More Than Words…

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2009 by freedomofnow

Almost a whole week since my last post. I would have written before, but I’ve been completely caught up in the energies of the past week. So much love has come in, and thus so much of the old has been pushed out, that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing. When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock, no dreams at all came to mind. I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my “wage” and it went very well. I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime. I came home around 4 or something, and had a chat with Ingerid on skype.  We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious. I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life. I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust, the sorrow that I didn’t trust love, and suddenly I realized that that’s what I had built my life around. A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn’t want to feel it. Once I had felt it completely, I wasn’t bound by it anymore.. Because what I AM is constant, unchanging, joyous, then all feelings are just experiences. I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play.

In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again. I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep. I lay down, closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now. Sleep came almost immediately. In my dream was Ingerid and John, sitting in front of me. Ingerid to the left, John to the right. I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up. I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before, but this time it was different. It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards, generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead. I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back, aswell as various points at my back. I relaxed slightly, and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful. Ingerid looked at me and said “Remember, it’s all you,” reassuringly, and I realized that I wasn’t going to die. I let go completely. The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely “full” in my forehead, I heard Ingerid say “now…” I closed my eyes. Suddenly there was an inaudible click, as if when a bubble bursts. I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision, originating where I felt the pressure. As the light spread outwards, spirals of white-golden garlands spread outwards. I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched. It was so beautiful I started crying.

As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those “in your face” significant ones, so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away. We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries, so I called John and told him about the dream. He said “That’s pretty simple. Your third eye is opening. C spot run.” I laughed and thanked him. It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before, but since the dream it has only been growing. The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again.

The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom. I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink, and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely. I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash, then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger. I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer. I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn’t zombified. I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed.

The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless. Like something important was about to happen. I looked at the time, it was 14:44. I couldn’t help but smile.I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger. I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different, and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before. I also realized that there was nothing I had to do. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, at precisely the right time.  I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them. This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation. The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word “shatter.” Like something old was breaking. The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed. I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn’t necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me, which made a lot of sense. It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed. The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains, and I finally went to sleep late that night.

Skipping forth until the night to the 15th, I had another one of those matiné dreams that just screamed of significance. I woke up and just started writing until I had all of it down.

I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations, and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely. I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us, and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there. I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right. Suddenly we all hit the floor, I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint. I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint. Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too. Ingerod told me there was always a trick, a key of sorts, to every instance like this. So we moved on right away, walked down through the open field where there was festivities. It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it. People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn’t mind and kept walking. We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet, and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn’t stand on its own, so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself. We went to the next house. We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us. There was a creaking sound almost immediately, and I remember having heard that before. It hit me that I had BEEN here before. Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room, and suddenly there was a woman there, She looked completely mad, her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger. She had 2 knives in her hands, walking from one end to another in the room, then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle. She was aiming at me. After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me, and I faced the woman and her knives on my own. She came directly at me no matter how fast I was at avoiding her, and I felt the knives cut at my left and right sides around the stomach. Ingerid came with wet blankets to clean the wound while I was still trying to dodge the woman. I had some kind of knife myself and when she had passed me I tried stabbing her. There was blood, but Ingerid said “Don’t hurt her.” I stopped, the woman went into one wall and came out another. I tried to hold her arms to stop her from cutting me but the blades kept slicing my flesh. She came from the right and the knives cut across my stomach. At first there was so much sweat that there were no wounds, but the knives went unrelenting back and forth. I noticed there weren’t any direct wounds, but the blood kept pouring. Ingerid was there with a wet napkin to stop the bloodflow. Suddenly light came through the window, and I saw another scene unfold. The woman and a man was holding eachother on the floor, and a sort of voice narrated that they were joined together in eternity. As the voice said this a beige old woven blanket wrapped around them and was all that was left. Suddenly me and Ingerid was on an open field, and Ingerid said to help her. I looked at what she was doing, and saw a short angry looking man and a slightly taller bald one in what looked like wizards robes. The short ones had stars on it, and the taller one was completely black. Next to them was a group of children. As Ingerid stood in front of them with arms open, what looked like a red veil was above them, like the tip of a fire. I held out my hands aswell and the 2 men in the robes got more and more frantic. I pushed but nothing seemed to happen, so I stopped. I looked at Ingerid and whatever she did seemed to work, so I held up my hands again and allowed whatever wanted to come to come, and the bigger man in a robe looked at me and said “Foreldre er sexualitet i denne verden!/Parents are sexuality in this world!” then he popped. Like a balloon. Immediately followed by the little one, and the veil of red was lifted from the children. It felt like it was done. Suddenly we were back in the barn again, surrounded by people. The locale suddenly felt clean, fresh and beautiful. I started crying uncontrollably from the sense of relief in me, and that’s when I woke up.

I got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing, and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping, so I went to meet up with her. As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready. All of the soul family was gathered, and it was a day filled with joy and laughter. Truly beautiful. I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious. The blue was Mary Magdalene, so it was healing. All the people in the end was all the aspects of me, all the roles I have played, that came home. Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still, and allow everything to flow.

