Crying is Underrated.

I just realized that this blog is written in part by my ego. Reading my last post there’s a large amount of justification by a little hurt inner child. The past week has been so full of synchronicities I want to get it down in writing. It’s almost funny.. when all this began I would freak out if this happened once a month or every two weeks and go talk about it to everyone constantly. Now I have come to the point where I just smile and know that it is as it should be.

To start with a piece of great news I’ve finally gotten my arse upp to the new city where I now reside. It’s a great place in the middle of Norway, located at the “mouth” of a fjord. Mountains lining both sides and a river going into the country. It’s beautiful. So I came up here and got settled in my new appartment, which is also very beautiful. Totally renovated except for the kitchen, flatscreen in the bedroom(that I haven’t used yet, but still!) and even a fridge with an ice machine! I was, and still am, extatic when I found the ice machine.

Me and Ingerid are starting a peace project where we’re going to host concerts, foto exhibitions amongst other things, to raise money for chilren worldwide. So a few months ago I get an email from a musician who had read this blog and wanted me to check out his music. Beautiful, beautiful music, so I sent it to my friend in Israel that I’ve mentioned in an earlier post. Anyway, he checks out the music and since it’s on MySpace, he looks at the friends of the musician, finds another musician that he said he felt a connection to and sent me her link. So I create a MySpace account and sent her an email describing the peace campaign and also mentioned my belief in coincidences; that there are none. She responded about a month later saying that she doesn’t believe in coincidences either and it turns out she’s very interested in the campaign, and she’s coming to Norway at the end of february! Very exciting times indeed.

So, I just listened to the “Releasing Soul Fear” channel by Kuthumi Lal Singh – I’ve also posted it under videos for those of you who are interested – a few days ago, and as it turns out on the 28th of January I finally realized that I had to stand on my own in this process and find my own light, and chose to fully accept what’s coming. The day after when I logged on facebook a chat dialog was opened as if someone was trying to contact me, so I thought I would beat them to it and said hi. It turns out they weren’t trying to contact me, and that person was crucial to the release of a lot of resentment towards my parents. I’ve never gotten a reading before.. and the first one was online.. It was very interesting. She told me to visualize the higher self of my parents, and visualize myself in a bubble of love, and tell them what came up of feelings. So I did, and all of a sudden waves of emotion hit me and I couldn’t help but cry. I’ve come to realize that crying is one of the best forms of healing. It’s acceptance and forgiveness of what has been, and fills up the darkness of hatred with love. Strangely enough both my parents called within 2 hours after that happened. They both wanted to see how I was doing.

The night before I heard Kuthumi’s channel I had this really heavy dream too. I was in my appartment and was heading out for some reason. It was evening. When I got out looked right above one of the mountain tops and saw a moon there, sort of hiding between the highest and next highest peaks. When I looked closer it looked like it split up in the middle, vertically, and the two parts slid open before me. I also saw a circle around it. Then a little bit above that moon was another moon, and much higher than the other two yet another! 3 moons in perfect alignment. I talked to Ingerid about what it could mean and she said it has to do with the femine returning to me, so that’s a great sign.

The past weeks have been really quiet for me. I haven’t really contacted anyone, and nobody’s contacted me. So I got a message from Maren asking where I’ve been. So I told her that I’d been in silence for the past weeks and she asked back if I had stayed inside feeling sorry for myself. I felt my frustration emerge. Anger. Hate, even. So I called her out on her prejudice and she denied it, making me even more angry. She also told me my ego was holding on and that I still wanted to be a victim. I was at my breaking point. I felt she was incredibly arrogant with me.

I’ve had this thing about arrogance all my life.. I just can’t stand it, and in retrospect you become that which you condemn. Back to the story at hand I felt my frustration and anger grow to the point where I didn’t really know what to do with myself. So I tried shushing it, so to speak, I tried embracing it, accepting it.. and yet my ego came back and got that frustration going. It was like that until this morning, when Maren sent me a message asking why I never contacted her and how angry I really was with her.. So I tried explaining in a message, but I know all I experience is my own creation. The outside world is a mirror of the world inside me.. But it’s so convenient to blame it on someone! To give your powers away. So I was stuck in the middle. The battle between acceptance and ego, and I felt emotions start swelling up. It got to the point where I said “I can’t take it anymore.” and I let go. I let what is, be. It felt like I was hanging by a rope above a chasm, and let go. In the moment where I let go completely I realized that it is not Maren I’m angry with. It’s not her I resent. It’s myself. It’s my own resentment that is manifested, that I’m experiencing. That realization sent me into tears. I cried, hulking, I don’t even know for how long. I cried until I had no more tears, and suddenly the dreadful feeling I had had within me was replaced with a sense of bliss. Like a a rush of love had come to replace the resentment I had held on to for so long. I felt 20 kilos lighter, like the weight of the world had lifted from my chest.

Just when it seems the darkest around you, that’s where you’ll find your brightest light – inside yourself.

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2 Responses to “Crying is Underrated.”

  1. hi i havent read many of your blogs, but the idea of nothing is just coincidence, and you starting up an art programme for raising money, and being in norway is crazy amazing! i was emailing my half brothers’ mum (who lives in oslo) just a couple days ago, about when we do plan to visit again this summer (july/august 09) if there is anything photographic, artistic I could get involved with whilst im visiting..
    i study photography here in swansea, south wales, uk.. anywho I would love to help and get involved even if for a short while this summer, if you are still doing it and you are looking for someone else to help out?

    thanks!

  2. confused by the email i get from wordpress about being able to receive replies, so just in case, if you do wish to reply to my post, my email is annalize51@hotmail.com
    cheers!

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