Archive for crown

Emotional Honesty

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by freedomofnow

Another week has gone by, filled with connected moments. Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing, and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th. She immediately said “But your body needs protein!” and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up. After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come. I sat still and felt anger come, then a fear also reported itself to my awareness. I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it. I felt my “I AM” presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body, the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM. I let the feeling play out, and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers’ love. I looked at this fear, and at the same time I felt my “I AM” presence around it, and after some time the fear melted into this “I AM” and became that. I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words, profound peace in my entire being. I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions. This is a so-called release. Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up, listen to what they say, and then they will go and leave you in peace.

Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid, but instead we spent the day just hanging out. Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers’ company through the day. That didn’t stop the feelings from coming, though, and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself. I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up. I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection. I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years. It was so true. I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat. Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going, like an upside down waterfall running through me.

We stayed till late that night and watched the movie “Pretty Woman” and then John drove me home. As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top. I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon. He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon, and it was suddenly very clear why. The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth, thereby affecting our life here on the planet. This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey. It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it. As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid, and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1,- krone lying on the ground. I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them. As I showed it to John, he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom. I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me.

As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren. Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her, and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that. As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards, and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up. John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are. I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming, and so we kept digging deeper. Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren. To lessen the anger. Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night, and not just one, an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going. I noticed 7 of them. They jumped across the road one by one, but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them. This immediately struck me as significant, and John agreed. So he asked me what they were, but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it. They were innocent. They showed me that despite what I may think, I am innocent and pure. The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before.

What had happened on the way home with John, both the conversation and the symbolism, had had a very profound impact on me, so when I got home I went to bed right away. I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my “I AM” presence. Ingerids words echoed “You still haven’t forgiven, or the anger wouldn’t keep coming back.” I had felt something shift today, so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life, and now I didn’t need it anymore. I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely.

That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car, and it was a school where everyone carried guns. We met a short, skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry. He was also very triggerhappy, so he started to shoot after me. He hit me a couple of times in my upper body, just missing vital organs like lungs and heart, and he hit me once in the left part of my head. I walked up to the guy, and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands. I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together, and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him. He looked perplexed and his gun-arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets, but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched, and I never let my hands waver. I saw the profound effect this had on him and said “This is who you really are,” and I closed my eyes. He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes. Then I started crying a whole lot, and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital. I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up. I saw this gold-red-yellow-blue-green and white – all at the same time – light coming down in front of me, but nothing happened.. Then I woke up.

I woke up as the sun was setting the following day, and I immediately felt some turbulence there. I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything. The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness. Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered. I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed. Then I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, like there was no going back to the old ways. It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before. Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up, and I welcomed them with open arms. Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely. I remembered having felt like that as a child, but not since. I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break.

When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours. I had a shower and sat down to check my email, and the first email I read was “I believe God wants you to know” from Neale Donald Walsch. It said:

On this day of your life, Martin, I believe God wants you to know…
..that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may
be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so
much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as
much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this
juncture if that’s what’s happening. Don’t hang on so
tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is
that you can pick up only the pieces that you want…

…and you know exactly why I told you this today…

Love, Your Friend….
Neale

This hit home so profoundly, and I realized that’s what was happening. I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn’t have my anger to protect me anymore, and it was okay. It is okay to let everything fall apart. As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face. All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came, and it was okay.

This is such a contrast from where I have come from it’s almost indescribable. I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all. I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings, and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced. This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence, and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it.

Advertisements

11:11:11.. Again?!

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past week has certainly been interesting. I woke up on the 29th november, another 11:11:11 portal, feeling like complete crap. I had slept very uneasily, and my stomach was in severe pain. So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet… Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening, and night, kneeling over the toilet. Such a lovely night, emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals. At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling. Eventually around 4am I hadn’t had to “go” for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed. I brought a bucket to be sure, and water. Ah, precious water. I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain, like it was growing out of itself. Really weird feeling. My mouth would go dry every 5-10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water, turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5-10 minutes and repeat the process. After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so.. I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop, refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed. The day went by pretty quickly. I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before. I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt, and I’ve put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before. The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am. At last I slept through the entire night, and I didn’t wake up until half past 1 the day after.