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Emotional Honesty

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by freedomofnow

Another week has gone by, filled with connected moments. Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing, and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th. She immediately said “But your body needs protein!” and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up. After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come. I sat still and felt anger come, then a fear also reported itself to my awareness. I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it. I felt my “I AM” presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body, the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM. I let the feeling play out, and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers’ love. I looked at this fear, and at the same time I felt my “I AM” presence around it, and after some time the fear melted into this “I AM” and became that. I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words, profound peace in my entire being. I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions. This is a so-called release. Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up, listen to what they say, and then they will go and leave you in peace.

Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid, but instead we spent the day just hanging out. Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers’ company through the day. That didn’t stop the feelings from coming, though, and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself. I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up. I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection. I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years. It was so true. I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat. Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going, like an upside down waterfall running through me.

We stayed till late that night and watched the movie “Pretty Woman” and then John drove me home. As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top. I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon. He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon, and it was suddenly very clear why. The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth, thereby affecting our life here on the planet. This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey. It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it. As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid, and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1,- krone lying on the ground. I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them. As I showed it to John, he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom. I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me.

As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren. Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her, and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that. As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards, and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up. John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are. I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming, and so we kept digging deeper. Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren. To lessen the anger. Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night, and not just one, an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going. I noticed 7 of them. They jumped across the road one by one, but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them. This immediately struck me as significant, and John agreed. So he asked me what they were, but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it. They were innocent. They showed me that despite what I may think, I am innocent and pure. The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before.

What had happened on the way home with John, both the conversation and the symbolism, had had a very profound impact on me, so when I got home I went to bed right away. I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my “I AM” presence. Ingerids words echoed “You still haven’t forgiven, or the anger wouldn’t keep coming back.” I had felt something shift today, so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life, and now I didn’t need it anymore. I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely.

That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car, and it was a school where everyone carried guns. We met a short, skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry. He was also very triggerhappy, so he started to shoot after me. He hit me a couple of times in my upper body, just missing vital organs like lungs and heart, and he hit me once in the left part of my head. I walked up to the guy, and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands. I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together, and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him. He looked perplexed and his gun-arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets, but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched, and I never let my hands waver. I saw the profound effect this had on him and said “This is who you really are,” and I closed my eyes. He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes. Then I started crying a whole lot, and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital. I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up. I saw this gold-red-yellow-blue-green and white – all at the same time – light coming down in front of me, but nothing happened.. Then I woke up.

I woke up as the sun was setting the following day, and I immediately felt some turbulence there. I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything. The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness. Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered. I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed. Then I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, like there was no going back to the old ways. It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before. Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up, and I welcomed them with open arms. Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely. I remembered having felt like that as a child, but not since. I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break.

When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours. I had a shower and sat down to check my email, and the first email I read was “I believe God wants you to know” from Neale Donald Walsch. It said:

On this day of your life, Martin, I believe God wants you to know…
..that just when it looks like life is falling apart, it may
be falling together for the first time.

I have learned to trust the process of life, and not so
much the outcome. Destinations have not nearly as
much value as journeys.

So maybe you should let things fall apart at this
juncture if that’s what’s happening. Don’t hang on so
tenaciously. The nice thing about things falling apart is
that you can pick up only the pieces that you want…

…and you know exactly why I told you this today…

Love, Your Friend….
Neale

This hit home so profoundly, and I realized that’s what was happening. I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn’t have my anger to protect me anymore, and it was okay. It is okay to let everything fall apart. As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face. All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came, and it was okay.

This is such a contrast from where I have come from it’s almost indescribable. I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all. I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings, and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced. This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence, and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it.

11:11:11.. Again?!

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past week has certainly been interesting. I woke up on the 29th november, another 11:11:11 portal, feeling like complete crap. I had slept very uneasily, and my stomach was in severe pain. So I spent the first half of the day sitting on the toilet… Then when I finally had a break I had something to drink and then spent the rest of the evening, and night, kneeling over the toilet. Such a lovely night, emptying my bowels with 30 minute intervals. At some point I just lie down on the bathroom floor with a towel under my head and breathe while staring at the ceiling. Eventually around 4am I hadn’t had to “go” for an hour or so and I decided to take a leap of faith and go to bed. I brought a bucket to be sure, and water. Ah, precious water. I remember falling asleep and still feel my entire body vibrating with pain, like it was growing out of itself. Really weird feeling. My mouth would go dry every 5-10 minutes and I woke up to have a mouthful of water, turn over and go to sleep again only to wake up again after 5-10 minutes and repeat the process. After some hours I finally managed to sleep a continual 3 hour period and I woke up at 9am or so.. I had no intention of doing anything that day so I got my laptop, refilled my waterbottle and spent the day in bed. The day went by pretty quickly. I felt more grateful than anything to be done with what I had experienced the night before. I can honestly say that is the worst I have ever felt, and I’ve put myself through quite a lot of painful situations before. The night came and I fell asleep around 5 am. At last I slept through the entire night, and I didn’t wake up until half past 1 the day after.

