Awake in the Dream

These past weeks have definitely turned out to be filled with some very strong symbolism. Everything in this existence is symbolic, but these times it’s like it’s been screaming at me. Almost 2 weeks ago I had a dream where I was back in my old city, and I met a young man and an old kind woman who I were both friends with. I was sitting down and talking to the man, and all of a sudden I noticed a loose scrap of skin on the side of my left foot. I reached down to peel it off and with a little effort it came loose. Then, like when you burn your skin in the sun, more and more just kept coming loose, up to the top of the foot. I suddenly saw that the skin that was coming off was really dark, almost black, while the skin underneath was almost completely white and smooth like babyskin. I looked up at my friend surprised and exclaimed, “I’m shedding skin!” He looked very happy for my sake, and I just kept pulling. More and more skin came off, pieces as big as a grocery shopping bag, more and more effortlessly as more and more skin came off.

The symbolism here was so clear I couldn’t miss it if it hit me in the face. What I perceived as dark in me is “shedding” or transforming into light.

The nights leading up to now has been either completely dreamless or a nightmarish mix of a mish-mash of different dreams seemingly unconnected. I’ve woken up with a sense of fear, horror and despair that has quickly dissipated. What’s very new is that so-called negative feelings don’t affect me anymore. I AM so much bigger, and my being seems unmoved by whatever feelings arise. There’s a sort of distance to everything. Like I can choose if it will affect me or not. I can choose to participate in the drama around me. Not that I do it, but the times it has happened I have felt just how dense they are. It’s like pulling a curtain over my perception, and taking in the various feelings associated with it.

I also realized that when this happened before, and things that needed releasing came up I was asking for it to be released from a sense of not wanting it. Like it was a bad thing. No wonder the resistance kept growing, I was actually feeding it. Now I just rest in my sense of Self, in a place of detachment, and things seem to move through me in its own time. It’s impossible to force the flow of life, and every experience is a blessing. Feelings are just feelings, no matter how they feel, and it’s pointless to resist them. They are there to show us something. They arise when we hit the wall of the limitations we have set up around ourselves. As we are really one infinite being, everything that puts a lid on infinity is something that we will eventually meet in our experience so that it may be released. No matter what feelings come, there’s a sense of wholeness, completeness. A trusting that everything is just perfect as it is, and with it an acceptance of each moment. I’m not looking to escape anymore, and it seems to bring with it a lot of smaller pains that pop up and go away constantly. If this is how much I have been feeling and sensing since I was born into this life it is no wonder I needed a cushion until now.

The snowball has definitely turned into an avalanche, and I have never felt so calm and at peace before, like I AM resting in the eye of the storm. I don’t have to seek anything anymore. I AM that which I have sought.

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