he asked me what they were, but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it. They were innocent. They showed me that despite what I may think, I am innocent and pure. The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before.

What had happened on the way home with John, both the conversation and the symbolism, had had a very profound impact on me, so when I got home I went to bed right away. I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my “I AM” presence. Ingerids words echoed “You still haven’t forgiven, or the anger wouldn’t keep coming back.” I had felt something shift today, so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life, and now I didn’t need it anymore. I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely.

That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car, and it was a school where everyone carried guns. We met a short, skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry. He was also very triggerhappy, so he started to shoot after me. He hit me a couple of times in my upper body, just missing vital organs like lungs and heart, and he hit me once in the left part of my head. I walked up to the guy, and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands. I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together, and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him. He looked perplexed and his gun-arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets, but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched, and I never let my hands waver. I saw the profound effect this had on him and said “This is who you really are,” and I closed my eyes. He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes. Then I started crying a whole lot, and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital. I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up. I saw this gold-red-yellow-blue-green and white – all at the same time – light coming down in front of me, but nothing happened.. Then I woke up.

I woke up as the sun was setting the following day, and I immediately felt some turbulence there. I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything. The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness. Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered. I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed. Then I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, like there was no going back to the old ways. It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before. Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up, and I welcomed them with open arms. Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely. I remembered having felt like that as a child, but not since. I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break.

When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours. I had a shower and sat down to check my email, and the first email I read was “I believe God wants you to know” from Neale Donald Walsch. It said:

On this day of your life, Martin, I believe God wants you to know…
..that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may
be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so
much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as
much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this
juncture if that’s what’s happening. Don’t hang on so
tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is
that you can pick up only the pieces that you want…

…and you know exactly why I told you this today…

Love, Your Friend….

This hit home so profoundly, and I realized that’s what was happening. I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn’t have my anger to protect me anymore, and it was okay. It is okay to let everything fall apart. As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face. All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came, and it was okay.

This is such a contrast from where I have come from it’s almost indescribable. I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all. I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings, and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced. This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence, and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it.


I AM what I AM.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past days have been filled with messages, and I’ll get to that, I just had to get this down right away. I just read through some blogs that I’ve been following, including Patrice Julien’s blog. I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said: I AM WHAT I AM. This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids’ place. Also the past days have been filled with similar signs, as I’ll describe in detail. Anyway, I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that “I AM” speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen, and he ends with quoting the song “I AM WHAT I AM” by Gloria Gaynor. While I’m reading this I am watching the tv series “Two and a half men” which I find very funny, as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan.. And in the end, guess what? Berta’s sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans’ mother, singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor! I was struck speechless.

Okay so let me back up a few days. To the 25th to be more exact. I had another movie marathon of dreams. I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video. It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji, and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then. So that night one of the “scenes” were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit. I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it, but the chance never arose. The meaning is pretty clear though. Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food, and since I couldn’t be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley. I had the key-ring-coin-lookalike-key ready, but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose. It was free from its chains, unattached. Free. I asked to be shown the meaning of this, but I already knew the answer. It was very obvious.

The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful. I remembered having a dream, and the feeling of that dream lingered. It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt, so I asked to be shown the dream I had had. I usually do this if there’s any details of dreams that I’m uncertain of, and they usually “pop up” almost immediately. This time, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just that sense of despair, fear, horror and sorrow. A little bundle of love. I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4-5 hours, waking up at around 3pm. I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before, and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked, so I went in and got my bike. As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete, and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day. I put it back and went to the store, and encountered the same free roaming trolley again. I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping, and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK. 144 being the number of completion, I couldn’t help but laugh. I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter, and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries.

When I got home and checked my computer John was online, so I asked him about the symbols, and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant. John verified this.

Friday came, and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit, when the “I AM what I AM” was very obvious. No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after “I AM what I AM” either. Anyway, they were talking about their day, and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through. We also talked about just how profound the new energy is. Before when beings ascended, their bodies would “leave” this earthly existence as the being ascended, but now we can do what they did while still being in this body. That is why so many so-called masters are coming back to experience these times with us. I explained that I had had some dreams about sex the past nights, and John said that was a good sign. I carry some dark sexual energies with me still that apparently seem to start to come up finally. Then Ingerid asked me if I could do some stuff for her blog. Suddenly this feeling of.. something.. welled up in me, and my knees felt wobbly. Not in the fuzzy peaceful way this time. It felt dark, controlling, angry and panicked. Right after Ingerid got a sign that she was protected, held safe to make sure that what was going to come would make it all the way. After a while they were leaving, and I felt I needed to get out for a bit so I walked them to their car. I still had no idea what this feeling was telling me, but it still felt very intense. I was obvioulsy supposed to get whatever they brought that night, so I let it be and went to bed. I had a sex dream that night again, so it definitely feels like something is moving.