I felt so rested, I woke up with a smile, my cats laying sprawled on the bed beside me. After some minutes I called Ingerid to see where they were, and we agreed that they pick me up in 30 minutes. It was satsang day, and I felt ready for whatever that would come. I had spoken to Maren the day before and I realized that I hadn’t let her go still. I decided to bring it up with Ingerid because I wanted to set her free. Set myself free. Ingerid responded that feeling love is a very good thing, it is only my mind that tells me that I shouldn’t feel love because it’s over and whatnot. It was very clear that she was right, and a sensation of gratitude arose in me. I was grateful for being able to feel love for someone else, and it felt ok. I felt this stinging pain in the back of my head and neck, and I asked her what it meant. She told me that it was “hard-necked” belief systems being released. Loving someone despite not being in a relationship with them, being able to give love to someone without having them return the favor. We then talked about the release that had been going on the past days and that it was a lower chakra cleaning, and Ingerid invited me to dive deep into them to go into what was there, so we talked about how I felt about my father. I was terrified to wrong him, because he had absolute total control over me. He could end my existence, and I fully believed that. Ingerid said that there was my vengeful god image, my father as I had placed as the rule of a vindictive god. I had been joyous and spontanous as a child, and it had often been met with 50/50 reactions of either laughter or anger. He would roar to get his will across, and everytime I felt so afraid I couldn’t move. Ingerid said that this is what happens when freedom and joy comes into the life of tyrants, it scares them. Then a sense of distance came up. I felt that I had to distance myself because I didn’t know if I was going to get a reaction of approval or anger from him. All my life I had taken a backseat to myself, and because I was so utterly terrified of my father, I did everything to please him. I even acted like him, because that’s how I finally got approval. All this from feelings that was now being released. Ingerid asked me where my mother was in all this, and I couldn’t see her. She just wasn’t there. I felt this white-hot glowing anger at my mother. I was angry with her for not standing up for me, for not being there when I was violated. That’s why I’ve never trusted women, and that’s why I’ve drawn all these unreliable women to me throughout my life. All the itching pain and emotions that were coming up felt like a flood, and yet I felt so calm and grateful at the same time.

After a while John came in with toast, and being that it was the first time I had eaten in 2 days I was very hungry but because my stomach was a bit rusty still I took my time eating. After a while both me and Ingerid noticed a dizziness, a sort of lightheadedness and heaviness in our bodies. She felt it very strong so we thought that she had taken in my energies. Some time went by and we all sort of disappeared, sat still and breathed for what seemed like hours. I asked Ingerid how she felt and if she was taking anything in, and she said that Mary Magdalene was there. It wasn’t the first time, in fact it was the third time that she had come to visit us when I was there for satsang. First she was speaking only to Ingerid for the first 30 minutes or so, then when Ingerid was given messages to share one of the first thing she addressed was our thinking that Ingerid was taking me in, which wasn’t the case.. At least not in the same sense as before. Mary then said that I didn’t need that help anymore, because I was so good at releasing by myself, which felt very humbling. She then adressed both John and me and talked about the intellect. She said that each intellect at each stage of its consciousness has a purpose. Nothing is “wasted.” So my understanding of this was that we need to embrace what we had done and learned with our intellect in the past and trust that because our hearts are now leading the way than whatever comes from the mind is inspired by the heart.

During the channeling I felt this incredibly warm feeling. This warm, loving embrace that didn’t care what the circumstances were. Everything was okay, everything was okay.. This maternal, unconditional love. It felt indescribable beyond what I have said here.

So much information was passed through by Mary that I can’t put it all here, but we all had a very exciting evening, and at the end of it we watched “The Game” with Michael Douglas. Extremely good movie, and so full of symbols. It really is beautiful. As John was driving me home after the movie he asked me what I thought the significance of Mary coming through so frequently while I was there for satsang. I tried long and hard to find an answer in me but eventually gave up. He said that it is of course she that brought the Christ, or one Christ to this earth, and so she is the symbol of purity. The fact that she is showing up around me means that I am “worthy.” Not that I’ve ever not been worthy other than the thoughts I have believed, but now the reflection was bang in my face stating that I AM, in fact, worthy. This is very profound, was John’s words. I felt the same.

After John had dropped me off I went to bed right away. I decided to bring my laptop to bed and I watched a movie and fell asleep. I woke up the day after as it was getting dark. I looked at the time and it was 4pm, so I decided to head to town to get some food. I was really hungry but the only thing that really appealed was salad, so I mixed some salad from the salad-bufet at the grocery store and headed home. The snow had finally reached the ground a few days earlier so I decided to walk instead, and it really was great to come out into the cold winter air. I came home, watched some tv and a friend paged me on skype and we started talking. She’s conscious in her ascension process so we talked about acceptance and control, and as I was typing it was suddenly so clear to me. Everything that we see in the outside world is merely the effect of the light that is already within us, so what is playing out is merely the “darkness” being pushed up by the light. It is already healed. The answer provokes the question, as Ingerid had said during our satsang the day before, it was all so clear to me now. That’s why acceptance is so important. A wave of calm came over me, and I felt completely content with the present moment. Everything that would want to find its way into my perception can do so, and I can accept it all in peace now.

A couple of minutes later I hear a gentle clank of metal hitting the floor. I looked down and found a norwegian 50 øring, or half a crown. It has a crown on one side, and immediately it struck me as incredibly important. I asked to be shown the meaning and as I was explaining what had happened to John it suddenly hit me that the Emperor of my life had relinquished his crown. The rule of control is over. John also pointed out that the number 50 is the number of the perfected man, 5 being man and 10 being Source. I told Ingerid what had happened and she laughed and said that I had just crowned myself, but in a totally different way. It symbolises that I am now confirming that I AM all that is, also abundance on all levels. I am not the one that controls abundance on all levels, because I AM abundance, and now it will show in all my manifestations.

