I came into this life as a child. Innocent, joyous, playful and vulnerable. My first encounter with drama proved to be so believable I took it as my own. Because the feeling told me I was not enough, it must be true. So real, this illusion.

The search for acceptance started early. In truth I was searching for love. Searching for me. The path turned darker and darker as the search went on. Every hurtful remark, every thought filled with self loathing. In the end even the pain had some twisted comfort to it. The darkness seemed so real.. How could it not be what it was?

Then the esoteric hit me in the face like a frying pan. I suddenly felt that there was more than I could experience with my 5 senses. There was another sense, one I had discredited early on, and lost due to self-conviction. Everything suddenly had meaning. My head went busy uncovering new bits and pieces of information that would fill the void, and my heart showed me the way through resonance. I went through belief after belief, even conspiracies, feeling fulfilled in the convincing of my surroundings. I would save myself through saving others!

Another frying pan hit me. This time I was face to face with my ego. Oh, what a big ego it was. I am my thoughts. I am my body. What happens to me is the fault of others. Limitations upon limitations keeping me sleeping. The dreamstate status quo can only work so long, I was tired of the drama, but the pain of releasing my ego seemed too much to bare. Too much pain that had been locked away in the hope of never seeing it. Ignorance proved to be a bliss until this moment.

Almost 2 months ago I started seeing an awakened couple with the purpose of burning away my ego. Much frustration and crying followed. The first sessions kept getting exponentially better, releasing an energy leeching entity and allowing the first hopelessness I experienced to surface. I felt lighter and lighter after every time, until yesterday..

As with most times I was laying my heart on the table and talking about the things that I had been condemning myself about for all my life. My weight, losing hair, things like that. And suddenly a numbness arose in me. I felt nothing, grey sort of.. Apathy. So I was told that the numbness is the lowest of the feelings, and that right above it comes apathy. To me the apathy existed within the numbness, and when I told that I was told to go back to the feeling. I did, and I was then told that that was god, but that we have all these preconceived notions about what god is, and how it is supposed to feel like.

I kept feeling the numbness, and suddenly I couldn’t feel my arms anymore.. I felt like more than my arms, like I was expanding past the borders of my body. I looked at a glass on the table, and suddenly it was all I saw. Nothing else existed in my vision. I felt myself expanding upwards, downwards, in and out.. I felt the apathy within this fuzzy feeling, whatever it was. It was held like a baby, embraced, and it went away without effort. I sank into this fuzzy feeling, it enveloped me completely. I felt like a little baby laying in a cradle of this fuzzy, warm, gentle feeling. That feeling WAS me. I closed my eyes and breathed. I was no longer my body.. I could feel it, but it wasn’t me. I was so much more. I was infinite. I was nothing, and yet I was everything. I was all around my body, still breathing through my mouth. The air felt so good.

When I looked outside it was as though I had just gotten new eyes. The landscape hit me with its wondrous beauty. I just stood and stared at it. I saw god in everything. I felt me in every leaf and every mountain top, even the people had a new glow to them. It all came from that gentle, warm nothingness.

The present moment has become the biggest blessing in the world for me. The beauty and freedom of complete acceptance is indescribable. I know who I AM now. I AM that which everything springs from, I AM life itself.


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