The next day, saturday, I asked Ingerid how they were doing, and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day. I was still feeling panicky frightened. I felt this uncertainty, like I didn’t know what was going to happen. It felt like I was completely letting go of control.. And there it was! It was so clear! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control. I embraced the uncertainty, and suddenly a wave of relief came over me. It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future. This was what I experienced yesterday aswell. Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth. Freedom is complete surrender, the sacred emptiness.. That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control. But not so much so that we don’t want to surrender. This was exactly how I felt. I rested in the moment, fell deeper and deeper into it. It was so liberating, with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful.

Changes feel very much exponential. The more we free ourselves, the more darkness can be “shook up” by the light that comes through the next time.. Why worry about what might be, when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? 🙂

Chaos in Motion.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2008 by freedomofnow

Before a great vision can become reality there may be difficulty. Before a person begins a great endeavor, they may encounter chaos. As a new plant breaks the ground with difficulty, foreshadowing the huge tree, so must we sometimes push against difficulty in bringing forth our dreams.

“Out of Chaos, Brilliant Stars are Born”

A lot has happened since my last update. So much, so ground breaking, I’m not sure I’ll be able to put it down in understandable words. In the days coming up to when I was going to my soulmate, I felt a lot of tension build up, and 2 days before I found myself reading a channeled message that said all the lower energies could no longer be fed. They were locked, so to speak, and all that could happen was experiencing their release. Releasing energies is reliving the feeling of the event. Having bottled up my feelings for the past 27 years, I’ve done a lot of releasing lately. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The next day, my boss woke me up by calling me and saying I wouldn’t get any commission that month because of bad results. I felt disappointed, hurt, betrayed.. I had counted on that money to make all my payments and being able to visit my soulmate. Now I had to prioritize. Naturally the choice was made in my favour. Nothing was going to stop me from seeing Maren.

A bit later in the day I spoke to Marens mother, Ingerid, over the phone and she adviced me to read the channeling I’d already been given. The cosmos works in wondrous ways, eh?

So anyway, my friend who I had been living with right after separating called to square up for the last time, and I told him I wasn’t sure how much I was able to give him in addition to a sum we’d agreed was the minimum. He said ok, and suddenly we were cut off. A minute later or so a woman he’d been living with called me from his phone, and I knew what was coming. I speak of her in my awakening post below, but a few lines about her wouldn’t hurt. She’s got ADHD, which is the biggest joke of a disease you can be diagnosed with. She has anger issues, which really roots with her father, and like me she had been in an extremely violent relationship. Only her had lasted for the past 3 years, so one can wonder what she thinks of herself. Anyway, she dished out what a terrible friend I was and how I was responsible for their having to hide for the weekend because they had borrowed money from some bad people. It ended with her threatening to come tear my head off, and though I doubted she would do it, I was very set off by what she said. My heart was pounding, racing with fear.

My ex girlfriend was coming over later to give me a suitcase and some clothes she had since we were living together, and I decided to unload all my frustration in regards to our separation. I felt I was the one who got the short end of the stick, in various aspects. So she came over, and I got the chance to finally tell her how I felt about everything. I also found out that she had been cheating on me for the last 2 months of our relationship.. not that I was surprised, but I was hurt and I told her. In retrospect I realize I held a lot of anger back, but it was a first step.

After she’d gone I just laid on my bed and stared at my roof for.. I don’t know how long.. time just disappeared. I laid there, and felt all my feelings, just felt them come. Suddenly I felt the urge to get out and walk, so I went to the local gas station to get some Snus. All I did was breathe. Long, deep breaths of air.. I felt my mouth curl up more and more into a crying fashion.. Then when I was walking home again I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.. I tried to pick it up but I was 1 second late. It turns out it’s the stepfather of my ex girlfriend. Safe to say, he’s my fear of death manifested in a person, and I only had to look at the phone and see he was he one who called to feel it.