I feel so in touch with my emotions.. With my presence. I feel like I am worth something for the first time in my life! I just love being right here, and right now. I realize my life is one of service, and I totally surrender to let Source flow through me to shower the world with abundance of love and joy.

I AM what I AM.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by freedomofnow

The past days have been filled with messages, and I’ll get to that, I just had to get this down right away. I just read through some blogs that I’ve been following, including Patrice Julien’s blog. I scrolled around my RSS feeds and hit a post by him that said: I AM WHAT I AM. This caught my attention as it came to me a few days ago when I was at Ingerids’ place. Also the past days have been filled with similar signs, as I’ll describe in detail. Anyway, I read the post and it talks about his experiences and that “I AM” speaks to us every moment of the day if we are able to listen, and he ends with quoting the song “I AM WHAT I AM” by Gloria Gaynor. While I’m reading this I am watching the tv series “Two and a half men” which I find very funny, as I can relate to both Charlie and Alan.. And in the end, guess what? Berta’s sister is walking around in the party they hold for Charlie and Alans’ mother, singing I AM WHAT I AM by Gloria Gaynor! I was struck speechless.

Okay so let me back up a few days. To the 25th to be more exact. I had another movie marathon of dreams. I had talked to John the day before over skype and answered via video. It was much earlier in the day so I was much brighter than the time when I spoke to Mooji, and John said it was an interesting metaphor for me having taken in much more light since then. So that night one of the “scenes” were me getting ready for a webcam talk and the room being completely lit. I felt that was significant and wanted to talk to John about it, but the chance never arose. The meaning is pretty clear though. Later that day I went to the grocery store to get some food, and since I couldn’t be arsed carrying all the stuff I was going to get I went to get a trolley. I had the key-ring-coin-lookalike-key ready, but it seemed the trolley I got to was already loose. It was free from its chains, unattached. Free. I asked to be shown the meaning of this, but I already knew the answer. It was very obvious.

The next morning I woke up the first time feeling dreadful. I remembered having a dream, and the feeling of that dream lingered. It was beyond words to describe exactly how the feeling felt, so I asked to be shown the dream I had had. I usually do this if there’s any details of dreams that I’m uncertain of, and they usually “pop up” almost immediately. This time, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just that sense of despair, fear, horror and sorrow. A little bundle of love. I managed to fall asleep again and another marathon of movies had me sleeping another 4-5 hours, waking up at around 3pm. I was going to go to the store and get some more stuff that I had forgotten the day before, and when I got to the garage to get my bike I noticed that the door was already unlocked, so I went in and got my bike. As I was about to leave the garage I heard the sound of metal hitting concrete, and I looked down and found a key to the garage lying there in the light of the day. I put it back and went to the store, and encountered the same free roaming trolley again. I broke a big smile and took it to do my shopping, and at the cash register I had shopped for 144 NOK. 144 being the number of completion, I couldn’t help but laugh. I got a really weird look from the lady behind the counter, and I laughed even harder as I paid her and left with my groceries.

When I got home and checked my computer John was online, so I asked him about the symbols, and told him that I felt that I was telling me that I am already free and that even the idea of a key to the infinite is redundant. John verified this.

Friday came, and in the evening John and Ingerid was about to come and visit, when the “I AM what I AM” was very obvious. No coincidence that the divine feminine and masculine arrive in my home right after “I AM what I AM” either. Anyway, they were talking about their day, and explained that they had had some pretty heavy satsangs with some people who had passed on came through. We also talked about just how profound the new energy is. Before when beings ascended, their bodies would “leave” this earthly existence as the being ascended, but now we can do what they did while still being in this body. That is why so many so-called masters are coming back to experience these times with us. I explained that I had had some dreams about sex the past nights, and John said that was a good sign. I carry some dark sexual energies with me still that apparently seem to start to come up finally. Then Ingerid asked me if I could do some stuff for her blog. Suddenly this feeling of.. something.. welled up in me, and my knees felt wobbly. Not in the fuzzy peaceful way this time. It felt dark, controlling, angry and panicked. Right after Ingerid got a sign that she was protected, held safe to make sure that what was going to come would make it all the way. After a while they were leaving, and I felt I needed to get out for a bit so I walked them to their car. I still had no idea what this feeling was telling me, but it still felt very intense. I was obvioulsy supposed to get whatever they brought that night, so I let it be and went to bed. I had a sex dream that night again, so it definitely feels like something is moving.

The next day, saturday, I asked Ingerid how they were doing, and she said that they had gotten many new insights and new understandings during the day. I was still feeling panicky frightened. I felt this uncertainty, like I didn’t know what was going to happen. It felt like I was completely letting go of control.. And there it was! It was so clear! What I was feeling was the panic of the masculine having to let go of control. I embraced the uncertainty, and suddenly a wave of relief came over me. It was so liberating to not having to try to control the future. This was what I experienced yesterday aswell. Ingerid explained to me that we are being made empty so that the master within us can come forth. Freedom is complete surrender, the sacred emptiness.. That is why fear and insecurity comes up when we let go of control. But not so much so that we don’t want to surrender. This was exactly how I felt. I rested in the moment, fell deeper and deeper into it. It was so liberating, with all its aches and fears bubbling while being completely calm and peaceful.