I felt so rested, I woke up with a smile, my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me. After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were, and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes. It was satsang day, and I felt ready for whatever that would come. I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn’t let her go still. I decided to bring it up with Ingerid because I wanted to set her free. Set myself free. Ingerid responded that feeling love is a very good thing, it is only my mind that tells me that I shouldn’t feel love because it’s over and whatnot. It was very clear that she was right, and a sensation of gratitude arose in me. I was grateful for being able to feel love for someone else, and it felt ok. I felt this stinging pain in the back of my head and neck, and I asked her what it meant. She told me that it was “hard-necked” belief systems being released. Loving someone despite not being in a relationship with them, being able to give love to someone without having them return the favor. We then talked about the release that had been going on the past days and that it was a lower chakra cleaning, and Ingerid invited me to dive deep into them to go into what was there, so we talked about how I felt about my father. I was terrified to wrong him, because he had absolute total control over me. He could end my existence, and I fully believed that. Ingerid said that there was my vengeful god image, my father as I had placed as the rule of a vindictive god. I had been joyous and spontanous as a child, and it had often been met with 50/50 reactions of either laughter or anger. He would roar to get his will across, and everytime I felt so afraid I couldn’t move. Ingerid said that this is what happens when freedom and joy comes into the life of tyrants, it scares them. Then a sense of distance came up. I felt that I had to distance myself because I didn’t know if I was going to get a reaction of approval or anger from him. All my life I had taken a backseat to myself, and because I was so utterly terrified of my father, I did everything to please him. I even acted like him, because that’s how I finally got approval. All this from feelings that was now being released. Ingerid asked me where my mother was in all this, and I couldn’t see her. She just wasn’t there. I felt this white-hot glowing anger at my mother. I was angry with her for not standing up for me, for not being there when I was violated. That’s why I’ve never trusted women, and that’s why I’ve drawn all these unreliable women to me throughout my life. All the itching pain and emotions that were coming up felt like a flood, and yet I felt so calm and grateful at the same time.

After a while John came in with toast, and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating. After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness, a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies. She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies. Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared, sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours. I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in, and she said that Mary Magdalene was there. It wasn’t the first time, in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang. First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so, then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in, which wasn’t the case.. At least not in the same sense as before. Mary then said that I didn’t need that help anymore, because I was so good at releasing by myself, which felt very humbling. She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect. She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose. Nothing is “wasted.” So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart.

During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling. This warm, loving embrace that didn’t care what the circumstances were. Everything was okay, everything was okay.. This maternal, unconditional love. It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here.

So much information was passed through by Mary that I can’t put it all here, but we all had a very exciting evening, and at the end of it we watched “The Game” with Michael Douglas. Extremely good movie, and so full of symbols. It really is beautiful. As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang. I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up. He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ, or one Christ to this earth, and so she is the symbol of purity. The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am “worthy.” Not that I’ve ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed, but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM, in fact, worthy. This is very profound, was John’s words. I felt the same.

After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away. I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep. I woke up the day after as it was getting dark. I looked at the time and it was 4pm, so I decided to head to town to get some food. I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad, so I mixed some salad from the salad-bufet at the grocery store and headed home. The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead, and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air. I came home, watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking. She’s conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control, and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me. Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us, so what is playing out is merely the “darkness” being pushed up by the light. It is already healed. The answer provokes the question, as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before, it was all so clear to me now. That’s why acceptance is so important. A wave of calm came over me, and I felt completely content with the present moment. Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so, and I can accept it all in peace now.

A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor. I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring, or half a crown. It has a crown on one side, and immediately it struck me as incredibly important. I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown. The rule of control is over. John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man, 5 being man and 10 being Source. I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself, but in a totally different way. It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is, also abundance on all levels. I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels, because I AM abundance, and now it will show in all my manifestations.

I feel so in touch with my emotions.. With my presence. I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life! I just love being right here, and right now. I realize my life is one of service, and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy.