The Sleeper Awakens part 1

I haven’t written since february.. Wow, that’s a long time, and with so much that has happened, this is going to be a long one.

I guess I’ll start with what happened right after my last post. I had just realized I was pissed off at myself instead of at Maren for mirroring my own feelings towards myself, but I still feared her like I fear death. This is because what I really fear in her, or what I really experience in her is rejection from my mother. This happens in just about everyone’s life in some form or another, and it is when we first let go of who we are. We take the dramatic incident as ours, we identify with it, and think we are not worthy of love. But love is what we are. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. The rejection was so terrifying for me, and along with my father in the picture, I have also taken a hatred towards women as my own, so that is what I am feeling right now. Hatred, and right below there lies the death of what I am not.

So some time later I started to talk to someone who had randomly added me to some social network I visit once every 3 months or so, and the connection was there right away. She lived in the states, and I was completely mesmerized by her. The feeling of being completely in love only lasted for a week or so, and during that time I realized that we fall in love to heal the wounds of our childhoods. It doesn’t sound very romantic, but not all relationships are meant to be forever. You cannot love another until you realize who you are. Until then, all relationships carry with them what you expect from others. The expectations and belief systems you have about the world is what will be brought to you in the relationships, and that is also what they are there to heal.

I am almost struggling to find the memory of what happens between then and now, because I am now in the present moment, and there is very little room for the worries of the past here. They only serve to shape what you expect of the future.. And thus actually shape your future.

Anyway, for about a month I had a relapse where I numbed myself out, distracted myself from the process, and played an online game that I hadn’t played for 5 years or whatnot. I felt the low energies in the place, and saw the people who had spent up to 50,000 hours online. That’s almost 5 years! I knew in myself I was stalling my growth. I didn’t have much contact with the outside world, and my attempts at being in touch with anyone turned out to be very dramatic at best.. Ingerid, being completely without ego, was the only one I really felt I could talk to, and she rarely – if ever – returned my calls. One night I got a hold of her, though, and she got a message straight from Source to me. Be wary of distractions. It couldn’t have been more clear, so I quit completely and continued to feel like shit all the time.

I decided to start seeing Ingerid as a patient to help heal the pain that I was carrying around, and in the beginning of april she told me that she would be able to have me start at the beginning of june. It felt like forever. 2 months! I knew that I had created this for myself, and that I was going to have to go through it myself.. I knew it all in my head, though, and the feelings that were there was completely different. Hate, impatience, fear, self loathing. The whole range of emotions that I had kept bottling up for all my life was now free to come back to me, and I could certainly feel it all.

At the beginning of may I had finally gotten the money I was supposed to have since november, and since I didn’t get them until may I had it backpayed too. I was very pleased with that, and with that an opportunity to reunite Ingerid with her twin flame arrived. John came, and suddenly there were 2 masters in my presence. My second conversation with John started a release in me that let me feel the peace of the present moment briefly, before it went away later that night to be replaced by the trauma of my past.

After a long wait june finally arrived, and it was time for my first session with Ingerid. When I arrived both Ingerid and John were sitting there. Ingerid had suggested over the phone earlier that we try something new, and so they were both going to do these sessions with me. John pointed out that I was the one who helped bring them together, and now I was the first one that they were going to have sessions – later called satsang – with. He then asked whether or not I thought this was coincidence? Needless to say I didn’t. It was still all in my head though. I had trained myself mentally into thinking what can be known from somewhere completely different. More about that later though. John explained that they saw me as a pioneer for this type of work that was going to be done, a lightworker. He then gave me the book “A Course in Miracles” that he had brought with him from Canada. Although my thoughts and feelings about myself didn’t exactly correspond with what he said, I found resonance in his words from deep within me. Someplace I hadn’t touched in what felt like forever.

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