Changes feel very much exponential. The more we free ourselves, the more darkness can be “shook up” by the light that comes through the next time.. Why worry about what might be, when it is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? 🙂

Achieving Enlightenment?

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , on November 24, 2009 by freedomofnow

And so monday the 23rd November 2009 came. Me and Ingerid and John had agreed on this day for our satsang so that we could combine it with listening in to Mooji over the internet.

Let me back up a bit first though. That night I had a dream where I was in the crossfire of guns, moving up to a really tall tower where people sat at computers and modified your existence. They provided me with all the money I could ever want, took a look at me and said “You need more mana.” They pressed a button and the blue mana bar went to the top. I told Ingerid and John about this and they interpreted it as me still trying to “fix” things, making an effort to acquire wisdom. Keeping things simple was the theme of the day. John had also received an email from the father of a mongoloid friend he spent a lot of time with when he was in his stage of releasing all that he had built up. He had an older friend that had just died, and his father wanted to know how he was going to tell his son that his best friend had died. The reply that John sent moved me to tears. He said that he was simply there to show this old man the unconditional love that he is, and that his purpose done, this task was over. I had tears in my eyes when I came to the end. We talked about so-called retarded people and how they are really sitting behind their own shoulders watching the world through eyes of unconditional love that few people see. They are living examples of how profoundly beautiful simplicity is.

I finally received my paycheck around 4 o’clock that day so we went down to the store to buy some food for the evening, and a 777 stared at me. I asked John what it meant, and he said it definitely was a validation of the dream. 777 is a 3, the holy trinity. At the store we saw not one, but a total of 3 retarded men.. I was definitely being told to keep it simple. We bought some food, candy and then went home. We had a delicious salad and some ravioli while we waited for Mooji to come online at 6pm, and eventually he did. I had the same feeling in my stomach as the last time I was going to talk to him. The provider seemed to have some problems and the first 20 minutes were very broken up, but eventually people got through to ask questions, and we decided to call in. We got through after very little time, but something was wrong so we had to call again. While we tried to set up another laptop for the conversation, the entire audio feed just went dead. We joked about saying between the 3 of us and Mooji we brought too much light for the channel to handle. Either way, no Mooji on that day. We sat and talked and Ingerid decided she needed some more housework done so we turned the satsang into a regular visit and I helped her with whatever she needed.

I felt increasingly curious about why I had shown myself the number 3 so many times that day, and John said that I am devoted to my ascension. It is the main focus in my life right now. However, the focus of wanting ascension is the very thing that pushes it away, because it very much involves effort. Therefore, the words that Ingerid told me when I first started talking to her “I AM, I AM THAT I AM, I KNOW” is what closes the gap of separation and lets you sink into the depths of your Self. I AM THAT I AM actually showerd itself to me earlier that evening through a part of the documentary called the Moses Code. I realized that I was indeed striving for ascension, and said “Ok, so I have to give up the search for ascension?” They both nodded, and Ingerid said “You are already enlightened.” I said ok, and let go of the striving. It seems letting go of things gets easier the more you do it, because I have seen the Absolute Truth, and it is an experience nothing in this world can be compared to. As Mooji says in one of his videos: “You are trading eternity for a peanut.” Everything the mind can hold on to is the peanut. Some minutes later an overwhelming sense of panic struck me. It felt like I was disappearing, my legs were shaky, and an increasing stream of thoughts passed by me. I was calm at the same time as the panic was going on, but that didn’t make it feel less of what it was. I was just aware of it in a different way. The panic kept on throughout the evening. We watched a movie and suddenly it was 2am and time to go home.

That night I am sure I cried 1 hour of “real” time during the night. I had several dreams, but one seemed more significant than the others. I was being chased down by 2 of my childhood friends, they kept jumping on me and hurting me and I couldn’t do anything about it. Suddenly we had magic cards in our hands, and they still kept hurting me. I tried to hurt them back and finally I managed to hurt them enough that they would leave me alone. When they did I started crying. I cried and cried and cried. It was like a bottomless well of tears. After what seemed like several hours I stopped crying. I looked at the magic card I had and it turned out to be incredibly powerful. Suddenly we all became our cards. I became this spider-monkey thing. I tried to tell them about the card, and when I did my voice sounded very weird. Frail somehow. I said “It has 8.. no 6 legs, and 6 arms.” The spider-monkey thing started fighting this vampire demon that was one of my friends, and it was a lot more powerful.

After this I woke up, that same sense of crying and panic still in me. I got up, fed the cats, had some water and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up I felt completely rested. The bed was warm and fuzzy, inviting me to stay there for the entire day. I lie in bed for about an hour, just breathing, before I realized that I had some stuff to do in town. I got my mail, and it was a letter from my old bank. They let me know that I was finished paying down the loan I had taken 2 years earlier. I broke into a huge smile as the symbolism dawned on me. Leaving old energies behind. It certainly felt that way. I felt this immense calm, and within that calm rested the feeling of panic still. Calm and panicky at the same time, who knew?