Terrified, I walked the last steps up to my house and walked up to my appartment. When I got to my room, my mother called. I had called her the night before and we had fought for a bit, so I was scared to confront her again. When we spoke this time, though, she was so understanding and comforting I felt my defenses break and I cried.. The kind where you just disappear into the emotions coming out of you.. For about 20 seconds. I thought I was done.. My defenses were up again. I thanked my mother for the talk and we hung up.

The day after I woke up 5 minutes before my alarm clock and rushed so fast down to the bus. I was finally on the way! The trip was filled with a nerve wrecking sensation of anxiety on and off for 14 hours. The last switch, called Oppdal, Ingerid came to pick me up, which was a great relief.

So as to not go into too much detail.. The almost two weeks I was there were, well.. let’s just call it bittersweet. I thought I was “done” and ready to live life happily forever, but it turns out I was intellectually arrogant to the point where it was ugly. So Maren and Ingerid made the process short and effective and didn’t accept anything from my ego, which was very frustrating. I realized this is what ground beef must feel like while it’s being ground.

Fast forwarding a few weeks to the beginning of december I was going to Sweden to visit my parents. I had both looked forward to it and dreaded it at the same time. Mostly because I finally understood how poisonous my parents behaviour really were. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good people, but they’re limited by their belief systems like everybody else. Only difference is I chose them for this life to push me into enlightenment. Going there is like pouring salt into an open wound.

Anyway, I first went home and visited a friend who was getting married. I stayed there for a few days extra, just because I really didn’t feel like going to my parents. It was inevitable, though, and I found myself sitting on the train feeling like utter shit. All the old, bottled up feelings I had neglected to feel for so long came to the surface. I felt myself cry a bit, and suddenly I realized I did not want to visit my parents. I had no reason to visit them at all. Well, except for christmas presents. As I realized this we were just approaching the last stop of the train before Gothenburg, and the train conductor said over the speakers that there had been a faulty explosion on the way, so the train couldn’t make it all the way to the last stop. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the striking connection of what had just happened.

I decided to go anyway, despite the blatantly obvious sign that I shouldn’t. A lot happened during the week I was home. I decided to go to Maren before christmas instead of after, and told my parets and sister.. Which caused mayhem, to say the least. I saw the mental abuse my father is doing to my little brother and snapped completely. I’ve never felt so angry in my entire life.. My entire body was pulsing with rage. I had a fight with my mother because she felt my spiritual behaviour and insights put her in a bad light in front of friends and family. All in all I realized that this is my biological family, but not a loving family that will accept me for who I am.

I also had a pretty vivid dream that I remember from my visit.
I was walking around in a huge city with some people. First we were doing what we always did, it seemed like home in some way.. Then we were planting explosives in various parts of the city, and meeting up with a helicopter. We got into a helicopter and hovered above the city. I saw the explosive devices go off and water flood the city. The buildings fell like cardboard.. In fact, it seemed like it was cardboard. One of the men in the helicopter turned and said “It’s props.”

The flood created a tropical island that we landed on. There was also a cruise boat there that had a lot of really advanced functions. Like trampolines that could take you from deck to deck and a set of screens connected to videocameras around the boat. I put my phone there and went on with setting explosives on the boat too. We did this and set off the timer. At 01:47 time left when I was safe on the island I realized I had forgotten my phone on the boat, so I ran to the boat in hopes of retrieving it and making it back before it blew up. I ran and jumped and ran and tried to bypass the hordes of panicking people.. I made it to the stern of the boat. A big open area. And then I heard the boom of the explosions going off. The boat toppled over completely, and I looked up at the ocean for a brief second before the boat went underwater.

I remember thinking that I had to take a really deep breath, or I wouldn’t make it. So I took the deepest breath I could right in time before going under, and tried to hold it for as long as I possibly could. The currents took me and I saw the surface long above me. After a while I couldn’t hold my breath anymore so I just had to let the old air out and breathe in as deep as I could. To my amazement I could breathe. I took one breath, and then I woke up.

How’s that for symbolism? Everything is an illusion. 🙂

So I went to my soulmate a week after first arriving at my parents, and things turned even more ugly. My ego has been trying to put labels on everything, including my relationship. I’ve been justifying myself through her, as I’ve done with all my relationships, and this is something I have to do alone. I need to find my own light. So now we’re broken up, and I know it’s the right thing. I’ve been getting a lot of signs lately, telling me to embrace all that is, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. It feels like shit right now, but I embrace it. Everything I experience is chosen by my higher self, conspiring in my favor. In love.