An awakening.


It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve had a lot on my mind. In retrospect, I realize it was for good reason.

How to begin? The last 3 weeks I’ve had some 20-25 minutes to spare every day going to and from work, so I’ve spent them meditating. It’s sort of lifted my spirits, work has gone better, and I’ve been generally in a better mood. Joking with people at work, etc.

Then last sunday things really got weird. It’s important to know that I recently re-connected with a friend I haven’t spoken to in a few years. Someone I only know from the internet, though the strength of the friendship has been as strong as any other, and we’ve had a lot of the same interests over the years.

I’ve also missed my mother a lot lately, so we’ve been speaking some over the phone. So this sunday I really open up to her and share with her my interpretation of my situation. That usually gets very “spiritual” when I talk with friends so I’ve only felt true about opening up to my healing mentor earlier, if anyone. Anyway, I tell her everything that’s been going on with me lately, and she understands everything from a spiritual point of view.

Karma has really been giving me the shaft lately when I was around certain people, and the last peak was my birthday. I had the most horrible day, which ended quite tragic (without going into further detail :p).. So I tell my mother everything for the first time in my life, and she acted so loving and supporting I was awestruck. I don’t think I’ve told my mother that I love her so many times in one phonecall and meant it every single time. Anyway, I told her that I felt like I was waiting for something, and she said “Perhaps what you wait for is not what you seek” and that strengthened the feeling even more. I remember telling her that I would be proud to be half the person she was.

With that feeling in me almost bringing me to tears I go down to talk to one of the people I live with currently that I’d had a huge fight with earlier. That is to say, I’m fucked financially right now, and living with a friend while being unable to pay the rent. Naturally she got very upset.
Anyway, we talk and she gets everything out in the open. Things that usually got me on the defensive didn’t even affect me, but the truth of her words and what she said went straight to the heart. I realized how I’d been acting, and saw everything for what it really was. I realize I had deserved everything.

We became friends again, as friends do, and I shared the talk I had had with my mother. While I was telling her I remembered that babies choose their mothers. I chose my mother for this life, and I have chosen her for all my lives before this one. That filled me with such a sense of humility and compassion I have never experienced before. The last time I remember this sense of extacy was either on extacy or in my early childhood. You know, when everything was new and exciting and you had no problems.

I sat on the sofa while the other people were moving stuff and watching tv, and suddenly I just fell into meditation. This one was REALLY heavy. Normally I see a light blue-ish or green hue or point with flashes of light. This one looked like northern lights. Violet flows of energy and brilliant white flashes. When I woke up I felt complete. I feel complete.

Anyway, about 11:30 that evening I logged on to find my newly reconnected friend going to bed. I scream at him to hold and tell him I’ve had an epiphany. That’s the only word possible to describe the true magnitude of the experience.
So he waits, and listens as a true friend. Then he drops the bomb on me. At the same time as I’ve been struggling with mine, he’s been dealing with the exact same hardships! EXACTLY! We’ve never met, but talked about it many many times, we’ve discovered healing (granted with a 4 year difference, but that’s the reason we haven’t met in person yet) on our own, and now we awaken to the conclusion of our emotional hardships at the same time.

This is beyond weird, but I’ve long since realized there are no coincidences.
Even as I wrote this I’m listening to the last part of the latest documentary that’s incited my interest.
The last part of it is describing what I think has happened to me. “The dark night of the soul.”

My last thoughts on this is that I’ve lived the last 1.5 years running myself in the ground. I’ve crushed my ego by gaining weight, existing in an incredibly destructive relationship. I’ve never given up, because I’ve felt like I didn’t have a choice. I had to do it. I used to be a manager at a phone company, and I gave up my leader position. I’ve stripped myself down to my bare soul, and what remains is only love. Love for everything, and everyone in existence.

I wrote a poem to my mother. I felt I had to get something written on this.
In all my lives
You were always there
Like an angel
Guarding me
Comforting me
Holding me
Inspiring me
Loving me
I owe you everything I was, am and always will be.
Mother.

I almost forgot! I was also at my healing mentor, and she said I had a tremendous block in my heart chakra. This was saturday. One day before all of this happened.. Anyway, she healed me for about 30 minutes. Then I healed her a bit, we had a joint and I went home later. My healing feels like a dense pulsing flow of energy usually. I visited her again on monday. We took her 2 dogs for a walk and visited her hotspot. Great energy point locally that physically vibrates. She used to tell me I couldn’t go until I was ready. So we were there. Incredibly humbling, and with the natural extacy ride I’m on I was literally extatic. :p

So I healed her later that night, and my energy flow has changed dramatically. She said she wasn’t sure how it felt because she could not determine where she ended and I began!
When I got home I tried a new healing trick with the friend I live with at the moment.

He sat on the couch and I was on the other side of a table, just asking for protection and guidance, and opening my arms wide. Immediately, my hands were on fire and I felt my right lung burn immensely. After just standing still for like 40 minutes and we were finished he said he felt better in his lungs. Particularly his right.

These are amazing times we live in. Having this experience is no less than miraculous, and every day since sunday I thank the universe for being alive.

For those who know me previously, no I’m not insane. I just realized what life is about. 🙂

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