After that I went to get a wireless networking card for Ingerid’s computer, and the guy gave me a 30% discount. Then I went to buy catfood, and they gave me a 10% discount. After that I decided to buy breakfast, and even there I got 10% discount. Some old beliefs about money have definitely been released in the past few days. I felt incredibly light, like I was just flowing through my surroundings as they appeared in my reality. Something has definitely shifted, and I am ready. Ready to let go of everything. Ready to be completely empty.

A world of Symbols.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2009 by freedomofnow

Soooo! Here it is again. So much has happened, yet as usual the outwardly action is limited, although it feels like it is picking up somehow. It “started” on the 11th november, which is a 11:11:11 portal, when the book “Before I AM” by Mooji arrived. It is such a beautiful read, I pageflip every night before going to bed. It’s definitely not coincidental that that book arrived on that very day. Then last sunday, Mooji was holding an online satsang that I “happened” to be online at the right time to attend. Right before it started Ingerid was visiting to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for her, and as per usual when I am in the same space as her I was in a very good mood.

Then it began. As soon as I saw Mooji with his red shirt on it struck me that I had seen this meeting some days ago, only I interpreted it as a visit to London. When it dawned on me all kinds of emotions started to flood through me. Anxiety, a nervousness, fear, it all came up. It felt like this was it. This was the time for my mind-made “I” to die, and I knew I had to face it. An hour went and I had made a few calls although none had gone through, and I decided that this was it. I called repeatedly until finally I saw the video initializing screen come up. Mooji was still in another call, and how lucky that was because I could not have said anything if I had tried. After a few minutes I heard the host of nevernothere announcing me and I just had to jump into it. I made this into a video and uploaded it to youtube, so without further adue, I give you my first conversation with Mooji.

Monday came and I was feeling a bit restless, like something was off but I had no idea why. I had slept my usual 12 hours and I felt a bit out of sync that day. I knew I wanted to clean the appartment, but I just had no energy whatsoever to do anything. The evening came and eventually sleep settled in. I woke up on tuesday feeling very rested. I was supposed to have been at Ingerids for satsang, but she had sent me a message saying she wasn’t feeling good so it was cancelled. My cell phone is currently not receiving text messages except for immediately when I turn it on, and I had a feeling that it wasn’t a day for satsang, so I checked right away when I woke up to the clock at around noon. It’s wonderful being in a position where I have to set the clock if I want to get up before noon. :p

I had one sensation when I got up: I had to get this appartment cleaned right away! I put my laptop in the kitchen and started playing my youtube playlist of music. It holds just about all kinds of music that I have found resonance in depending on mood. This time it started off with a beautiful tibetan monk chant to set the mood, then it gave me Jason Mraz – All dialed in, a song that always makes me cry, and to top it all off, Portishead – Roads.. So while I was crying my eyes out and cleaning the appartment, I gradually felt more and more energized. Once I was done with cleaning and the long, warm shower, I felt great. I was feeling happy the entire day.

That night I dreamt about Ingerid. We were talking about the connection we had, that’s all I remember. That morning Ingerid woke me up at 1pm and asked me if I wanted to come help her carry some stuff at her house that neither she or John could carry while she cleaned the appartment. I felt a tremendous joy and accepted right away. Ingerid came and picked me up a bit later. On the way over we were talking about Mooji and how it would be such an experience to go to London on one of his Satsangs, and it just burst out of me: I’ll buy all of us a tour to London to see Mooji! As I said it I felt such a spontaneous joy. Ingerid was so grateful she got so flustered with emotion that she almost drove off the road. Once we got to their place we sat down and had a cup of tea while we were talking about – and listening to – my conversation with Mooji. First Ingerid said that the fact that out of all the people listening that I was one of the people who got through to speak to him was a very good pointer to where I am right now, and when Mooji said that I was “in the taste of that” with his loving smile, Ingerid smiled and said that’s the feeling she gets around me aswell. John elaborated on this and said that this was all on my own, not in the company of anyone else, and a major turning point for me. It actually felt like it aswell, although there was no sense of pride, there was only joy and love for myself. Then we proceeded to talk about Love Lines, and John felt inspired to include me in the creation. Because Love Lines is completely guided by spirit, the kind of publisher we want is one that comes from a place of joy, and who is able to let our company work through his equipment. I’ve always been able to “see” what Ingerid suggests in its whole, and when they told me about their World Galleries, I immediately got a feeling of the building and some images. John had already drawn his vision, and when he showed me it was almost as a deja vu for me. It was perfect, complete. Very exciting times indeed.

The day continued. Carpets needed cleaning so I spent hours outside hammering carpets, carrying various things, rearranging a room, only to arrange it back, and then rearrange it back to its original state again. I was clearly “chopping wood and carrying water.” We took some breaks to talk and have a bite of food during the day. During one break we were talking about spirit, which we always do I guess.. And I heard exactly what I was supposed to hear, as I always do.. Ingerid said, “Every answer is a death.” which hit home for me very profoundly. The past days I had been feeling like all the answers my mind give me, are so limiting that I don’t believe them. Even its questions, because they always lead to conclusions beyond the now. Beyond what is at the moment. The day came to an end and they drove me home late that night. I had a bite to eat, a shower and saw “The Kings of Comedy” on Tv before going to bed. That night I slept like a baby. This night I dreamt about both Ingerid and John. We were talking about the connection between us, and it turned out that me and Ingerid had been having the same dreams lately. The next dream I had was so vivid. I saw aliens coming to the planet, and a planet coming very close to ours. Aliens landing and a huge fight between the aliens and us. I was strolling peacefully through it all though.

I woke up the day after feeling totally rested, and in complete joy. 10 minutes after waking up, Ingerid called and asked when they could pick me up, to which I replied right away, though John had to take Maren and her son home first. I went out to the road and waited for them and John stopped to pick me up. I was so happy to see them all, and me and Nathaniel were dancing to the music in the car all the way to Marens’ place. On the way home I explained my dream to John and he said that it was a realigning with my Self. He then proceeded to talk about the symbolism of dreams, that I knew of and that being the reason why I sought his expertise, but this time he also mentioned that the waking state is also a dream, and that everything is symbolic. He had shown me some symbolism in my presence earlier, but when we talked about it this time it felt more significant. He told me it’s all about what catches your attention, and listening to what your intuition tells you. I said that I could definitely use some help interpreting all this in the future, and he said that I should first open myself up to the fact that they are there and seek within myself first.

The day passed and we got the rest of the cleaning done, which was such a relief. Ingerid explained that we clean our appartment when we have taken a step “forward” in vibration.. When the current state around us is of the vibration that we used to hold, it is easy to feel dragged down by your surroundings, which is exactly how I felt. The love we hold for ourselves is reflected around us. Puts cleaning in a whole new light. In the evening Ingerid’s other daughter, her man and their child came by and we watched a movie, then they drove me home.

I was conscious just in the moment that the veil of sleep was pulled down, and with the last breath I felt the embrace of the formless. It really is indescribable. I used to have these sensations all the time, but before they would send vibrations of fear throughout my body, and I would shiver in horror. Now it is like the shell of my body is gently melted away to reveal the loving nothingness of my soul flowing out into infinity. I woke up on friday having slept like a baby yet again. It was around 2pm or so. I decided to go and make breakfast right away because I was very hungry. When I was done I reached for a small plate to put them on, and it slipped in my fingers and went for the floor. It hit the floor looking like it would break into 1000 pieces, but what was left was 2 just about identical pieces of porcelain. One had 2 red flowers on it and 2 yellow, the other had one red flower on it and one yellow.

It iimmediately struck me that this was significant for me, so as I grabbed another plate and went into my room I asked for the meaning of this to be shown to me. As I got into the room John immediately logged on, and I asked him what this could mean. He said that I was breaking my fast. Not the normal kind around easter when people don’t eat for 14 days. This was a spiritual fast. I was not “eating of” the manna bread, spiritual truth. The flowers are a confirmation 22:11, a power number. I googled the manna bread and got “11th Heaven Homemaking.” John filled in that that was just a symbol of life, and that I was beginning to nurture myself, loving myself. Metaphors are simple, but we often analyze their meaning away. It is the inner guidance that shows you the truth.

This felt very right for me, and I thanked John for his help and decided to go to town to pick up some money that a friend of mine owed me. She’s quite angry, and she’s owed me this money for quite some time now and I sent her a quite harsh sms the other day to which her anger flared up. So I came to town and met her where she worked and she handed me an envelope with the money and turned her back to me doing some work while we were talking. I thanked her for the money and left to get some food. I grabbed a trolley and got inside the store, and while I was enjoying the sweet taste of a chilled coke, I turned around and suddenly there was Ingerid’s other daughter and her newborn daughter. The daughter is adorable beyond words and her mother is a very loving mother, it was a very pleasant meeting. We talked and walked around the store for some time while we shopped and then we headed for the exit. I was so happy to see them and we both smiled as we parted. I took my shopping bags and headed home, but I felt the need to take a detour down to the walkway by the river. As I was riding my bike along the side of the river, feeling the fresh air and listening to the sound of gushing water around me, I suddenly saw a light shine in the middle of the dark waters. It was still for a few seconds, shining at me, before I realized that it was a very tall light from a far that was reflected. I got home, and hailed John to speak about what had just happened. I told him that some more symbols had appeared, but instead of asking him what they meant I listened to my intuition to see the meaning.

It all felt like it was me turning my back towards my anger and my past, and being greeted by my newborn love for myself, shining my light in the middle of the darkness. John confirmed all of it, and added: the light shines in the darkness and the darkness comprehends it not, which is a biblical quote. I should feel excited, happy, elated that I was getting things right, but it felt so natural.. like part of the flow. There was just acceptance in me, and a sense of being guided completely.

Later that day John was coming to pick up some DVDs that I had burnt for them, but as he was driving here Ingerid called and asked me to come help her with one last thing, which I accepted gladly. I was sitting and writing this post as I heard a very unique cat sound that John makes when he tries to communicate with cats, so I thought he was outside saying hello to my cats and decided to go meet him. As I got outside it was raining, and I found shelter between the house where I live and the garage of my landlord. I stood there and suddenly I hear Ramses, one of my cats, squeak and I see him rush towards me. He is so cozy, brushing up against my leg and practically jumping up on me to cuddle. He’s a very loving cat but usually not this extreme. Suddenly he went out in the rain, caught something in his mouth and ran and dropped it at my feet. I bent down to look, and it was the tip of a flower. Such a beautiful love declaration from my Self, to my Self.

John came and I told him what had just happened and how I felt about it, and he confirmed that aswell. Then he told me that symbols are everywhere, because life always throws an abundancy of seeds to make sure of its own survival, so if you’re completely open to this you will be bombarded. We kept talking and I suddenly realized that symbols are a kind of first-row in the flow of life. If you don’t see the symbols then they start to become silent whispers, taps on the shoulders, frying pan in the faces and eventually something terminal. John said that there was another even closer way, which is direct communication with your Self. This is where you receive insights directly through your being. I remember having these experiences too when I first tasted the formless. For 3 days I was “channeling” Source, and all I had to do was wonder about something and the answer came through my being. It is very profound because it sort of opens you up to the knowing of it, instead of seeing it through the head.

We got to their place and realized that we had no dinner, so me and John drove back to town to get some stuff from me and the store. When we came to my place the first thing that hit us was the thick smell of smoke from my neighbour. John asked me who was smoking, and I said that it was my neighbour. I noticed her sitting in the kitchen and her door fully open, the entire appartment reeking of smoke. I said hello to her, and she replied that it was a very awful thing for us to say, commenting on her smoking. I had asked her to keep her door closed before because I have smoked for 12 years and I don’t want to surround myself with it anymore, since smoking really is an inner desire to leave this world. When I confronted her before she snapped completely accusing me of having an agenda and saying that it doesn’t smell like smoke at all. When she snapped I felt anger arise in me, and at the same time I turned away and walked into my room almost instinctively. Me and John talked about this on the way home and feelings of fear and anger came up. I completely allowed them to be there as we drove home.

When we got back to their place I explained everything to Ingerid, including the previous encounter with my neighbour. Ingerid said that this is what I had been doing for so many lives. I deny myself in order to please others. I let others treat me badly, and instead of standing up for myself I turn the anger inwards towards, beating myself up about it. This was the anger that I had been taking with me from my previous lives. She also said that this was something that Shaumbra does because on some level we know it doesn’t matter, but it was time to reclaim our self worth. Suddenly I expanded beyond my body, losing all references of up-down-left-right, and a dizzyness hit me. I felt a huge wave of anger pass through me and vanish, and then came the sorrow. Sorrow that I had not treated myself with the love that is who I truly am. I suddenly realized that the highest purpose for me, the highest love for my Self, is always the highest purpose in any situation. I did not have to allow my neighbour to let the entire appartment reek of old cigarettes.

It is ok to be true to myself regardless of how it made others feel. It is actually the greatest gift you can give.

Eye of the Storm.

Posted in My path with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2009 by freedomofnow

Sooo.. Things are really stirring up these days. The things really started to affect me on halloween. It is also the day when the veil is said to be the thinnest between worlds, and of course it is, because we believe it to be. Very uneasy sleep, twisting and turning and no dreams pretty much sums up my last couple of days. Then yesterday it all started happening. The winds here are so extreme I felt as though I was going to blow away when I rode my bike to town yesterday. As I closed in on the store where I was about to shop I let go of the handlebar as I usually do, and suddenly the wind grabbed a hold of my bike. I felt the bike slip under me and a feeling like I had hit the ground face first and tasting my own blood arose. Without a single thought my hands went to the handlebar again and through what seemed a miracle the bike straightened up its angle and steering and I was safe. The bad feeling quickly subsided and was replaced by a profound sense of peace that I am beginning to be familiar with.

Later that night I had a visit from one of my enlightened friends, and we got talking about being completely free, letting go of all attachments. It seems even though I feel very free and detached there are still things being played out that keep me imprisoned in my own perception. John asked me “How far away would you like your cage-bars to be?” My answer came intuitively, “No cage at all.” John said that it is the same as being a little bit pregnant, not possible. You’re either free or not. There was a strong sensation that I wanted a partner for this life journey, and as we were talking about this a sensation of nervousnes, anxiety and tension arose, and at the same time a pleasant buzz.. I recognized it, because I had felt it so many times before. Every time I had the sensation of being in love, this had been there. There was a comforting sensation in it, and at the same time a sensation that all my efforts were leading nowhere. I realized that the comfort was my interpretation, and the feeling changed. It now felt like I was clawing at walls, frantically trying to get out. I realized that I wanted my freedom above anything else, and whatever pain could come.

I rested in complete acceptance of whatever came, and the feelings came and went through the night, along with stinging physical pains and burning in my stomach and throat. I went to bed around 1am, and woke up again while it was still dark. I tried checking my cell phone what time it was but it had loaded out completely even though I had charged it that morning. After a while I fell asleep again, and I had some very vivid dreams that night. When I woke up at 11 I had to get my charger so that I could write them down, then I slept until half past 1pm. All my cats were sprawled around the bed, sleeping aswell. Even though there was so much emotions going on there’s a deep sense of calm and completeness around everything.

So the full moon has come on the 2nd, and that is triggering its own cleanup of emotional blockage, then there’s the sixth night of the Maya starting on the 8th, aswell as the cosmic opening of the 11/11, which is a 11:11:11 portal. There are enormous energies at work to tear down the old and open up to the new, and I am definitely feeling it. The difference is that now it is okay. Everything is as it is supposed to be, and that’s okay.

Update: I just lost all my keys today. I’ll have to check the symbolism on that, along with the dream. They are definitely related.